Bad Manners and Brimstone

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I think it was kind of the Bride to take the guest at her word and assume she really wanted to attend but could not because of transportation, and so to try to provide arrangements. She really did nothing wrong.  Some people would have taken her up on the offer of a ride. 

True: but by the same token a great many people, like the LW, certainly would not have been comfortable with being driven 90 miles each way by a total stranger, and the obvious course of action would be to say: 'Several guests will be coming from your locality, and I'm sure one of them would be happy to give you a lift; would you like me to ask around?', not just go ahead and arrange it. Even with all allowances made for a bride who feels her wedding to be so thrilling that she can't imagine anyone not wanting to get to it by any means possible, she was a bit dense.

I just want to point out that it was not a total stranger. LW said it was a man she didn't know well. She knows him at least enough to know he is not married but may be dating someone.

And we also don't know how it was put to her that she had the option of a ride. I can understand the bride wanting to see if she could arrange transport before offering since she was clearly taking LW at her word of wanting to attend but not being able to because of transport. As far as I can tell the LW would pretty much be in the same boat had she been presented with "would you like me to see if I can arrange transport" and her having to say no she didn't want her to.

And yet this bride has done everything in her power to make things work on your behalf.

But she didn't ask for that!

Now the problem is yours.

The problem was hers to begin with!  She basically gave a good reason why she could not go now that her husband could not go and they overrode it by trying to solve her problem for her.  As I see it, she didn't tell them that she wasn't comfortable with the solo trip because she wanted a solution but as a way of explaining why neither of them would be coming.

Sometimes trying to do something for someone who has not specifically asked for help can feel imposing. 

The Bride's first response should have been "I'm sorry we will miss you."  If she thought that her guest might need help then she should have asked her before finding someone to drive her.  That was a bit rude.  As adults, we don't make plans for other adults without their express permission and cooperation.

Now, this guest not only has to decline again to attend the event, but has to decline the extra work that the Bride has gone to.

It would have been more appropriate for the Bride to ask "Would you like me to find you a ride?"

It just makes me nuts that MM doesn't see how the Bride has now made what was an awkward situation to begin with, worse.

I agree with all these points. Thank you for doing all the work of typing it out so clearly! <3

I don't think either of them did anything terrible.  Yes, it would've been better to ask her if she would like a ride first, but her intentions were good, and she was responding to the problem that the LW herself stated by trying to solve it.  As Hanna points out, she simply took her at her word that she would come but for the transportation difficulty, and many people would have happily accepted.  I can even imagine a letter from someone in the LW's position saying "I clearly told her that I wanted to come but had no way to get there, and then I later found out that she knew that there was someone who easily could have given me a ride and never even told me!  I guess the bride only really wanted my husband and was all too eager to save the money."

What's the problem?  It's a little more awkward now, but not much different.  The LW can easily get out of it simply by saying something like, "It was nice of you to go to the trouble of trying to arrange transportation for me, but I think it's best if I just stay behind, as disappointed as I will be to miss your wedding.  I look forward to hearing all about it!  I'm sure it will be wonderful." 

I agree that the LW is really not in such a different position than if her friend had simply offered to arrange transportation -- it still would have been awkward to decline without it seeming like the wedding is no big deal to her.  She would still have had to say something like the above, just changing "It was nice of you to go to the trouble ..." with "It's nice of you to offer to go to the trouble ...."

So I can see where F/S and bride were talking and bride said 'Well, we are planning to invite Joel and he leaves near them. I'm sure he wouldn't mind giving LW a ride. Do you want me to ask him?"

And then, possibly, even if she intended to check with the LW first, F/S, Bride, or Groom might have happened to talk with Joel before they reached the LW and asked him, and he said yes.  And I'm sure Joel would not be shocked to get a call from whoever asked him saying, "LW won't be coming after all, so you don't need to drive her."  It just isn't all that different from them having checked with her first. 

In other words, it might have just been the way it worked out, on the part of people who were taking her at her word and trying to be helpful (or even think they were taking a hint from LW to solve her problem), not some busybody presumptuously making plans for others.