Bad Manners and Brimstone

I would not have handled this how the letter writer did, but I would have been irked COVID issues aside. When people show up who were not invited the entire tenor of the event can change.

I am reminded of a few years ago when I invited my mom, my sister and my three nieces over to bake Christmas cookies at my house. My daughter was so excited to spend time with her cousins. My sister showed up with a random neighbor girl and insisted that this girl get prime treatment ("let Greta have a turn using the mixer") and "her share" of the cookies we made. I was SO ANGRY about this because Greta was NOT invited and it changed the entire event from a fun family bonding experience to my child feeling like SHE was the one who was on the fringe because my sister was making her kids focus on making Greta feel "a part of the family." For what it's worth, Greta comes from a happy and healthy family (I know Greta and her family; they are nice people; but they are not MY family).

At any rate, when they arrived I said something like, "Oh - is Greta getting picked up here in a few minutes? This is supposed to be a family cookie baking afternoon," and my sister basically blew me off. It was a tense afternoon, and I later sent my sister an email directly stating that in the future when I invite her and her family over I am NOT inviting over their neighbors or anyone else......not because I am not hospitably, but because when people who are not invited show up the tenor of the event is totally different. I mean, MY daughter didn't invite a friend over because she was looking forward to having cousin time!

I wouldn't have done it the way she did. The real problem isn't the extra guests, but the MIL. The hostess would have to put her foot down hard with MIL. She needs to tell MIL not to invite extra guests. If that doesn't work, stop hosting events that involve MIL. If MIL suggests hostess host a birthday party for someone, hostess can say, "I'm not able to plan events like this because I never know how many guests will show up." The only way this will get better is if hostess, and likely her husband, stop enabling the woman. I do know a couple of people who are pushy like this and you have to be firm.

TootsNYC's suggestion for the email was good. If you think that these same people might continue to be caught up in MIL's boundary stomping, it might be necessary to clue them in.

In the future, I think I'd invite the guests and not invite MIL!

In the letter writer's shoes, I'd have welcomed in the 4 guests and either stretched what I had made (30 minutes notice?  Seriously?) or switched to a simple grilled cheese and canned soup offering.  And then send the email, individually, apologizing for the less than stellar offerings as I wasn't aware that there would be 4 additional guests in sufficient time to plan and in future, it would be prudent to check with me if MIL extends invitations, supposedly on my behalf.

Out of interest what are the rules for a 'stay at home order'?

I'm just going on what I would have assumed they were based on what the local lockdown rules were for me (in Wales) - which were you didn't go to someone else's home - including their gardens  (from 1st June it did ease two households (not three or more) could meet up outdoors - and even then it was 5 miles limit from your home (exemptions for work) - it's eased further again now)

The hostess had valid feelings but acted like a toddler having a temper tantrum. If I was there I'd think she had lost her mind acting so childish.

However, she had the right to be angry. I would be so very angry it would probably take me more than a few days to calm down to address my MIL over this. However, address it I would, in clear, explicit but polite language that this was completely unacceptable regardless of how nice the uninvited guests were, and if it even happened once more she (the MIL) would be off my guest list permanently. I'd explain how boorish this behavior and that while I am open to meeting new people I am not open to having my party "crashed."

Both the letter writer and her MIL were behaved inappropriately, but the letter writer acted like an idiot.

In the future, I think I'd invite the guests and not invite MIL!

In the letter writer's shoes, I'd have welcomed in the 4 guests and either stretched what I had made (30 minutes notice?  Seriously?) or switched to a simple grilled cheese and canned soup offering.  And then send the email, individually, apologizing for the less than stellar offerings as I wasn't aware that there would be 4 additional guests in sufficient time to plan and in future, it would be prudent to check with me if MIL extends invitations, supposedly on my behalf.

I think the safety concern as well as the shock to an introvert at the significant change was more the issue than there not being enough food.  Though this does remind me of an entertaining ehell story about a woman showing up to a fancy dinner party with her child and insisting he be served the same meal as everyone else - so the hostess gave the woman’s food to the kid and gave the woman the emergency sandwiches.

Though this does remind me of an entertaining ehell story about a woman showing up to a fancy dinner party with her child and insisting he be served the same meal as everyone else - so the hostess gave the woman’s food to the kid and gave the woman the emergency sandwiches.

Well done her! A variation on this would be my alternative strategy - I’d take her to one side and say: ‘Mabel, dear, I was expecting two guests so I provided a plentiful meal for four. But now you’ve doubled the size of the party there just isn’t enough for everyone. So as hosts - and you invited some of them so you’re their hostess and responsible for them getting fed - you and I and DH are going to have to make do with a cheese sandwich each, and not drink any wine. What I cooked for four will go round our five guests pretty well.’

A person who does things like that will only stop doing them if they know, or at least suspect, that it won’t work for them. If she - and Her Own Son! I doubt she cares about inconvenience to That Woman He Married, but her DS, that’s different - had to sit watching the people she brought to the party enjoying the lovely food she would have had while eating bread and cheese and drinking water, I doubt she’d pull that one again - not on her DIL, at any rate.