Bad Manners and Brimstone

My mom recently passed from breast cancer, and we are in the middle of making arrangements. Hoo boy, so much family drama. I don’t even know how to navigate this.

My mom remarried 18 years ago to a selfish control freak. He is dictating the plans because 1) he’s a pastor and knows how these things go, 2) he has strong opinions and knows what she would have wanted, and 3) he’s paying for it

Problems - 1) he’s not the only pastor in our family, and we don’t all agree on a “right way” to do a service, or even that there IS a right way. 2) he’s already made decisions that are not at all in keeping with her wishes. He’s asking for charitable donations to his church in lieu of flowers. My mom LOVED flowers and gifts and beautiful things. She HATED charitable donations as “gifts”. 3) anyone who uses that line knows they have no real argument.

Our state is limiting funerals to 25 people. The church is abiding by that rule, despite there being no practical repercussions to violating it. I am fine with that. I hate when people use their “faith” to flout authority. Plus, I am high risk, and opening the service to everybody would necessitate I stay home. But, now we have to decide who makes the cut. Mom has three children, all married, with 7 grandchildren, one married. That’s 14. She has 5 step-children (acquired as adults), all married, with 17 step-grandchildren. She also has two surviving brothers, both married with children, and her sister’s children. As you can see, there is no way to include all the Tier 1 and 1.5 people. Then, you get into all her friends, many of whom predate me. So, it’s complicated. There’s no way everyone who should be there can be invited. I was able to come up with a list of 25 that included members from both families, and mom’s closest friends.

My stepdad has decided that grandchildren are not invited. His first wife’s sister and husband are. Four of mom’s friends and their husbands are. I am spitting mad.

Is it wrong of me to go behind his back, reach out to a couple of the invitees that I know, and tell them (in much better words) that their place on the invite list supplanted grandchildren? I really wish I could disinvite the people I’ve never heard of, but I don’t know them at all.

This sucks.

I'm so sorry about your mom!

My grandmother passed away last June, & we had a very small funeral due to restrictions, but they did record it to share with those who couldn't attend. I'd ask the funeral home about it, but it seems kind of standard now.

Is there a way to include grandchildren safely? (Not sure of your traditions, but I would think the outdoor portion of the funeral can be socially distant and safe.)

This doesn't help the OP, but when my grandmother went into a home, we were required to have her funeral planned & paid for. I'm so glad my mom didn't have to deal with doing that on top of everything else! (It made me think that I should do so for myself.) She called my sister & me more than once just picking the holy cards! She wouldn't have been able to make all those other decisions, too!

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would push back on the guest list. Some of those people need to be taken off and replaced with those closer to her. You can always put a memorial together for her at a later date, maybe a year on hopefully restrictions will be lifted so the family and friends can come together for a celebration of her life when things have calmed down.

My dad died in October and had prepaid/arranged his funeral. It made it so much easier as we just had to dot the i's and cross the t's, my brother and I were in agreement with everything. There were no covid restrictions but we were given the option to also have the funeral online for those that couldn't make it from overseas as our boarders were closed.

We are in a similar situation (minus the drama) as it's my father's funeral

TBH most people are automatically 'if you need me not to come for numbers let me know' or saying they will come on their own (whereas normally their partner would also come) and several people have said that they can't come due to distance etc (nothing is open and can't have a wake afterwards it's 30 people for the service only) - I suspect his siblings are also thinking of their age and the distance - both in their 80s and don't live near) - I actually find it quite strange that people aren't automatically offering to step back and I'm sure they would if they were told that X was devastated they couldnt come due to lack of room

You could choose to have it streamed online if you wanted (and/or recorded)

When my cousin died in the first wave there were only 12 people allowed - so that was his wife, 4 kids (and son in law), his dad (his mum died the year before) and his two sisters and their husbands - no nieces, nephews, aunts or uncles - and sometimes it's easier to cut even harsher than to make sure the numbers are full, (so step grandchildren - or even all grandchildren under a certain age)

Sorry for your loss.  I think you are justified in being upset about some of the arrangements. Including the husband's first wife's sister and husband in place of actual family members is odd. However, no good can come from pushing back on any of this. All it will do is to create more bad feelings. The real problem here is that you have a fairly large family and an allowance for only 25 attendees. That guarantees that some people who should be there must be excluded. I think that going to people who have been invited, and telling them that they are supplanting family members is not a good idea. They would probably discuss it with others and, again, it would just create drama that shouldn't be there. If I were in your shoes, I too would be resentful, but I think that it is up to the spouse to make the final decisions. You can't win this. You would be better off to let it go, and perhaps have some kind of outdoor memorial service on your own terms.

The situation really stinks, but I think lakey and others are right. You can't win. There are clearly more than 25 people who *should* be there.

My dad passed away a year ago, and we held no service. My mom wasn't emotionally ready for it at first, and then covid hit....

I agree with the suggestion to hold another memorial with the people who were closest to your mother, and do it in a way that she would have liked. Let those attendees know that they will be welcomed at a different time and that you've designated no charity.

Your stepfather can be surrounded by what brings him comfort or a sense of propriety at this time, and you (and siblings?) can be surrounded by what brings you comfort and a sense of having honored her wishes at another time.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your loss, TurtleIScream, and the added stress this funeral is causing you.

I'm going to reply from the Stepdad's perspective. My mother's husband passed away recently and we dealt with many of the same issues. She was married to him for 20 years and he had six grown children of his own, plus a myriad of grand and great grandchildren. Like you, they all had opinions on the funeral, who to include, the obituary, and the burial.

For my mother, in those first awful stages of grief, the last thing she needed were attempts to overthrow, second guess, or cajole her into changing her mind. She was open to suggestions but we (her children) had to make it clear to everyone that HER decisions were final. The reasoning for this was that she was his wife for 20 years. She was the one who did the "heavy lifting" for almost 10 of those years as he suffered from dementia. She was with him 24 hours a day for 20 years. Sure, his children were in his life longer, adored him and visited when they could but ultimately I believe it's the spouse who should have the final say. There was grumbling, for sure, but we tried to keep it away from my mom.

I hope that in you will try to make it as easy on her spouse as possible, even as you (rightfully) disagree with some decisions. And I encourage you to hold your own memorial at a later time to include everyone you want and all the beautiful flowers your mom would have loved. Again, I'm sorry for your loss!

Thank you all so much for your perspectives. This was a horrible situation made worse by COVID restrictions and family drama.

We did arrange for a live streaming of the service. Due to Michigan weather, we had to be indoors and subject to the numbers limitations. The church, a huge facility, said the 25 limit was for the entire building and we couldn’t have an overflow room. We ended up having a separate family reception at my sister’s, where my brother and his family were welcome. Having our own service felt too “sour grapes”, but this was a good compromise for us.

In the end, my cousin’s husband stayed home with their three young children to make space for my nephew. I have already sent a heartfelt note recognising his closeness to my mom, and thanking him for honouring their deep love in that way.

I met the late wife’s sister and husband for the first time at the service. They are selfish and entitled. They pushed ahead of the children (and step-children) for seating in the front row and viewing before closing the casket. My step dad was officiating the service, so was on the platform, so they weren’t trying to be close by for him. They also hung back from my step-siblings, who I would understand might have wanted their mother’s family close, so I’m not sure what was going on with them. But, let them deal with their own family dynamics. My best friend advised me to not let myself become the kidneys, thinking I have to filter and process all the crap going on, so that’s been my mantra which served me well.

Other than them, it really was a lovely service. There were a few things I bristled at, but he really did love her and was also trying to process his grief. We were able to sneak in someone from my church, which I didn’t realise how important/supportive I’d find until he showed up. The pianist my stepdad arranged for didn’t know how to play any of the hymns selected, so our church’s pianist stepped in with about 18 hours notice. My mom had visited our church a couple of times and heard him play, so I know she would have appreciated it. Even my stepdad approved our choice. The pianist also got a very heartfelt note of thanks along with his payment.

Today is a snow day! So I get an extra day of processing and being with my family until life goes back to normal.

Thanks again! I hope everyone else here has family that stays healthy and no one has to navigate this during such a weird time.

Thank you all so much for your perspectives. This was a horrible situation made worse by COVID restrictions and family drama.

We did arrange for a live streaming of the service. Due to Michigan weather, we had to be indoors and subject to the numbers limitations. The church, a huge facility, said the 25 limit was for the entire building and we couldn’t have an overflow room. We ended up having a separate family reception at my sister’s, where my brother and his family were welcome. Having our own service felt too “sour grapes”, but this was a good compromise for us.

In the end, my cousin’s husband stayed home with their three young children to make space for my nephew. I have already sent a heartfelt note recognising his closeness to my mom, and thanking him for honouring their deep love in that way.

I met the late wife’s sister and husband for the first time at the service. They are selfish and entitled. They pushed ahead of the children (and step-children) for seating in the front row and viewing before closing the casket. My step dad was officiating the service, so was on the platform, so they weren’t trying to be close by for him. They also hung back from my step-siblings, who I would understand might have wanted their mother’s family close, so I’m not sure what was going on with them. But, let them deal with their own family dynamics. My best friend advised me to not let myself become the kidneys, thinking I have to filter and process all the crap going on, so that’s been my mantra which served me well.

Other than them, it really was a lovely service. There were a few things I bristled at, but he really did love her and was also trying to process his grief. We were able to sneak in someone from my church, which I didn’t realise how important/supportive I’d find until he showed up. The pianist my stepdad arranged for didn’t know how to play any of the hymns selected, so our church’s pianist stepped in with about 18 hours notice. My mom had visited our church a couple of times and heard him play, so I know she would have appreciated it. Even my stepdad approved our choice. The pianist also got a very heartfelt note of thanks along with his payment.

Today is a snow day! So I get an extra day of processing and being with my family until life goes back to normal.

Thanks again! I hope everyone else here has family that stays healthy and no one has to navigate this during such a weird time.

I'm so sorry for your loss. It sounds like, all in all, this turned out well. I love that you sent handwritten notes to appreciate people and their sacrifices. (I'll be stealing "Don't be the kidneys" for my mantra. That's really visceral and really helpful. What a wonderful and supportive friend.) I'll keep you in my thoughts as you continue to grieve and process. Hugs!