Author Topic: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act  (Read 3449 times)

Rose Red

Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
« Reply #45 on: January 09, 2020, 09:58:30 am »
Wow.

I think everybody should just ignore Shelly's temper tantrums like one would a toddler. Like a toddler, she may stop if she doesn't get the attention she's craving. If she leave when Bob and Betty arrives, oh well. That's her choice. She's the one missing out on family time.

From experience, it's exhausting trying to constantly reassure people like this that they are loved and needed and their company is desired above all others ::). Stop playing her game. You won't win. She can start acting like a big girl or die mad believing she's a victim.
« Last Edit: January 09, 2020, 10:02:30 am by Rose Red »
Like Like x 1 Agree Agree x 5 View List

Winterlight

Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
« Reply #46 on: January 09, 2020, 11:33:28 am »
I don't think the problem is about Emily, really, it's about Shelly's need to have things her way. She wouldn't be going on the trip, but she's mad she wasn't invited. It's ridiculous.
Agree Agree x 7 View List

lakey

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 462
  • Location: Midwest U.S.
    • View Profile

  • Badges: (View All)
    Fifth year Anniversary Fourth year Anniversary Level 3
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
« Reply #47 on: January 09, 2020, 12:34:08 pm »
Shelly is exhibiting one of those unfortunate behavior patterns that results in the person wanting a certain reaction, but behaving in a way that gets the opposite from what she wants. There are people who crave emotional support and attention, but behave in ways that drive others away. You'll see this with certain children in school. They want to be liked so much that they push way too hard with the result that other children dislike them. In some schools, the school social worker will work with the child on better ways to interact with others.

It's harder to deal with, with an adult because this can be a behavior that they've engaged in for years, with at least some people giving in to their "sensitivity". I think that the best way to deal with this is to ignore it. Pretend not to notice. Don't respond at all. When she sends a passive aggressive "poor me" message, don't respond. There's always the chance she'll get the message.
Agree Agree x 2 View List

Aleko

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2566
  • Location: South-East England
    • View Profile

  • Badges: (View All)
    2500 Posts Fifth year Anniversary Level 4
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
« Reply #48 on: January 10, 2020, 01:13:39 am »
Quote
When she sends a passive aggressive "poor me" message, don't respond. There's always the chance she'll get the message.

And even if she doesn't ever get it, she'll eventually tire of putting all that effort in for no payback.
Like Like x 1 Optimistic Optimistic x 1 View List

Rose Red

Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
« Reply #49 on: January 10, 2020, 08:39:01 am »
We all dislike the phrase "I'm sorry you feel that way" because that's a non-apology and often used incorrectly. However, I think this is the sort of situations this phrase was invented for. Bob and Betty doesn't have anything to apologize for, but they can use if they feel they need to say anything. I still recommend ignoring though unless Shelly stop being PA and actually speak to them directly to their faces like a grownup.
Agree Agree x 2 View List

DaDancingPsych

Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
« Reply #50 on: January 10, 2020, 09:10:23 am »
I think Bob and Betty were taking your advice at first. I mean, Betty knew the PA texts from Shelly were strange and she tried to excuse Shelly's behavior (at least in her own mind), but she's not completely oblivious and probably figured it best to ignore. They did not say anything until they learned that Shelly had been lashing out at Bob's mom (which came to the surface at Thanksgiving.) It's Bob's mom who feeds this behavior. I think she means well and Shelly knows how to push her guilt buttons, but the mother feels that she needs to take action. She has gotten better over the past few months, but she still reactions.

I did hear yesterday that Shelly was still complaining to her mother (probably because she still reacting.) I actually gave her the advice that many of you shared (ignore!) But like I said in the update, I do not think that this is over.
Sad Sad x 2 View List

Chez Miriam

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2056
  • Location: Kent, UK
    • View Profile

  • Badges: (View All)
    Second year Anniversary 1000 Posts One year Anniversary
Re: Sibling Vacation Balancing Act
« Reply #51 on: January 28, 2020, 04:15:53 am »
I think Shelly plays the game "heads I win; tails you lose".

I no longer have any patience for that, and I would be all 'broken record' if I were in Bob/Betty's shoes: "But it was OK when you didn't invite us, wasn't it?  How is this different?  No, seriously, explain how this is different".  Lather, rinse, repeat.

{{Hugs}} to Bob & Betty, and a (somewhat sharp) "Grow up!" to Shelly.

Oh, I am so lucky I don't know these people; the urge to say something is so strong [probably echoes of my own circle's dynamics pushing some of my buttons? :'(]; my low/no-contact 'friend' MaryMary is great at the "If I do it, it's OK; if you do it, it's wrong" game, and I am so not missing our interactions.  A mutual friend asked if there was a problem [later turned out Alice is not speaking with MaryMary either], and I said "I'm just having a holiday from having my head bitten off, being criticised and pulled to pieces, and being judged (as being in the wrong) for every.last.thing."...

Turns out "holidays" are catching!  I hope Bob & Betty manage to let Shelly finish out her sulk in peace without feeling any need to step in and make things 'right'.
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich
Agree Agree x 2 View List