Author Topic: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?  (Read 1714 times)

Xainte

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Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
« Reply #45 on: September 02, 2020, 12:42:44 pm »
I doubt I would have turned anyone away - as ticked off as I would be at the mother in law I would not want to take it out on the guests.

But she mentioned she was a rule follower who is greatly concerned about Covid.  If that's true then telling mother in law immediately that she couldn't come with that many people or if that didn't work turning them away is what she should have done.   I'm just not seeing how hiding away when they came in was a great response.  It may be effective but not the way she wants it to be - I know if I received that email it would be a loooong time before I would be going over there again. 

Sometimes people who have a legitimate gripe or issue derail themselves in their response.  Maybe it's just my personal  impression but she comes off as kind of tedious, the kind you have to "be careful" around.  The follow up email didn't help.

To be fair I would blame the MIL for that and I wouldn't be accepting any of her invitations on behalf of someone else either

She definitely has mother in law issues - no doubt. 
« Last Edit: September 02, 2020, 12:49:17 pm by Xainte »
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PVZFan

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Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
« Reply #46 on: September 02, 2020, 01:46:25 pm »
I doubt I would have turned anyone away - as ticked off as I would be at the mother in law I would not want to take it out on the guests.

But she mentioned she was a rule follower who is greatly concerned about Covid.  If that's true then telling mother in law immediately that she couldn't come with that many people or if that didn't work turning them away is what she should have done.   I'm just not seeing how hiding away when they came in was a great response.


To the bolded, I think telling MIL what the expectations are fall to husband. Including turning people away at the door. I know others disagree, but DH and I generally operate with a "my people/ your people" guideline. Meaning, each sets and enforced boundaries with their own families.

We all have the ability to sit and think through this situation in calm, thoughtful ways. I think the OP was likely a bit anxious/ dysregulated when faced with this in the moment and retreating to the bedroom seemed like her best/ only option. People who are distancers in conflict tend to create the distance to avoid saying or doing something regrettable. Locking the door keeps the pursuer out and gives the distancer a chance to regulate before engaging.




It may be effective but not the way she wants it to be - I know if I received that email it would be a loooong time before I would be going over there again. 

Sometimes people who have a legitimate gripe or issue derail themselves in their response.  Maybe it's just my personal  impression but she comes off as kind of tedious, the kind you have to "be careful" around.  The follow up email didn't help.

To be fair I would blame the MIL for that and I wouldn't be accepting any of her invitations on behalf of someone else either

She definitely has mother in law issues - no doubt.

I agree that sometimes our in the moment response can hurt our long-term goals or impact the way others see us. That's why I love a site like this where we have the opportunity to see how others might impacted and moderated by things I've learned/ considered from here. I've had "don't engage the crazy" pop up at just the right moment several times.

I think she has husband issues too, frankly. If she didn't have the husband issues, she might not have the MIL ones.

Xainte

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Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
« Reply #47 on: September 02, 2020, 03:45:32 pm »
I doubt I would have turned anyone away - as ticked off as I would be at the mother in law I would not want to take it out on the guests.

But she mentioned she was a rule follower who is greatly concerned about Covid.  If that's true then telling mother in law immediately that she couldn't come with that many people or if that didn't work turning them away is what she should have done.   I'm just not seeing how hiding away when they came in was a great response.


To the bolded, I think telling MIL what the expectations are fall to husband. Including turning people away at the door. I know others disagree, but DH and I generally operate with a "my people/ your people" guideline. Meaning, each sets and enforced boundaries with their own families.

We all have the ability to sit and think through this situation in calm, thoughtful ways. I think the OP was likely a bit anxious/ dysregulated when faced with this in the moment and retreating to the bedroom seemed like her best/ only option. People who are distancers in conflict tend to create the distance to avoid saying or doing something regrettable. Locking the door keeps the pursuer out and gives the distancer a chance to regulate before engaging.




It may be effective but not the way she wants it to be - I know if I received that email it would be a loooong time before I would be going over there again. 

Sometimes people who have a legitimate gripe or issue derail themselves in their response.  Maybe it's just my personal  impression but she comes off as kind of tedious, the kind you have to "be careful" around.  The follow up email didn't help.

To be fair I would blame the MIL for that and I wouldn't be accepting any of her invitations on behalf of someone else either

She definitely has mother in law issues - no doubt.

I agree that sometimes our in the moment response can hurt our long-term goals or impact the way others see us. That's why I love a site like this where we have the opportunity to see how others might impacted and moderated by things I've learned/ considered from here. I've had "don't engage the crazy" pop up at just the right moment several times.

I think she has husband issues too, frankly. If she didn't have the husband issues, she might not have the MIL ones.

Agreed.  I think a big challenge for a lot of people including myself is trying to react well "in the moment".  I know I've had a few regretful "wish I had said this or done that" episodes!

Hmmm

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Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
« Reply #48 on: September 02, 2020, 05:05:29 pm »
I doubt I would have turned anyone away - as ticked off as I would be at the mother in law I would not want to take it out on the guests.

But she mentioned she was a rule follower who is greatly concerned about Covid.  If that's true then telling mother in law immediately that she couldn't come with that many people or if that didn't work turning them away is what she should have done.   I'm just not seeing how hiding away when they came in was a great response.  It may be effective but not the way she wants it to be - I know if I received that email it would be a loooong time before I would be going over there again. 

Sometimes people who have a legitimate gripe or issue derail themselves in their response.  Maybe it's just my personal  impression but she comes off as kind of tedious, the kind you have to "be careful" around.  The follow up email didn't help.

To be fair I would blame the MIL for that and I wouldn't be accepting any of her invitations on behalf of someone else either

She definitely has mother in law issues - no doubt.

I agree that telling mother in law no and having her tell the others she had made a mistake would be best. However, for that to work, she would need the backing of her husband. Since he is mad as the wife and not his mother, I doubt she had the option to turn MIL away at the door or refuse to allow the other guests because he would over ride her and allow them to come in.

My perception was that the only power LW had was over her own actions and she chose to not socialize. But that's obviously my own perception and the husband could have been doing everything in his power to make her and his mom happy.

But like I said, I would not have done what she did during the event. But I'm still ok with the letter and her calling out her MIL's poor behavior.
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Xainte

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Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
« Reply #49 on: September 02, 2020, 07:24:54 pm »
I doubt I would have turned anyone away - as ticked off as I would be at the mother in law I would not want to take it out on the guests.

But she mentioned she was a rule follower who is greatly concerned about Covid.  If that's true then telling mother in law immediately that she couldn't come with that many people or if that didn't work turning them away is what she should have done.   I'm just not seeing how hiding away when they came in was a great response.  It may be effective but not the way she wants it to be - I know if I received that email it would be a loooong time before I would be going over there again. 

Sometimes people who have a legitimate gripe or issue derail themselves in their response.  Maybe it's just my personal  impression but she comes off as kind of tedious, the kind you have to "be careful" around.  The follow up email didn't help.

To be fair I would blame the MIL for that and I wouldn't be accepting any of her invitations on behalf of someone else either

She definitely has mother in law issues - no doubt.

I agree that telling mother in law no and having her tell the others she had made a mistake would be best. However, for that to work, she would need the backing of her husband. Since he is mad as the wife and not his mother, I doubt she had the option to turn MIL away at the door or refuse to allow the other guests because he would over ride her and allow them to come in.

My perception was that the only power LW had was over her own actions and she chose to not socialize. But that's obviously my own perception and the husband could have been doing everything in his power to make her and his mom happy.

But like I said, I would not have done what she did during the event. But I'm still ok with the letter and her calling out her MIL's poor behavior.

Yeah.... her husband really undermined her.  That's a hard one to get around.
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BeagleMommy

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Re: Hero hostess or Horror Hostess?
« Reply #50 on: September 17, 2020, 03:04:32 pm »
I'm not a psychologist, nor do I play one on TV, but I got the impression the LW might have some social anxiety issues. She mentioned that she had to have time to deal with the fact that she was having guests.

While I don't think retreating to her bedroom was appropriate under normal circumstances, this might have been her attempt to tamp down the anxiety.  MIL showing up with uninvited people may have thrown her off balance.

In any circumstance, her husband should have backed her up and told his mother that they couldn't accommodate the other people.


I had a great aunt who was infamous for this.  When my mom's youngest sister got married GA and her husband were invited to the wedding.  She showed up with two of her adult children as well because "I knew Donna would want Paul and Carol to be here".  No, if Donna wanted Paul and Carol to be at her wedding they would have gotten an invitation.  The newlyweds were charged for two additional dinners.  When I got married, Mom headed GA off at the pass.  She was firmly told "BeagleMommy can not pay for extra guests.  You, and only you, are invited (husband was deceased by this time).  Do not bring anyone else."
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