Author Topic: How would you respond to this?  (Read 1520 times)

Despedina

How would you respond to this?
« on: September 26, 2020, 11:05:41 am »
We have a family member who, when you invite him  and his family to something will most of the time say his favorite phrase.  This phrase is "If I see you I will see you, and if I don't I won't".  Basically, he won't commit but might show up.  I never know how to respond to this.  I want to say "Well maybe next time" to make the decision for him.  Thoughts?

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Kimpossible

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2020, 11:20:01 am »
I'd stop inviting him.
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Rose Red

Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2020, 11:35:46 am »
I want to say "Well maybe next time" to make the decision for him.  Thoughts?

Go ahead. Tell him you need an answer one way or another and if he can't give one, you'll make plans without him and you'll see him when you see him next time. Say it in a calm neutral tone; not an annoyed or hostile tone.

Then don't invite him to anything again. He doesn't respect you or your time and efforts so why invite someone who insults you like that? You probably have to invite him to big family events like thanksgiving and weddings to avoid drama, but nothing else.
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Hmmm

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2020, 11:56:34 am »
We have a family member who, when you invite him  and his family to something will most of the time say his favorite phrase.  This phrase is "If I see you I will see you, and if I don't I won't".  Basically, he won't commit but might show up.  I never know how to respond to this.  I want to say "Well maybe next time" to make the decision for him.  Thoughts?

Yes, I think that is the perfect response.

He sounds immature so I'd probably be a bit meaner. I'd probably go with 'Sorry, I need a firm commitment. Give us a call sometime and if we are available, maybe we can get together then."

Transfer the next social engagement obligation to him.
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Mary Sunshine Rain

Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2020, 01:38:53 pm »
I think my response would depend on how formal or casual the event was.
 
I have had a few friends who I invite over and who cancel at the last minute--repeatedly!  It's always a migraine or some other health related issue.  And I have just come to accept that if I want to keep them as friends, this is what it is.  One them I haven't seen in like 3 years!

But, the friendship is there.  If she called me in the middle of the night needing something, I would go.

But, if I invite her to a party, the chances of her showing up are about 1 in 10, maybe.

So, if the even requires knowing one way or the other, then I would press for a definite answer.  But, if I enjoyed that person's company (and I do enjoy the company of these friends, rare though it be), then I would issue invitations that would be so casual that it would be --well, there's enough if they show up, etc.

I just don't see that it needs to be either/or.  They have their lifestyle, or health issues, or whatever.  I take them as they come, keep my expectations low and only invite them when I don't really need a firm yes.

That might sound sad, and in some cases, it has meant just letting the friendship go.  But, in most cases, it just makes me sad that I don't get to see them as much.
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Rose Red

Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2020, 03:25:43 pm »
^ At least your friend makes up an excuse and may genuinely have health issues. Others may say they have to check their calendar before committing.

"I'll see you when I see you and if I don't I won't" leaves a bad taste in my mouth. This is why my advice is to only invite him to large gatherings where his and his family's presence doesn't matter either way.
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DaDancingPsych

Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2020, 03:38:19 pm »
Latching onto the sentiments of my fellow posters, have you ever actually requested a firm response? Don't get me wrong, his favorite saying isn't mine, but I wonder if he even realizes that he's inconveniencing you? I would probably say something like "I need to ensure that I purchase enough food, will you and your family be attending on Saturday?" If the saying surfaces, then I would let him know that I'm going to have to consider that he can't make it. Depending on the relationship, I may even go into "You may not realize, but when you say that it causes XYZ."

But yes, after pleading my case, I think I would need to realize that he's not going to change. Every invitation to him either has to be one where actual numbers don't matter or where I consider him as a positive (and deal with the results of him not attending.) And when neither of those are possible, then he wouldn't make the guest list.

Maybe he's the type that lives life in the moment. He makes no plans and just acts as he feels at that time. I suppose there's a part of me that wishes that she could live like that, but it simply doesn't work for most of us. But to me, it reads more like he's saying "I'll come if nothing better comes along." And that's a rather hurtful way to treat others. If I'm important to you, you will make space in your life for me.
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Mrs Rat

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #7 on: September 26, 2020, 04:34:27 pm »
Hubby works nights and also works on call so it's hard to know if we can go together. I usually say that I won't know if I can make it until the day and will let them know on the day if we can't make it. If it's something that requires notification by a date I will usually give a yes for me or a no for both of us. I recently went to my nieces 21st and as I was arriving hubby called to say his job had been called off so he was coming, we had a great night and my niece was happy he could make it.

Rose Red

Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2020, 05:15:38 pm »
Hubby works nights and also works on call so it's hard to know if we can go together. I usually say that I won't know if I can make it until the day and will let them know on the day if we can't make it. If it's something that requires notification by a date I will usually give a yes for me or a no for both of us. I recently went to my nieces 21st and as I was arriving hubby called to say his job had been called off so he was coming, we had a great night and my niece was happy he could make it.

Explaining your husband's unpredictable work situation is completely understandable. I would even send you home with a plate for him if I was hosting a dinner party.

The OP's relative is rude. He won't even say no. He's holding back with rude and dismissive words in case something better comes along. It's not a good feeling to be told right to your face that you're the last resort.

I wonder how his family feels about him answering for them this way?
« Last Edit: September 26, 2020, 05:21:32 pm by Rose Red »
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gramma dishes

Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2020, 06:47:36 pm »
^ At least your friend makes up an excuse and may genuinely have health issues. Others may say they have to check their calendar before committing.

"I'll see you when I see you and if I don't I won't" leaves a bad taste in my mouth. This is why my advice is to only invite him to large gatherings where his and his family's presence doesn't matter either way.

Why bother inviting them at all.  It's clear that he doesn't want to commit just in case something more appealing to him comes along.   I'd rather just not bother to invite him than worry about whether or not I should be buying and preparing extra food just in case he does decide to show up, especially when he's just as much as told me I'm very low down on the list of people he wants to spend time with.   

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Rose Red

Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2020, 07:16:21 pm »
^ At least your friend makes up an excuse and may genuinely have health issues. Others may say they have to check their calendar before committing.

"I'll see you when I see you and if I don't I won't" leaves a bad taste in my mouth. This is why my advice is to only invite him to large gatherings where his and his family's presence doesn't matter either way.

Why bother inviting them at all.  It's clear that he doesn't want to commit just in case something more appealing to him comes along.   I'd rather just not bother to invite him than worry about whether or not I should be buying and preparing extra food just in case he does decide to show up, especially when he's just as much as told me I'm very low down on the list of people he wants to spend time with.   

Sometimes you just don't want to deal with family politics when it's easier to invite him. If he gets invited to large family gatherings, the OP is above reproach. If he and his family don't show up, it's all on them. I wouldn't say this if he was toxic in addition to being rude and inconsiderate on this one matter.

Of course the OP can stop inviting him altogether since she's the one who knows if she can do that without any fallout, or if she's just sick of him.

I say this because my family always serve enough food for seconds and for guests to take home leftovers so it wouldn't matter if an unexpected guest shows up. Other families may be different.
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TootsNYC

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #11 on: September 26, 2020, 07:31:41 pm »
Depending on the relationship, I may even go into "You may not realize, but when you say that it causes XYZ."


I find that sometimes I am willing to say, "I don't know if you realize it, but that feels very insulting to hear. It hurts my feelings. I get the message that you don't really care about whether you see us or not. Offering my hospitality to you is a gift. I understand that you might not be able to come, or that you might need to check  your family's calendar.
   "But this response of yours is really hurtful. Maybe you aren't aware, but it makes me resent inviting you, which is not the kind of relationship I want to have with you, so I feel I owe it to you to alert you.
    "Feel free to say, 'Let me check the calendar,' but then please do let me know."
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Rho

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #12 on: September 26, 2020, 09:27:59 pm »
I'd rather just not bother to invite him than worry about whether or not I should be buying and preparing extra food just in case he does decide to show up

The extra food is easy for me.  Setting a table with 3,4,5 extra dishes and flatware that will need to be washed later is annoying.  Or  bringing  out folding tables from basement storage so everyone can have a place to sit.
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LifeOnPluto

Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2020, 11:34:40 pm »
If it's a formal occasion, I'd press him for a more definite answer! I might even say "Relative, if I don't get a positive "yes" from you by [insert timeframe of your choice], I'm going to assume you're not coming."

Now, if he still doesn't properly RSVP by your deadline, and rocks up with his family anyway, I'd actually be tempted to turn them away at the door! "Sorry Relative and Family, I actually don't have enough food for you guys - I've only planned for X number of guests because I never heard back from you."

Even for less formal occasions, I think it's fine to speak up about how it's actually quite hurtful for him to imply that he'll only turn up if there's no better offer.

Just out of curiosity, how would he respond if he invited you to something he was hosting, and you told him "I'll see you if I see you, and if I don't, I won't"? Would he be offended, or okay with it?
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Aleko

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #14 on: September 27, 2020, 04:35:00 am »
If I had offered a clear specific invitation (i.e. ‘we’re holding X event at Y time; can you come?’) and got that response, I think I’d just reply ‘I’ll take that as a no, then. Sorry you can’t make it.’ Then if he looked startled and said, ‘I didn’t mean no! I meant I’m not sure if I’m free’ or some such, I’d get him to say when he might be sure, and say ‘Okay, let me know by X date’.

Whether I would actually have enough food and space at table for him to show up unexpectedly is entirely beside the point. If people take the trouble to invite you to something, you owe it to them to answer clearly and not mess them around.
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