Author Topic: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph  (Read 1386 times)

DaDancingPsych

When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« on: August 21, 2022, 02:37:35 pm »
Maybe someone can relate or has advice, as it keeps reoccurring in different ways.

My older sibling has adult children, who are starting families of their own. My younger sibling has elementary aged children. I am unmarried without any children; an active decision that I am happy with.

It was proposed that we should update our family photos. Great idea. There will be time for a large group photo of the entire clan, as well as other photos for individual family units. Again, great idea. However since I don't have my own family unit, I don't need time or any sort of additional photo. I'm perfectly fine with that. But my parents and siblings are NOT ok with that. They seem to think that I need to have an additional photo and are pushing to have me have a photo with all of my niblings. Neither of my siblings are planning or being pushed to do the same; rather they are taking the photo of their family unit. I love my niblings, but they are not my family unit and I hate that this is being pushed out of pity. There's nothing to pity!

Is this something that single people are expected to do and I should just agree to satisfy everyone? Or are my feelings about this valid?

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iolaus

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Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2022, 03:03:14 pm »
I would suggest that as well as the main group you have a family picture done of your parents, you and your siblings together (no next generation or spouses - just the nuclear family from when you grew up) - I do regret we didn't have one done before my fathers death - we have photos of us together but not the 4 of us

That may stop them nagging as you've been in more than 1 photo
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DaDancingPsych

Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2022, 03:43:11 pm »
I would suggest that as well as the main group you have a family picture done of your parents, you and your siblings together (no next generation or spouses - just the nuclear family from when you grew up) - I do regret we didn't have one done before my fathers death - we have photos of us together but not the 4 of us

That may stop them nagging as you've been in more than 1 photo

Thank you for this reminder. Yes, that is a planned photos. I didn't name all of the planned photos, so I will likely be in other ones. It's just this pity photo that is rubbing me the wrong way.

PVZFan

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Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2022, 06:12:12 pm »
I would suggest that as well as the main group you have a family picture done of your parents, you and your siblings together (no next generation or spouses - just the nuclear family from when you grew up) - I do regret we didn't have one done before my fathers death - we have photos of us together but not the 4 of us

That may stop them nagging as you've been in more than 1 photo

Thank you for this reminder. Yes, that is a planned photos. I didn't name all of the planned photos, so I will likely be in other ones. It's just this pity photo that is rubbing me the wrong way.

Can I suggest a different frame on this? Sociologists have a term for the Aunties and Uncles in families who don't have children - sparents. They're the spare parents of the niblings and frequently participate in the lives of the niblings more than an Aunt or Uncle who has children does. Given that, I'm wondering if you've functioned as a sparent and they want to honor, not pity, that?? Just my quick thought on it.

jpcher

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Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2022, 09:07:22 pm »
(I've never heard the term 'niblings' before. I take it that means nieces and nephews?)

Of course your feelings are valid! No one should ever be pressured into something they don't want to do.

"Since I live alone (and, again! I'm perfectly fine with that!) I'd like to be photographed alone. That depicts the true me, the way I'd like to be remembered."

Or (and I'm sorry I don't remember) have a photo with your beloved pet, if you have one. or some other prop that you are known and loved for.


I do like PVZFan's response and am curious as to why you think the family pities you. This is important because I don't want to negate your feelings but calling it a pity photo just seems like there are underlying stories.

Or, depending on the humor side of your family, you could have fun with it. When oldest sibling and family are called, go with them. "I'm part of this family too!" Try to get yourself in every family sitting . . . in a fun way, not being obnoxious about it. Again, that depends on your family humor.

Or just suck it up and comply with the request.

Sometimes making a statement isn't worth the strife it would cause.


To make a remembrance photo about you, I'd go with a prop. "Oh! I always loved Auntie Da's XXX!"

PVZFan

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Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2022, 09:41:43 pm »
Nibling is a nongendered way to refer to ones siblings' children.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2022, 12:07:15 am by PVZFan »

Aleko

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Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #6 on: August 22, 2022, 01:16:06 am »
Of course your feelings are valid! I’m with everyone who says you have your photograph taken accompanied only by your pet(s), if any, and in a setting emblematic of you and your happy single life.

There’s another argument you might make, which is that the photo the family are calling for will confuse the bejasus out of future generations when the pencilling on the back of it has faded: ‘Why is there no record of Great-Great-Great-Aunt DDP’s marriage and children, when her photo shows clearly that she was matriarch of a large family?’

DaDancingPsych

Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #7 on: August 22, 2022, 08:51:50 am »
Yes, niblings = nephews + nieces. I’m actually not a fan of the term, but it does seem to be an efficient way to group these sort of individuals together.

I suppose that my family’s reaction is less described as pity and more of a guilt. They (the main culprit being my mom) think everything needs to be “fair” or equal. I think “fair” in this case would be that everyone gets the photo that they desire. I am not longing for any additional photos beyond what has already been proposed, so I already see it as “fair”. I also was not asked what photos I wanted; just told what would be taken.

I think what bothers me might be the way that it is always proposed to me. If the idea was brought up like PVZFan has said (“You are such an important person in these kiddos lives and we thought it would be nice to have a photo with you and all of them!”), I would have probably gotten misty eyed and started looking for my good side. But that’s not how it’s ever proposed. “Since older sibling is doing their entire family, and younger sibling is doing the same, we’ll do a photo of you and all of your niblings.” And I think part of it is that it feels like they are disregarding my lifestyle. My niblings are important to me, but they are not in my day-to-day life. The “pity” (and maybe that’s not the right word to use) comes from the fact that all other individuals love their family lives; they are the most important thing to them, so they can’t fathom how I could ever be happy without that.

My life is better photographed in other settings. I don’t live the type of life that you can take to a photography studio to capture. So I guess that’s why I’m ok that that is not going to happen. While I don’t have any pets, I do have a collection of… umm… teapots! Maybe that could be my prop.

Also, Aleko, you bring up a super solid point concerning family history. My mom (again, the biggest pusher of the “fair policy”) has been doing a ton of ancestry research, so maybe this will read to that side of her!

TootsNYC

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Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #8 on: August 24, 2022, 11:44:56 am »
Quote
And I think part of it is that it feels like they are disregarding my lifestyle.

This might be the point I'd make.

I have a maiden aunt, and I'm very aware as she ages that we are her only family. But I also respect her independence and the life she has made for herself. She has friends and connections that have power in her life that are nothing to do with any of us.
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DaDancingPsych

Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #9 on: August 24, 2022, 11:59:20 am »
Quote
And I think part of it is that it feels like they are disregarding my lifestyle.

This might be the point I'd make.

I have a maiden aunt, and I'm very aware as she ages that we are her only family. But I also respect her independence and the life she has made for herself. She has friends and connections that have power in her life that are nothing to do with any of us.

She likely really appreciates your understanding of this!

PVZFan

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Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #10 on: August 24, 2022, 12:47:23 pm »
With your update, I'd consider an individual photo that reflects your life/ lifestyle. Maybe posed for afternoon tea with one of your favorite teapots? Or in any other way that speaks to you.

To your mom I'd say that you consider these breakouts as individual lifestyle photos more than separate family photos.
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LifeOnPluto

Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #11 on: August 27, 2022, 12:18:11 am »
With your update, I'd consider an individual photo that reflects your life/ lifestyle. Maybe posed for afternoon tea with one of your favorite teapots? Or in any other way that speaks to you.

To your mom I'd say that you consider these breakouts as individual lifestyle photos more than separate family photos.

Agree with this. I mean, you are a family unit of one, so I'd just get a solo photo taken, in a setting and/or surrounded by things that are emblematic of your day-to-day life.

pjeans

Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #12 on: August 28, 2022, 08:02:47 pm »
I'm curious, does your family expect you to order prints of your own portraits or of you plus kids? I think appeasing them by posing is weird enough, but there's no way I'd put out money for that!

The thought of surrounding my single brother with my kids as props so he wouldn't be left out just sounds horribly awkward for everyone. I hope they come to realize that their efforts to make you happy are really just making them happy.

gellchom

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Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #13 on: August 29, 2022, 07:10:24 am »
You know them and you felt the vibe, so I am not going to argue with your “guilt” (or, earlier, “pity”) read on their motives.   But for what it’s worth, when I read your first post, I was surprised by that.  To me, it just sounded like a super idea.  I was picturing your parents’ wall with a large photo of the whole group surrounded by smaller frames of the other shots, and how I-wish-I’d-thought-of-it cute it would be to have that shot, not that it would look like some fake family unit as a consolation.  Maybe something more like that was what they were thinking, too.

For sure it wouldn’t have occurred to me that they were saying a photo with your niblings are the best representation of your lifestyle.  (I bet at least some of your siblings and their spouses would have the same objection, for that matter.)  Family photos aren’t, in my experience, about trying to represent anyone’s lifestyle anyway.

Anyway, of course you don’t have to do it if it makes you uncomfortable notwithstanding motive.  I like the teapot idea, too, a lot, if you don’t mind packing one up.


DaDancingPsych

Re: When There Is No Family Unit To Photograph
« Reply #14 on: August 29, 2022, 09:46:09 am »
I'm curious, does your family expect you to order prints of your own portraits or of you plus kids? I think appeasing them by posing is weird enough, but there's no way I'd put out money for that!

That's a great question! I am happy to pay for my portion of the photographer's fees. The good news is that my sister has hired a photographer that does not charge for prints. He does no prints at all. He provides the files and the paperwork and you can print as many as you like from whatever company or home printer. I'm not the type with tons of personal photos hanging on the walls, so I am more likely to save the digitals and *maybe* print one of the whole group. I am assuming that I will be able to print my own if I like. But I agree, it would be upsetting for me to have to purchase a photo that I felt that I was being forced to take.

My mom actually did create a photo collage a few years back. She purchased a frame with the right number of photo slots. She asked everyone to provide her a photo of their liking. So, in the middle is a nice photo of my parents. Then each of my siblings has one with their spouse. Their groupings of kids have photos. In my slot, I shared a photo of me on a trip. It was one of those places where they "force" you into a photograph and then charge you a huge amount for the picture. I typically goof off during the picture and don't even look at the prints. However, this location really was about the views and the photo turned out amazing. I blew my trip budget purchasing it!   ;D  But it really was the perfect addition from me for mom's display.