Bad Manners and Brimstone

I'm not sure how I feel about this one in MM today. To summarize for those who may not be able to read it, a couple were invited to a wedding where the husband was closer friends with the bridal couple than the wife and they responded positive to the RSVP. A work issue came up that prevented the husband's attendance and they alerted the couple that they would not be able to attend. The wife also mentioned to the sister of the bride (who is a close friend) that she was uncomfortable with the 3 hour solo travel and is unable to drive at night. (Since they are talking about a same day trip, I am assuming it's an 90 min drive each way.   

The bride and groom found another acquaintance to assume her husband's place and arranged for him to drive the wife. The wife is not comfortable with the arrangement because she says she does not know the man well. MM says her options are to hire a car, utilize the offered ride, or refuse to go but if she refuses to not expect another invite.

https://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2019/8/23/locals-eatery-recs-keep-getting-ignored

Part of me says it was not appropriate for the couple to find alternate transportation. However, I sort of think the woman made a comment to her friend of "I just hate missing the wedding but I can't drive after dark and a 3 hour drive is just too much for me alone." So since is she good friends of the bride's sister, they may have thought she really wanted to attend and thought they were being generous.

Were I in the woman's shoes, I'd probably except the ride unless I knew there was a specific reason I would not want to travel with the gentleman.

I think she could also use her connection with the sister and say something like "It is so sweet of him to offer, but do you think he would rather take his girlfriend with him and use my place?" But if they said no, then I think she still has to go.

What are your thoughts on MM response and what would you do in this situation?

I would not accept the the ride from a semi-stranger for that long of a trip. As Miss Manners suggested the option of declining the wedding entirely, I would do that without feeling weird or rude.

Ugh, I can't stand MM's answer.

And yet this bride has done everything in her power to make things work on your behalf.

But she didn't ask for that!

Now the problem is yours.

The problem was hers to begin with!  She basically gave a good reason why she could not go now that her husband could not go and they overrode it by trying to solve her problem for her.  As I see it, she didn't tell them that she wasn't comfortable with the solo trip because she wanted a solution but as a way of explaining why neither of them would be coming.

Sometimes trying to do something for someone who has not specifically asked for help can feel imposing. 

The Bride's first response should have been "I'm sorry we will miss you."  If she thought that her guest might need help then she should have asked her before finding someone to drive her.  That was a bit rude.  As adults, we don't make plans for other adults without their express permission and cooperation.

Now, this guest not only has to decline again to attend the event, but has to decline the extra work that the Bride has gone to.

It would have been more appropriate for the Bride to ask "Would you like me to find you a ride?"

It just makes me nuts that MM doesn't see how the Bride has now made what was an awkward situation to begin with, worse.

So I think the guest should accept at least half of the blame.  Now she gets to say what she should have said in the first place: "I don't want to attend without my husband; we're so sorry for messing you about after initially responding 'Yes'".

Right. She and her husband let the HC know they can no longer attended and the HC graciously accepted it. She should have left it at that. The second conversation with the bride's sister led to assumptions and turned a done deal into a mess.

Chez Miriam nailed it.

The LW said "that I wasn’t comfortable going alone since it is a three-hour drive, and I cannot drive after dark." Which put the bridal party into a tizzy 'she wants to attend, how can we fix this?'

Quote from: Chez Miriam on August 23, 2019, 01:16:35 pm

Now she gets to say what she should have said in the first place: "I don't want to attend without my husband; we're so sorry for messing you about after initially responding 'Yes'".

Ok, so what?!  You don't assume that someone still wants to come, you ask.  Because both of them begged off officially to the bride.  Her having a conversation later with someone who is not the bride where she expands upon her excuse is not an invitation for everyone to step in and fix it.  And certainly not to arrange for some guy she doesn't even know to come pick her up.

For them not to see that this isn't ok kind of boggles my mind.
 
You don't come up with a chaperone of sorts to drive a lady an hour and a half each way.  I'm sure that guy they pressed into service probably wasn't that cool with it either.  People want to help because it's a special event and they want to do everything in their power to make everyone happy.  But, y'all have to admit that that's not a cool situation.
 
Not that it's a calamity.  It's easy enough to say "oh, thank you so much, but I really can't.  We wish you all the best." 

Bride calls her male friend and says "it's ok, thanks for agreeing but we're not going to need you to drive, etc, etc.  He breathes a sigh of relief and everyone goes on with their lives.

I recently begged off an event because I couldn't drive by myself and my husband was no available to go with me.  I said as much publicly on the FB event page.  I would have been very upset if someone had ironed out my problem without consulting with me first.  I would expect someone to say "I think I might have a solution for you."  And then I would contact that person and discuss it.

But, to just say "Here, so and so will pick you up and drive you to and fro."  Nuh uh.

But, I could see how in the MM letter that communication could have gotten twisted.  The thing that annoyed me was MM making the situation worse for the LW implying that she is now imposing more on the bride to say no after the bride has gone to all that trouble.
 
I've had friends and family members who have done things like this to/for me before.  It's kind of oppressive, really.  You feel like an object because you aren't consulted.  And when you object, you're made to feel like you're being ungrateful.
 
I agree that her talking to the sister of the bride is what led to the mess.  But, they didn't need to act on what she said without first consulting her.  That's really the thing for me---consent.  You make sure that someone is ok with your solution before setting it all up.

Ok, so what?!  You don't assume that someone still wants to come, you ask.

I snipped the rest of your post but want to say that you brought up an excellent point. The bride shouldn't have made arrangements for LW without asking first.

I think it was kind of the Bride to take the guest at her word and assume she really wanted to attend but could not because of transportation, and so to try to provide arrangements. She really did nothing wrong.  Some people would have taken her up on the offer of a ride. 

True: but by the same token a great many people, like the LW, certainly would not have been comfortable with being driven 90 miles each way by a total stranger, and the obvious course of action would be to say: 'Several guests will be coming from your locality, and I'm sure one of them would be happy to give you a lift; would you like me to ask around?', not just go ahead and arrange it. Even with all allowances made for a bride who feels her wedding to be so thrilling that she can't imagine anyone not wanting to get to it by any means possible, she was a bit dense.

This is 1000% why you don't JADE when declining an event. If the invited person really wanted to come, they would have made arrangements on their own. They could have driven up the day before, stayed the night in a hotel/resort, and driven back home the following day. They could have asked around and found another relative to carpool with. Since they chose neither of those options, I can only assume going to this wedding wasn't super important to them, and you know what?, That's perfectly fine!

I sure as heck wouldn't want to be trapped 3 hours from home with a stranger. That is not a viable option to me. I mean seriously, my boss once got pissed because he arranged a group of us to carpool to a meeting that was 2-3 hours away and when the guy got there he was DOWSED in some NASTY cologne. I couldn't get in the car because of my allergies and asthma, so I drove myself and everyone else that was supposed to ride with him. Stuff like that can happen.