Bad Manners and Brimstone

My daughter is 21, pregnant and single.  I know that it is poor form for a mother to throw her daughter a shower.  Would it be excusable if only family were invited (aunts and cousins)? Dh and I live in a different state but dd and the rest of the family are in the same area. They check on her and are generally there for her.  Around her due date, we'll be driving down and spending at least 4 months helping out.

I think family/only showers are fine if hosted by grandma-to-be.

And a great many other people don’t really care.

I agree, if you’re nervous, ask a good friend of hers or a cousin to join you.

You don't have to call it a shower.

I don't think I've ever attended a baby shower that wasn't hosted by the grandma-to-be.

Even Miss Manners would approve of a family-only shower thrown by a relative of the mother-to-be.

As I understand it, the reason some (older?) etiquette objects to relatives hosting a baby shower an inviting non-family guests is the idea that the pregnant woman's family should be the ones helping her by buying things she/the baby needs. From that angle, it can come across as "please buy things for my daughter/sister/niece so the family doesn't have to spend as much money."

A shower is unusual because it's a party for adults where the main point is "please buy things for the guest of honor," and it's socially acceptable for opening presents to be the main entertainment.

I think it also makes a difference what sort of gifts people are bringing, or being asked for: friends buying you colorful onesies is different from asking your friends to pay for an expensive stroller.

Dazi: the point about the rule is that a shower, uniquely among social events, is overtly intended as a gift grab. While it is traditional and expected to bring a present to other kinds of event - weddings, children' birthday parties - a shower is the only gathering whose stated purpose is to get people to bring loot: the presents are the event. The shower originated with groups of friends saying 'Let's get together at a party to give our mutual friend some things that will come in useful for their new life situation!', and that was just about OK because, the organisers not being related to this person, that wasn't a grab for their own family's benefit.

 Obviously it would be unseemly to hold a party for yourself (generic you) where guests are instructed to bring you a present and maybe even instructed what kind or colour or decorative theme is acceptable: it is only slightly less unseemly for one's close family to hit up everyone they know to furnish your house, equip your new baby, or whatever, because if the family feel you need help it's really their job to provide it.

It's absolutely right for OP to want to organise a party to celebrate DD's pregnancy warmly and (by implication) show that DD's family is totally in support. But I'm with oogyda: just don't call it a shower. People who want to give presents certainly will.

The other factor that makes a difference for me is what is expected at showers these days.  When DH and I were engaged, and later, when we were pregnant, showers were relatively low-key affairs, with fairly small groups.  It's one thing to invite 10 to 15 people over, provide dessert, coffee/soft drinks, maybe nuts or mints, maybe veggies or cheese.  It's another thing entirely to invite 30 to 40 people, and serve them an entire meal, both in terms of effort and expense.  There are very few (if any) non-family members that I would do this for. 
We did host a BBQ for DS and DDIL when they were pregnant with their second.  They were living near us at that point, and she was having a hard time being far away from her parents and her good friends during the pregnancy.  The BBQ was more for our/our DS's family/friends, but it still celebrated them.  And it was just a BBQ--but lots of people brought presents!

Sorry it took so long to get back to y'all.  Well, my plan was to drive down a month before the baby's due date, spoil my dd, and arrange a small get together.  The car was loaded, we had driven into town to gas up, then we got the call.  The doctor wanted to do a cesaerean in the next 3 hours! We were 7 hours away. I called my sister in tears because I didn't want my dd to deliver alone. She was babysitting her grandchildren but juggled everything so she could drive an hour to the hospital. She was in the waiting room when she called us to announce the birth of our 4 lb, 4 oz granddaughter.

She wasn't alone. The pharmacist from Publix, her boss, was in the delivery room with her, held her hand, and took photos. I will forever be grateful for that woman.  Several friends had given dd gifts. The Methodists and Baptist church ladies showed up and brought beautiful gifts and added their phone numbers in case she needed help. They brought her new, beautiful, baby clothes, feeding equipment, diapers, blankets, and gift cards. We're not even their denomination. Wow. The Catholics offered casseroles.

A dear family friend who is a Catholic priest outside of New Orleans, asked if he could travel over (a 6 hour round trip) and perform the baptism. DD was estatic! My God-daughter, who is 17, offered to sew the christening gown. DD said sure and made her the Godmother. Since the baby was so tiny, she had to stay home away from groups of people. So, no Christmas with the family, no church, no shopping.  The baby was 7 weeks old at the christening and it was her first public event.  Dear friends traveled 7 and 8 hours one way just to be there.  That's when I had the big party. Few people brought gifts since they had already given them. It didn't feel like a gift grab.  It felt like a thank you to all the guests for being there for my daughter.