Bad Manners and Brimstone

I’m so sorry. We found with my mother-in-law that it was better to just go along with her. Anything else meant an argument no one could win, and in her case she’d be mad or agitated without ever quite knowing why since she’d forget what was recently said. Being right or setting her right meant everyone ended up upset.

My father is 93 and in assisted living. Sometimes I try and correct him but mostly I just go along with the stories.  For the past year my father has been repeating a story where he met VP Pence and they discussed his service in WWII.  My father did have this conversation but it was back in the 1950s with Harry Truman.  In my father's mind he just had this conversation.  I just go with it now.

My mom came to live in an assisted living facility near where I live four months before she died.  She had dementia and she could say some real off the wall things.  However, I came to a point where I really looked forward to visiting her.  For me, it was the closest I'll ever get to going through a time machine.

When I entered her room, the past became alive.  When I was with her, my grandparents were still alive living in the house she grew up in.  A house I was very familiar with since it was a large part of my childhood.  She could remember things from the past, and remember people, but time was not linear.  At the same time my grandparents were alive and taking care of her younger sister (my aunt) her cousin, who was more like a brother to her, was graduating from medical school, was married living in New York, and had kids, all events that happened years apart.  However, it was almost magical to me, she would tell me she was waiting on my grandfather to come visit, and I would tell her he was there yesterday, but she was asleep and didn't want to bother her, and she would accept that, and it would calm her down.

We could talk about things that happened before I was born as if it happened yesterday.  At times she would be confused as to where she was, and I would tell her to look out the window and say that she was back in her home town where she grew up, she would be overjoyed.  She would tell me she thought she would never see it again.  I just referred to it as living in her world, and we would have wonderful visits.

Also, it ended up giving me a little peace upon her passing.  The last time I saw her, when she was still cognizant, we visited, I played some music for her (Glen Miller Moonlight Serenade) which she loved, and then I got ready to leave.  I told her, as I always did when I was leaving, that I had to go, but would be back later to visit.  In the meantime, her dad was supposed to come by later.  She would always say, "That's wonderful, I'm so glad he's coming" and she would be in a good mood.  Her short term memory was gone, so she would forget it in five minutes, but it gave her some peace and comfort for the moment.

When I left that last time and told her he father would be by in a bit, she looked at me and said, "He's not coming later, he's here now!"  I asked her, "you mean grandpa is here in the room right now?"  And she looked at me and pointed at the end of her bed and said "He's standing right there!"

That's the last thing she ever said to me, when I went to visit her the next night, she was not conscious, and she never came out of it, she died four days later.  I believe my grandfather was there, and he was ready to walk with her as she passed. 

You can't fight it, you can't change it, so try to see if there is anything positive you can take from it.  May peace be with you

My mum is in hospital for radiotherapy right now. She’s 94. I visited her this evening and while it went pretty well her story changed at the end, rather than saying you just said X I just went along with it. She’s done so well to avoid dementia up until now but it seems to be catching up with her. Still we had a chat about the state of the world and we agreed that our premier is doing an excellent job, so she’s reasonably on top of things.

Just go with the flow when talking with them.

I read an essay from a woman who was arguing with her parent who was experiencing dementia. The woman and her husband were members of an improv group and she noticed that her husband was using the improv technique of "yes, and...." with the parent. There was no conflict and he was having interesting and full conversations with parent. She adopted the technique as well and found all her irritability decreased and her tolerance increased.

Personally, I've noticed that people who value what's "true" over the relationship really struggle. I was talking with a relative and gave the improv idea and relative said, "But that's not TRUE! I'd be co-signing lies," and was super dug in on making sure that everything was "right."

Also, it's okay to find it frustrating.

When my grandmother had little short-term memory and was living with my aunt, she found being asked "what are we having for lunch?" every fifteen minutes for an hour or more, every single day, annoying and frustrating. I had trouble not saying "it's chicken soup Grandma, we already told you" and that was as an occasional visitor.

The "yes and" technique, and deciding not to argue if your parent calls you by the wrong name, or thinks you're their father rather than their son, takes energy and attention. We all have lots of years of experience and training at saying "no, my name is Coraline," and remembering to not do that, over and over, and to not tell the truth when asked "where's so-and-so" when the answer is "she just left" or "he died ten years ago," means overriding what you'd do automatically.

My dad had Alzheimer's. 

My mother said the wisest thing (well, she said a lot of wise things about this, and other subjects, but this one is pertinent to your question).

She said it was like talking to someone who is dreaming.  When I started keeping that in mind, it made it really easy to talk to my dad, and in the years after, to talk to anyone with advanced dementia.

I hope that helps you.