Bad Manners and Brimstone

The thread about giving guests a tour of the house made me think of this question. I've always taken for granted that bedrooms in other people's houses, even if they are one's own relations, are totally off-limits unless they explicitly ask you to go in there.  I'm not conscious of ever having been taught this by anyone; it was just a given. I assumed other civilised people (I don't count student flatmates and the like) felt the same. Hence my shock to find that my MIL didn't.

DH and I had bought an 18th-century house not far from where hs parents lived. MIL was (and still is) thrilled by this, and asked us as a favour to invite her, step-FIL and some of their old friends (not as much of an imposition as it sounds, as DH had known them from his boyhood up) to dinner to see the house. So we did. For some reason (I can't remember why) DH was called away that evening, so I was hosting them on my own. I gave them dinner, then suggested they all go up to the sitting room and I'd make coffee and bring it to them. But when I arrived with the tray there was nobody there but step-FIL. Where is everyone? I asked. He answered 'B has taken them up to your bedroom to see the view from your window'. I was not so much furious as plain flabbergasted: 'She's led all her friends off into our bedroom without even warning me, let alone a by-your-leave? What on earth makes her think that's an OK thing to do? Who does that?'  But B seemed to think that was totally normal, and couldn't see why I might be upset. (She got that I was upset, though, and has never done it again.)

How do all you Brimstoners feel about your bedrooms? Is it OK for people to roam through them, or not?

I personally believe that any area of the house that is not public rooms (open concept kitchens, dining rooms, living rooms) is off limits to guests unless expressly invited to that room. I find that most guests feel the same way except for my own sisters and my best friend. I've caught them showing off areas of my home to others without asking if it is ok. Years ago it was my sister traipsing people upstairs to see the nursery or another taking people into my husband's office after we had done a new wall treatment and I found my friend giving someone else a tour of my pantry of all things after I had done some remodeling. Even last month my sister was staying with me and asked for some lotion and I told her I'd get it to find her following me into my bedroom and private bath.

My sisters and my BFF would think nothing of me doing the same in their homes and don't view themselves as company so have don't think "company ready... i.e. not messy" rooms apply to them.

I threw a party once and set up the bedroom as a place to gather, and nobody would go in there.

Partly it was because the coats were on the bed ("that's where the coats live," someone objected when I suggested they go in the bedroom)

It just feels like a private room.

Bedrooms are off limits unless invited or given permission. Someone who hasn't been in my home before will be shown around as people like to see how others decorate and so on, but after that, no. Children who can't wait because the main bathroom is occupied may be invited to use the bathroom in my bedroom, or when I had a cat they were given permission to hunt her down in there for giving pets. I am fortunate though that the layout of my mobile home is such that my bedroom is at the far end, just past the kitchen and pantry area, and so no one would ever really have reason to accidentally wander that way.

It's interesting how the same situation can be viewed so differently when different sets of people are involved.
One of my dearest friends has had me visit and stay with her for weeks at a time, and she has visited us plenty - we've been BFFs for almost a decade, but I would never ever ever go into her bedroom (nor she mine) without a specific invitation - I don't know why, it's just how it happens.

Another of my closest friends? we will walk into each others bedrooms to get things, move things, clean things, look at things, rifle through the wardrobe or borrow slippers - pretty much nothing is off limits and nothing ever feels offensive.

It's funny though, if my sister did any of that, or if I behaved that way in my sisters house, we would probably have serious words - and if my MIL ever took people into my bedroom without clearing it with me or husband first, I would not be happy.

That has always been my thinking as well. 

Now, there are reasons that might come along that I would send someone into my bedroom* or where I might be sent into someone else's bedroom, but it is never considered open territory. 

*When my whole family; DDs and their family's, mom, sis, etc.  are here, I instruct everyone to feel free to use our ensuite bathroom.  Even then, the grandkids always ask first. 

I've felt uncomfortable going into the bedrooms of an occupied house I was inspecting prior to buying or renting, especially the closets.  It felt like such an invasion of their privacy.

If a host has not introduced me to a room, then I would not go in there. So I would consider a den, library, family room, ect. that the host did not offer for my hospitality to be off limits. This would go double for a bedroom. If I was closer to the host, say a very good friend, and we had previously gathered there, I *might* be more comfortable going in such a room, but probably never a bedroom.

However, I agree that it was not MIL's place to provide a tour to anyone. It might be appropriate for her to ask, but even then I would think that she is overstepping boundaries a bit.

I once had a boyfriend who had a key to my apartment. He knew that he was welcome there even if I was not. One day he stopped into the apartment with a friend of his when I was not home. I don't know if they went into my bedroom, but this felt like a violation of my trust. The key was meant to allow him and only him in.