Bad Manners and Brimstone

You have my sympathy.   Hugs. I know people who have adult children who have behaved stupidly or illegally. It's heartbreaking for a parent to see their kid do something stupid, and not be able to do anything about it.

I think you are too worried about being "polite". That doesn't mean that you should be angry in your response, but if someone calls you and has a conversation with you that adds to your pain or discomfort, you have a right to end the conversation. I would use as few words as possible. When you give reasons, you are inviting them to respond or even argue. I would say something simple and direct, such as, "I can't deal with this right now." If they have any concern for you at all, they will understand that the conversation only upsets you, and the next time, they will talk about other things. By the way, there are people who can't resist getting in on the drama and want to know all the gory details. Avoid those people until things settle down.