Author Topic: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny  (Read 3539 times)

Aleko

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Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #15 on: April 21, 2019, 01:24:52 am »
I don't think anyone comes very well out of this. BIL is either extraordinarily insensitive not to realise that LW is not the type to appreciate his presents, or he knows perfectly well and is just doing it to annoy. While the sister may well feel obligated to defend her husband's behaviour to others, (unless she actually enjoys seeing her humourless sister wound up, which is possible) she is equally obligated to head him off from doing things that gratuitously offend people. LW should (a) take that pile of joke-shop stuff to the charity shop, stop sending expensive "thoughtful" gifts, and either brace herself to tell him to his face that she dislikes them or simply say nothing and stop sending him anything.  And the columnist should not encourage LW to make a dramatic gesture which can only result in a family breach, whether it gratifies him enormously or genuinely wounds him. And, as Venus123 says, to follow that with a gift card is just inane.
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Venus193

Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #16 on: April 21, 2019, 05:44:51 am »
I don't see the LW as "humorless".  I think she has the right to object to "humor" designed to embarrass her.
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Aleko

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Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #17 on: April 21, 2019, 06:07:00 am »
Quote
I don't see the LW as "humorless".  I think she has the right to object to "humor" designed to embarrass her.

So do I, believe me. I just think that a person with any sense of humour would deal with it much better.  As - just for example - composing deadpan thank-you letters: '****-shaped pasta: how witty. That will no doubt amuse my guests the next time I invite a group of teenage boys to dinner.'
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vintagegal

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Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #18 on: April 21, 2019, 07:15:59 am »
Or she could open the gift, give it right back to him, and say, Happy Early Birthday BIL!!

sandisadie

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Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #19 on: April 21, 2019, 02:04:54 pm »
I agree with others who say just throw all the joke gifts out and stop giving them any headspace.  Or, if you want to go along with the jokester then you could wrap up last years gift you received and give it to him next time.  You could even save it in the same wrapping paper and just add a new gift tag with his name on it.  I wouldn't spend any more money or thought in a gift for him if you really, really didn't want to.
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Hanna

Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #20 on: April 21, 2019, 03:20:53 pm »
One way to handle it is to cheerfully refuse to open his gift and claim to be saving it for later at home. Just no matter what he says, being downright adamant about opening it later.  It could even be fun to play dumb and immovable about this.  It’s likely that after a few times he’d lose interest since he’s not getting a rise out of his intended victim.

I would definitely stop buying gifts for him. If I wanted to still get something I’d make it a family gift instead that both he and his wife could share.
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NyaChan

Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #21 on: April 21, 2019, 06:57:35 pm »
I could understand being frustrated the first or second year of spending time and effort on a gift and getting “junk” in return (note I find those gifts funny but a bit tone deaf in this context), but I don’t get harboring resentment over something she should expect by now and keeping the gifts for this long.  Clearly their gifting styles and humor don’t match up.  I think she should enjoy dumping every one of the gifts in the trash and switch to small, obligation gifts for the BIL from now on.  It’ll save her time and emotional headspace.
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Titanica

Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #22 on: April 22, 2019, 10:39:54 am »
I would agree with everyone, that she should just throw the stuff out and forget about it. 

However, she seems to really want to get a point across.  If that's the case, then I would say that the next time he gives her a gift, she should open it and look at it as if she's confused by it.  Make him explain it, and then say something like "Oh.  So . . . why would you think I would like this?  Why do you think this is appropriate for me?"  And just keep up the confused act.  Keep him going for a while, then just shrug and say "Oh, ok."  then put it down and move on. 
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Kimpossible

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Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #23 on: April 22, 2019, 10:49:12 am »
I could understand being frustrated the first or second year of spending time and effort on a gift and getting “junk” in return (note I find those gifts funny but a bit tone deaf in this context), but I don’t get harboring resentment over something she should expect by now and keeping the gifts for this long.  Clearly their gifting styles and humor don’t match up.  I think she should enjoy dumping every one of the gifts in the trash and switch to small, obligation gifts for the BIL from now on.  It’ll save her time and emotional headspace.
This.
Long ago LW should have realized that this was going to be the standard. To continue to fret over his gift smacks of martyrdom. Buy him a $5 gift and be done with it. Accept his gift with a reasonable amount of thankfulness and toss it.
I would be very tempted to invite him over for a dinner of willie shaped pasta. Not as a retaliatory measure. It just be a bit of fun in the same vein that he seems to enjoy.

DaDancingPsych

Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #24 on: April 22, 2019, 12:13:51 pm »
I think that the problem is that the LW wants to give/receive "value gifts" and the BIL wants to give (and probably receive) "gag gifts". Nothing wrong with either, but they both seem to be missing what their receiver wants (at least in the BIL's case) and they are not taking clues off of the other.

I am not a fan of the advice given. Regifting the gag gifts back isn't terrible (as that would actually be matching what BIL is doing), but I think adding a gift card as an olive branch is taking things to a new level. The LW would be setting herself up that she is now expected to give TWO gifts (value and gag).

Since the LW has made her feelings known, I would do one of two things. I would either start buying BIL gag gifts (regifts or newly purchased ones), as that seems to be what he wants. Or I would forgo gifting all together. When the gifting levels become uneven (even if only in my eyes) and I am feeling like I am putting more into buying than what I am receiving, then the gifting situation is becoming tainted. Neither of us will enjoy giving or receiving, so why do it? Stop gifting and focus on keeping the relationship positive.

HenrysMom

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Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #25 on: April 22, 2019, 12:52:32 pm »
I can’t figure out why the LW would even bother bringing the “joke” gifts into her home, much less storing them.  As to re-gifting the items back to BIL, while it might feel good in the moment, would encourage him to continue or to escalate.  My own instinct would be to thank BIL, then have the “gift” find it’s way into the nearest trash can.  If there is no way to stop gifting, I would make it $10-15-20 gift cards from here on out.  No need for expensive, thoughtful gifts - that’s like “casting pearls before swine.”
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Codewoman

Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #26 on: April 22, 2019, 04:42:24 pm »
Buy him no gift. When he tries to give you one, refuse it (firmly but politely) stating that you didn't get him one. Do not justify, argue, defend or explain.

And toss those prior gag gifts received post-haste. Burn, crush, bag, bury - one, all, or a combination.

What (if anything) is given is the decision of the giver. To accept, or not is the decision of the recipient.
« Last Edit: April 22, 2019, 04:44:20 pm by Codewoman »

Aleko

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Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #27 on: April 23, 2019, 01:45:22 am »
Quote
They both seem to be missing what the receiver wants (at least in the BIL's case)

No, I would say they are both missing it. I can't believe that BIL, who routinely sends simple-minded joke-shop stocking fillers, is actually hoping for "thoughtful, expensive" presents in return. And on her own showing, LW is doggedly and resentfully continuing to send such presents, trying to guilt him into responding in kind.

I think that much the simplest solution and least would be to suggest - perhaps via the sister - that they all just drop the practice of giving Christmas or birthday presents altogether and just send cards. As somebody said way up this thread, giving presents is really only obligatory to and between children - plus, I would say, people who live in the same household: it's pretty bleak to wake up on Christmas or someone's birthday and not give/receive presents to/from the people around you.  But it's often quite difficult for adult relatives who don't share a household even to have any idea what each other would like, so they scrape their brains to find something. Even if that doesn't lead to offence, as here, it can easily mean a build-up of pointless white elephants. And if they're reduced to an exchange of gift cards of roughly equal value, they might as well drop the whole ritual and just write a warm message inside a greetings card.
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DaDancingPsych

Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #28 on: April 23, 2019, 12:11:31 pm »
Quote
They both seem to be missing what the receiver wants (at least in the BIL's case)

No, I would say they are both missing it. I can't believe that BIL, who routinely sends simple-minded joke-shop stocking fillers, is actually hoping for "thoughtful, expensive" presents in return. And on her own showing, LW is doggedly and resentfully continuing to send such presents, trying to guilt him into responding in kind.

I hope that you are right, as that would paint BIL in a better light. If he wanted the expensive, thoughtful gifts, but did not want to put the time in himself, that would make him quite selfish. I HOPE that he thinks that gag gifts are thoughtful and is just missing that the LW is not enjoying them.

bopper

Re: Ask Natalie: His Gag Gifts Aren't Funny
« Reply #29 on: April 23, 2019, 02:40:25 pm »
He clearly is not into the gift thing. So don't spend as much effort or spend no effort.

"BIL, I know you think these gifts are funny but to me they are just junk I have to throw away. Let us save each other time and just skip buying gifts."
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