Author Topic: They will party all night...  (Read 889 times)

Xainte

They will party all night...
« on: September 14, 2020, 08:39:29 am »
So this confounded me a little...

I spent the weekend with an old high school friend who was having a small dinner party ( only five and within Covid limits in Canada )  Or so I thought. 

The dinner was delicious and the company - two I knew including the host ( Lynne ) and the others I met for the first time - was great.  We were having a good time and enjoying good food and drinks.  It was winding down around 1:00 am - two guests had left by then and I was staying overnight since I had come from several hours away to visit for the weekend.  All of a sudden the door opened and three more people come rocking up wanting to party.  Lynne is definitely a partier.  She is welcoming them in and pouring the drinks.

They inform us they are here to go partying and take us with them.   I don't know these people and Lynne looks at me imploringly with puppy dog eyes and wants to go.  I really don't.  I'm tired.  Big parties are a significant Covid risk. Even if Covid wasn't an issue I know that they will be out all night and I'm just not up for it.

I quietly say to Lynne that no - I don't want to go but you go if you want.  I'll stay here.  I've known her long long enough to be comfortable in her home but I didn't actually expect her to go ( silly me! ).

They all went out and didn't turn up again until about six am.

I don't know what else I could have done.  I wasn't happy with the way the evening turned out and felt like I couldn't say much since it wasn't my home but I never would have allowed other people to hijack the evening that way.   

I felt like both a party pooper and an afterthought at the same time.

Has anyone had anything similar happen?  What did you do?



« Last Edit: December 15, 2020, 07:37:18 am by Xainte »

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Jem

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Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2020, 09:28:15 am »
I wouldn't take this personally as a snub, but I would probably consider whether to stay overnight with this friend going forward. Calling it a night at 1:00 is not being a party pooper unless you are running with a crowd of ravers, IMHO. When I was very young I might party until the wee hours, but as an adult certainly not. I have things to do the next day!

But again, I wouldn't take this as a personal slight. I think your friend took you at your word and since she wanted to keep partying, she did. It doesn't sound like she made a big deal over you NOT continuing to party.
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Xainte

Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2020, 09:35:00 am »
 
She certainly took me at my word  ::)

I didn't really feel snubbed so much since I was invited to go along but I thought it was a little inconsiderate kwim? 

It's just such a long drive to visit her.  I could stay in a hotel but I think she might feel hurt if I did that.

Jem

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Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2020, 09:44:31 am »

She certainly took me at my word  ::)

I didn't really feel snubbed so much since I was invited to go along but I thought it was a little inconsiderate kwim? 

It's just such a long drive to visit her.  I could stay in a hotel but I think she might feel hurt if I did that.

Oh absolutely she was inconsiderate! I don't get the sense she was mean spirited about it, but I would feel a little upset just like you do! I just meant that I don't think she was intentionally inconsiderate (even though she was in fact inconsiderate).
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Hmmm

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Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2020, 09:54:45 am »
With the current restrictions, I don't think it was appropriate for her to invite the others to stay. I also don't think it is appropriate for her to go to a large event while having an overnight guest and potentially exposing you the next day.

Pre-covid, I'm not sure how much this would have bothered me unless I was thinking we were going to continue to visit for a couple of more hours. Even in my younger days, I probably would have been ready to head to bed by 1am, so my host deciding to go out probably would have been fine for me.  I would have only been irritated if it impacted our plans for the next day or if I was uncomfortable staying at the friend's home without them being there. But I do have vague recollections of the "migrating" evening. I remember one game night we hosted that as it was winding down, someone suggested we all drive to the beach to watch the sun come up. My sister was staying with me and she chose to not go and I'm pretty sure she didn't care.

Were you thinking that you and her were going to get some quiet time to chat and catch up before heading to bed?

****
Just as an aside, I was first  :o :o :o :o People show up at other's homes at 1am? :o :o :o :o
Then I remember my college days and young 20's when after the bars closed at midnight or 2am, we might head to someone's home. But man am I getting old.  ;)

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DaDancingPsych

Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2020, 10:43:07 am »
How did her choice effect your visit? Did she sleep until noon and you were left waiting for her to awake to continue socializing? Was she grumpy the next day? Were you not planning to spend time with her so it made no difference?

I'm going to make an interesting assumption that the two of you are young. I feel like the rules are slightly different for younger people. It's more socially acceptable to make plan changes at a whim like this. But I still think that if a friend drove a distance to spend time with me that I should not be accepting other plans that may effect that visit. When Xainte declined, I think that the friend should have declined. The only thing that Xainte maybe should have done was remove the "but you can go if you want to". But otherwise, I would probably have done as you did. But I would take this into consideration for future visits.

However, I think COVID changes everything, at least in my area. The real problem would have been that my friend was heading to a party that I assuming was over gathering limits and probably with intoxicated folks who were failing to socially distance. I would have probably expressed this within my decline. It might have even meant that I cut the visit short as I would not have wanted to be around her upon return. However, I would have made my friend aware of my beliefs before the visit, so this would not have been a surprise. Everyone that I have been socializing with (and the list is very small) is well aware of the choices that I have been making and vice versa. If I had a friend who was attending large parties, I would probably not be visiting her (especially overnight) for the time being.

A side note about getting a hotel room. I am the sort of person who prefers to have her own space when visiting. So when making plans, I have said things like, "I really appreciate your offer to stay at your place, but I'm kinda weird. I am much more comfortable with my own hotel room. However, I do want to visit and do XYZ with you." When I make it more about me I think it removes the sting if there is any.
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Xainte

Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2020, 12:39:17 pm »
How did her choice effect your visit? Did she sleep until noon and you were left waiting for her to awake to continue socializing? Was she grumpy the next day? Were you not planning to spend time with her so it made no difference?

I'm going to make an interesting assumption that the two of you are young. I feel like the rules are slightly different for younger people. It's more socially acceptable to make plan changes at a whim like this. But I still think that if a friend drove a distance to spend time with me that I should not be accepting other plans that may effect that visit. When Xainte declined, I think that the friend should have declined. The only thing that Xainte maybe should have done was remove the "but you can go if you want to". But otherwise, I would probably have done as you did. But I would take this into consideration for future visits.

However, I think COVID changes everything, at least in my area. The real problem would have been that my friend was heading to a party that I assuming was over gathering limits and probably with intoxicated folks who were failing to socially distance. I would have probably expressed this within my decline. It might have even meant that I cut the visit short as I would not have wanted to be around her upon return. However, I would have made my friend aware of my beliefs before the visit, so this would not have been a surprise. Everyone that I have been socializing with (and the list is very small) is well aware of the choices that I have been making and vice versa. If I had a friend who was attending large parties, I would probably not be visiting her (especially overnight) for the time being.

A side note about getting a hotel room. I am the sort of person who prefers to have her own space when visiting. So when making plans, I have said things like, "I really appreciate your offer to stay at your place, but I'm kinda weird. I am much more comfortable with my own hotel room. However, I do want to visit and do XYZ with you." When I make it more about me I think it removes the sting if there is any.

Ha ha noooo  we are not young.  We are mid forties and her party crowd is middle-aged too.  I agree the expectations are different when you are younger and in my university days the "migrating party" was very much a thing.  Fond memories!

It didn't really affect the rest of the evening for me since I was tired and ready to go to bed.  It just felt a little off - while I wasn't offended I kept wondering if I should be.  I just wouldn't have done it myself if I had overnight guests.

I know - I offered.   That's on me which is why I'm not super angry.  But I felt a bit put on the spot.  I know it wasn't deliberate thoughtlessness but it's like she can't say no to an invitation or a drop by.

It reminds me of an incident in a long ago weekend visit.  We had plans to hit a nice outdoor market and then had dinner reservations at an Italian place.  Her place is pretty "open door" with people dropping by a lot ( the 1:30 am this time threw me a little though )

So people dropped by and stayed and stayed.  I caught her eye and signalled the time - she nodded but kept up the conversation and the drinks.  And they stayed.  Soon it was too late to go to the market and an hour later we missed our dinner reservation.  Our dinner was Subway that night.  After they finally left she apologized but was acting helpless as though she had no control over the situation.  I was spitting nails inside but tried to control it.  I did ask why she just didn't tell them that we had reservations and we needed to leave?  Again with a helpless shrug.  She seems to have trouble with this.

« Last Edit: September 14, 2020, 01:02:27 pm by Xainte »

DaDancingPsych

Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2020, 01:44:53 pm »
Ha ha noooo  we are not young.  We are mid forties and her party crowd is middle-aged too.  I agree the expectations are different when you are younger and in my university days the "migrating party" was very much a thing.  Fond memories!

It didn't really affect the rest of the evening for me since I was tired and ready to go to bed.  It just felt a little off - while I wasn't offended I kept wondering if I should be.  I just wouldn't have done it myself if I had overnight guests.

I know - I offered.   That's on me which is why I'm not super angry.  But I felt a bit put on the spot.  I know it wasn't deliberate thoughtlessness but it's like she can't say no to an invitation or a drop by.

It reminds me of an incident in a long ago weekend visit.  We had plans to hit a nice outdoor market and then had dinner reservations at an Italian place.  Her place is pretty "open door" with people dropping by a lot ( the 1:30 am this time threw me a little though )

So people dropped by and stayed and stayed.  I caught her eye and signalled the time - she nodded but kept up the conversation and the drinks.  And they stayed.  Soon it was too late to go to the market and an hour later we missed our dinner reservation.  Our dinner was Subway that night.  After they finally left she apologized but was acting helpless as though she had no control over the situation.  I was spitting nails inside but tried to control it.  I did ask why she just didn't tell them that we had reservations and we needed to leave?  Again with a helpless shrug.  She seems to have trouble with this.

Forgive my assumption; it sounds like we are close in age. I think it's a bit more normal for our cohort to "stick to the plan" and go to bed early (although 1am is late for me!) It's fine that she lives her life differently, but I think at some point that she may need to acknowledge that not everyone is like that.

I don't think you need to convince yourself to be offended in this situation. I agree with you that this is not how I would want to treat my house guest, but it's fine... maybe even wonderful that you are comfortable not demanding every second of your host's time. I don't put all the blame on you for this situation. She does need to be sensitive to your feelings, too. The way that you described your friend (the puppy eyes) makes it sound more forced. (I wonder what her typical behavior would be if you had put your foot down?) But what I am saying is that I do think that one can politely express their feelings about choices.

Since this friend seems to have a history of doing things like this, I think you have two options. You can express your feelings. It's possible that she does not realize that any of this bothers you. She seems to live her life like a leaf blowing in the wind and maybe she doesn't realize that some of her actions don't jive as well with you. Or I think you can accept that this is who she is and that any visits have the potential of going this way. That might mean that you visit less or not at all or that you be willing to work with whatever is thrown your way.

sandisadie

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Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2020, 02:03:10 pm »
I like that expression of someone living their life like a leaf blowing in the wind.  I've had a couple of friends who lived that way too.  Even when I was younger and liked to party into the night I wasn't comfortable with these "friends".  It seemed to me that I wasn't that important to them and when someone else popped up they were only too happy to participate and leave the plans we had hanging.  I think it's possible to take this kind of person in small doses, knowing that plans are fluid.
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Xainte

Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2020, 02:31:54 pm »
I like that expression of someone living their life like a leaf blowing in the wind.  I've had a couple of friends who lived that way too.  Even when I was younger and liked to party into the night I wasn't comfortable with these "friends".  It seemed to me that I wasn't that important to them and when someone else popped up they were only too happy to participate and leave the plans we had hanging.  I think it's possible to take this kind of person in small doses, knowing that plans are fluid.

That sums her up!  She has no off switch and I don't think it occurs to her that others do.  I've known her a long time and she just never wants a good time to end.  Long ago it was getting forced out of a bar, then going to a house party where she would literally stay until forced out by people having to leave for work or class etc.  Most people including myself would go home hours ago. 

This was when we were living in the same area so there wasn't the same kind of "hosting guests" expectations.

Now we don't so a visit is an overnighter.



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Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2020, 09:54:42 pm »
Lynne may be a very nice person, and a great friend, but I would have dropped her a long time ago. In the long ago incident you spoke of, I don't know if I would have been capable of saying anything at the time, because deep down, I would worry that Lynne really preferred to spend the time with the other people, and that our plans were happily ignored. I would be hurt and angry and frustrated. Like I said, she may be a wonderful person, but someone who would make me feel that bad about myself is not someone I choose to be around.
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HenrysMom

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Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #11 on: September 15, 2020, 10:53:34 pm »
Lynne may be a very nice person, and a great friend, but I would have dropped her a long time ago. In the long ago incident you spoke of, I don't know if I would have been capable of saying anything at the time, because deep down, I would worry that Lynne really preferred to spend the time with the other people, and that our plans were happily ignored. I would be hurt and angry and frustrated. Like I said, she may be a wonderful person, but someone who would make me feel that bad about myself is not someone I choose to be around.

This.  This is the kind of person I think of as “we have plans unless something better comes along” type.  It makes one feel inferior, like a second-tier friend.
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Xainte

Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #12 on: September 16, 2020, 12:41:50 pm »
Lynne may be a very nice person, and a great friend, but I would have dropped her a long time ago. In the long ago incident you spoke of, I don't know if I would have been capable of saying anything at the time, because deep down, I would worry that Lynne really preferred to spend the time with the other people, and that our plans were happily ignored. I would be hurt and angry and frustrated. Like I said, she may be a wonderful person, but someone who would make me feel that bad about myself is not someone I choose to be around.

This.  This is the kind of person I think of as “we have plans unless something better comes along” type.  It makes one feel inferior, like a second-tier friend.

Well yeah...that is how it makes you feel.  I know her well enough to know it isn't deliberate and it's more of a "can't say no" issue but still.

I remember giving her the gears about it at the time but today if that happened I would be a lot angrier. 

HenrysMom

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Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #13 on: September 16, 2020, 03:26:37 pm »
Lynne may be a very nice person, and a great friend, but I would have dropped her a long time ago. In the long ago incident you spoke of, I don't know if I would have been capable of saying anything at the time, because deep down, I would worry that Lynne really preferred to spend the time with the other people, and that our plans were happily ignored. I would be hurt and angry and frustrated. Like I said, she may be a wonderful person, but someone who would make me feel that bad about myself is not someone I choose to be around.

This.  This is the kind of person I think of as “we have plans unless something better comes along” type.  It makes one feel inferior, like a second-tier friend.

Well yeah...that is how it makes you feel.  I know her well enough to know it isn't deliberate and it's more of a "can't say no" issue but still.

I remember giving her the gears about it at the time but today if that happened I would be a lot angrier.

“But, I can’t say no!”  Yeah right.  I’ve had too many people say that to me in the past and I put up with it, because they’d say “you’re my best friend.”  Not if they cancel/change/derail plans on me last minute - nowadays if anyone does that to me, it’s fade out time.

It’s funny (bemused rather than ha ha, well, maybe ha ha too) when I pull back on them, because they don’t understand why and I can’t be bothered to explain it to them.  They will never “get it,” so why try?
« Last Edit: September 16, 2020, 03:31:35 pm by HenrysMom »

mrs_deb

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Re: They will party all night...
« Reply #14 on: September 16, 2020, 05:35:52 pm »
It reminds me of an incident in a long ago weekend visit.  We had plans to hit a nice outdoor market and then had dinner reservations at an Italian place.  Her place is pretty "open door" with people dropping by a lot ( the 1:30 am this time threw me a little though )

So people dropped by and stayed and stayed.  I caught her eye and signalled the time - she nodded but kept up the conversation and the drinks.  And they stayed.  Soon it was too late to go to the market and an hour later we missed our dinner reservation.  Our dinner was Subway that night.  After they finally left she apologized but was acting helpless as though she had no control over the situation.  I was spitting nails inside but tried to control it.  I did ask why she just didn't tell them that we had reservations and we needed to leave?  Again with a helpless shrug.  She seems to have trouble with this.

Oh jeez.  That would totally frost my brownies.  You're kinder than I am, visiting her again after that!