Bad Manners and Brimstone

OOOPS.  There's rules.   

Quote from: Jem on August 15, 2019, 02:18:02 pm

My DH sometimes calls me "Mom" and it irritates me to no end. First, I am not his Mom, and second, my actual child does not call me "Mom" nor have I ever called my own mother "Mom!"

I read somewhere that when spouses start calling each other "mom" and "dad", it's a clear sign the romance has left the relationship!

Hah! I wouldn’t say that is the case for us. I think my DH just thinks it is funny while I don’t!

Vorfemme, I have never known anyone, other than me, who had a mother and a MIL with the same name! How amazing!

My grandmother may have you beat - not only did she marry a man with the same Surname as her - both their mothers had the same first name.  So her mother and her mother in law both had the exact same name

My dad and my husband's biological father both have the same first name - but his father goes by a completely different name (part of his half brothers' surname)

To the original question I think it's completely up to you and what you feel comfortable with

I'm not sure what my mum called my dad's mother (she died when I was 7 or 8 and I never remember hearing her call her another other than 'your gran'), I call my in laws by their first names, DH calls my parents by their first names - however my dad did call my mother's parents mum and dad - but in all honesty as he was best friend's with her brother I'm not even sure if he did that before they got together - but he called his own mother Mom

Quote from: LifeOnPluto on August 17, 2019, 01:39:23 am

Quote from: Jem on August 15, 2019, 02:18:02 pm

My DH sometimes calls me "Mom" and it irritates me to no end. First, I am not his Mom, and second, my actual child does not call me "Mom" nor have I ever called my own mother "Mom!"

I read somewhere that when spouses start calling each other "mom" and "dad", it's a clear sign the romance has left the relationship!

It's pretty much a necessity at the mimicry stage of childraising, though. The child calls the parent what you do. If you call them by their first name, so will the kids.

However, I'm on a committee chaired by a married couple whose youngest kid is rather old (and is not present at the meeting). The husband calls the wife "Mom" at the meetings and it squicks me out.

I agree, I think during child-rearing stage, it's not uncommon to refer to someone with their title when they are playing that role.
Kid: can I have a cookie?
Me: Ask Dad when dinner will be ready.

Or,
me: Hey, Dad, where are Junior's jamamas?

But when I'm elsewhere, I would never use it. It would bother me to hear someone  use it when their role is absolutely not in play.

I call my MIL "Noni," but now that my kids are growing up and are not there when I'm there all the time, it feels weird, and I'm going to go back to calling them by their names.

Quote from: LifeOnPluto on August 17, 2019, 01:39:23 am

Quote from: Jem on August 15, 2019, 02:18:02 pm

My DH sometimes calls me "Mom" and it irritates me to no end. First, I am not his Mom, and second, my actual child does not call me "Mom" nor have I ever called my own mother "Mom!"

I read somewhere that when spouses start calling each other "mom" and "dad", it's a clear sign the romance has left the relationship!

It's pretty much a necessity at the mimicry stage of childraising, though. The child calls the parent what you do. If you call them by their first name, so will the kids.

However, I'm on a committee chaired by a married couple whose youngest kid is rather old (and is not present at the meeting). The husband calls the wife "Mom" at the meetings and it squicks me out.

I disagree with that. My husband never addressed me as Mom nor I him as Dad or any other term while my children were young. We would refer to each other as "mom" or "dad" as in "there's your mom" when playing pickaboo or "let's see if Daddy is ready for dinner". But neither of my children tried to refer to me with my first name.

I’d like to request again that relate our own practices and preferences in a way that does not imply that other people are wrong to make other choices.  Others do not have to be wrong for us to be right. That’s always true, but it’s especially important here where we are also dealing with different cultural expectations.

As I said, I usually called my in-laws by their first names, and as a mother-in-law, I am called by my first name myself.  So it is not at all that I am saying that there’s anything wrong with that!

But I don’t think it’s necessary to state or strongly imply that that is the only appropriate and healthy choice, because “we are adults” and “our in-laws are not our parents.” Surely we all know people who call their in-laws mom and dad; do you feel that they are not fully adults, or that they must have distorted parental relationships?  Of course not.  (And of course it would be equally wrong to state or imply that the only polite thing to do is to call them mom and dad, and anything else is disrespectful.)

Of course, no one has said that explicitly. But I think you know what I mean.  Someone could write, in a string about whether to change your name when you marry, “I kept my last name because I am not subsuming my identity to my husband’s,“ and they haven’t explicitly said that they think anyone who does change their name has done so.  But it’s pretty hard not to hear the tacit implication, isn’t it?  Sometimes just adding something like “to me, it feels funny because …” can go a long way.

***

I would like to hear more about the conversations people have had in their own families about this, as guihong has shared. Did you talk to your in-laws, in either direction, about it?  Did anyone ask anyone else how they felt about it or what names they would like to use?  I don’t recall there being very long conversations, if any at all, in our family. I don’t think anyone had very strong feelings one way or the other, though.
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I’d like to request again that relate our own practices and preferences in a way that does not imply that other people are wrong to make other choices. Others do not have to be wrong for us to be right. That’s always true, but it’s especially important here where we are also dealing with different cultural expectations.

As I said, I usually called my in-laws by their first names, and as a mother-in-law, I am called by my first name myself.  So it is not at all that I am saying that there’s anything wrong with that!

But I don’t think it’s necessary to state or strongly imply that that is the only appropriate and healthy choice, because “we are adults” and “our in-laws are not our parents.” Surely we all know people who call their in-laws mom and dad; do you feel that they are not fully adults, or that they must have distorted parental relationships?  Of course not.  (And of course it would be equally wrong to state or imply that the only polite thing to do is to call them mom and dad, and anything else is disrespectful.)

Of course, no one has said that explicitly. But I think you know what I mean.  Someone could write, in a string about whether to change your name when you marry, “I kept my last name because I am not subsuming my identity to my husband’s,“ and they haven’t explicitly said that they think anyone who does change their name has done so.  But it’s pretty hard not to hear the tacit implication, isn’t it?  Sometimes just adding something like “to me, it feels funny because …” can go a long way.

***

I would like to hear more about the conversations people have had in their own families about this, as guihong has shared. Did you talk to your in-laws, in either direction, about it?  Did anyone ask anyone else how they felt about it or what names they would like to use?  I don’t recall there being very long conversations, if any at all, in our family. I don’t think anyone had very strong feelings one way or the other, though.
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I'm assuming you are referring to Snappy's comments. I did not read it as you did. I read it as explaining why it would have never occurred to  Snappy to call her inlaws by anything other than their first names. I did not read it as implying she thought others were wrong in their choices.