Author Topic: How would you respond to this?  (Read 1080 times)

Xainte

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #15 on: September 27, 2020, 11:35:09 am »
If I had offered a clear specific invitation (i.e. were holding X event at Y time; can you come?) and got that response, I think Id just reply Ill take that as a no, then. Sorry you cant make it. Then if he looked startled and said, I didnt mean no! I meant Im not sure if Im free or some such, Id get him to say when he might be sure, and say Okay, let me know by X date.

Whether I would actually have enough food and space at table for him to show up unexpectedly is entirely beside the point. If people take the trouble to invite you to something, you owe it to them to answer clearly and not mess them around.

Completely agree.  I think this turns it back on him a bit.  He's been flippant for so long that this might upset his apple cart a bit....and it should!
Refusal to commit is a pet peeve of mine.  I understand people need to check schedules and can't always commit right away - I'm the same.   But this is rude and smart assed.  I would feel very goaded by a response like that.  I think I would say in an impatient tone "Is it a yes or a no?  If you need to check that's fine but I would like to know so I can plan."  And if you got more of the same I would respond exactly as Aleko did:  "So I'll take it as a no."
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Gellchom

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #16 on: September 27, 2020, 03:04:53 pm »
I feel the same way as everyone else does -- this is rude, and I would hate it.  (I DO hate it, with my own friends who do this).

But it's too easy to say "Just stop inviting him."  The OP obviously has enough of a relationship with this relative and his family that she WANTS to see them.  And this is a relative, so that means it might well affect other relatives who are invited.  For example, suppose he has siblings who are invited; the OP might be putting them in an awkward spot if she cuts him from the list.  Mary Sunshine Rain's post on this point was excellent.

I'm not saying she has to keep inviting him.  I'm just saying that it's not as simple as "Just don't invite him."  Or the OP wouldn't have asked the question -- they'd just have stopped inviting him. 

I like the idea of explaining why it's a problem.  Maybe some people, especially those who don't entertain themselves (we don't know if that is the case here), don't realize how problematic this is for hosts.  I'd probably put it in an email so he doesn't feel defensive and like he has to respond to that on the spot.  He can just send a return email with a firm answer or -- and this is also just fine, in my book -- something like, "We aren't sure of our schedules yet; can we let you know by [date]?"

Lkdrymom

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #17 on: September 27, 2020, 03:20:20 pm »
I'd stop him half way through his usual like and say "Is that a yes or no?"  If he starts up with his line I would again cut him off and say "Ok, I'm taking that as a NO".
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Pandorica

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #18 on: September 27, 2020, 07:09:59 pm »
That's completely annoying.  Personally, I'd stop inviting him to any event that needs a definite head count.  I do like the idea of telling him that his "maybe" is gong to be taken as a no.
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Aleko

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #19 on: September 28, 2020, 02:32:43 am »
Quote
Refusal to commit is a pet peeve of mine.  I understand people need to check schedules and can't always commit right away - I'm the same.

Absolutely. Its totally legit to say Ill check my diary at home and get back to you or I wont have my next months work schedule till Wednesday week - can you wait that long for an answer?. And there are plenty of people like Mr Rat whose work may at any time make unplanned demands on them, so their acceptance of any invitation is always going to be conditional; and thats fine so long as thats made clear to the host.
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jazzgirl205

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #20 on: October 01, 2020, 03:23:11 pm »
I take it that this family member never entertains or helps someone else prepare for guests.  I moved from a region in the US where everyone entertains in their homes to a region where people meet at parks or restaurants and you can know someone for years without having been to their home.  The people who do not entertain make very awkward guests and think nothing of canceling last minute because they "just didn't feel up to it."

lowspark

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #21 on: October 01, 2020, 03:42:29 pm »
Just curious, does he usually show up? Or usually not make it?

His reply is the equivalent of "I'll be there unless something better comes along".

I agree with just not inviting him anymore but I also recognize that there may be reasons why you don't want to do that. You can try to press him for a more definitive reply, but my guess is that if this is his MO, it probably won't work. Also, even if you push him and he then commits, there's the possibility that he'll still come or not according to his whim or other opportunities which pop up. And the possibility that he'll cancel at the last minute, or worse, just not bother to show up. Or even worse, say no, and then show up anyway!

All that to say, probably, there's not a lot you can do to change this guy's behavior. You can either quit inviting him, or just plan around his rudeness.

bopper

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Re: How would you respond to this?
« Reply #22 on: October 14, 2020, 03:26:25 pm »
"I'll take that as a no. "

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