Author Topic: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?  (Read 2403 times)

PVZFan

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Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
« Reply #45 on: September 02, 2020, 01:46:25 pm »
I doubt I would have turned anyone away - as ticked off as I would be at the mother in law I would not want to take it out on the guests.

But she mentioned she was a rule follower who is greatly concerned about Covid.  If that's true then telling mother in law immediately that she couldn't come with that many people or if that didn't work turning them away is what she should have done.   I'm just not seeing how hiding away when they came in was a great response.


To the bolded, I think telling MIL what the expectations are fall to husband. Including turning people away at the door. I know others disagree, but DH and I generally operate with a "my people/ your people" guideline. Meaning, each sets and enforced boundaries with their own families.

We all have the ability to sit and think through this situation in calm, thoughtful ways. I think the OP was likely a bit anxious/ dysregulated when faced with this in the moment and retreating to the bedroom seemed like her best/ only option. People who are distancers in conflict tend to create the distance to avoid saying or doing something regrettable. Locking the door keeps the pursuer out and gives the distancer a chance to regulate before engaging.




It may be effective but not the way she wants it to be - I know if I received that email it would be a loooong time before I would be going over there again. 

Sometimes people who have a legitimate gripe or issue derail themselves in their response.  Maybe it's just my personal  impression but she comes off as kind of tedious, the kind you have to "be careful" around.  The follow up email didn't help.

To be fair I would blame the MIL for that and I wouldn't be accepting any of her invitations on behalf of someone else either

She definitely has mother in law issues - no doubt.

I agree that sometimes our in the moment response can hurt our long-term goals or impact the way others see us. That's why I love a site like this where we have the opportunity to see how others might impacted and moderated by things I've learned/ considered from here. I've had "don't engage the crazy" pop up at just the right moment several times.

I think she has husband issues too, frankly. If she didn't have the husband issues, she might not have the MIL ones.