Author Topic: Would you tip someone off about writing a thank-you note?  (Read 877 times)

TootsNYC

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Would you tip someone off about writing a thank-you note?
« on: January 06, 2020, 08:52:13 pm »
While we were arranging to video chat with a cousin on my MIL’s new iPad, my MIL told me that she and FIL were a little offended because they’d sent a card and money to the cousin for her new baby, and also to the cousin’s visiting sister (from overseas), but they hadn’t received a phone call of thanks or a note.

Later, I wondered whether I should alert that cousin to the fact that they’re offended, so she and her sister can do some damage control.

I think the cousin would handle it well; she’s much younger than me, but she’s also relatively sensible and not drama prone.

But I haven’t decided.

(There is another cousin & his wife who never acknowledged a baby gift, and my MIL is offended and has actually scaled back how much she gives them. I don’t think they notice or mind, really. Them, I don’t think I’d say anything to–in part because my info came much later than the offense, and in part because we’re just not that close and I don’t trust their reactions.)

Anyway–thoughts on this? or on similar situations?
Have you have done this sort of behind-the-scenes information brokering?

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Aleko

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This is a tricky one, isn't it? So many individual factors play into it.

One is: do you have the impression that MIL told you this hoping, or even intending, that you would drop a hint to cousin as a result? I can totally see that you don't want to take it on yourself to act as the family busybody; but if MIL is counting on you to put in a tactful word that would produce a charming thank-you to which MIL could beam fondly and say 'it's nothing dear, I'm just so happy to be able to... etc', so that everything would be sweet again, then perhaps you should.

My first instinct would be to sit on my hands, but that's because my in father's family nobody ever remonstrated directly with anyone else when they were upset about their behaviour, but everyone made it their business to bustle around taking relatives aside and saying 'I think you should know that MIL is very upset about your doing / not doing X' - sometimes when they didn't even know for sure that MIL was upset, only that they figured she would be. My father hated this and threw himself gratefully into the bosom of my mother's family, Quakers who won't hesitate to tell you exactly where your behaviour is faulty, in a helpful spirit. We like it, even though it can bruise, because we know exactly where we stand with each other. But to people who don't operate in the same way, and who would stew for decades and even cut people out of their wills without ever telling them how much upset their behaviour had caused, one of our mild just-setting-you-straight remarks can come across as a crushing condemnation.
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kckgirl

Aleko, as I was sitting here wondering why someone would dislike your post, I then saw in red letters that it was me, and apparently there's no way to remove it. No more touching the mouse while I'm reading. I apologize.
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otterwoman

The tactic I used when a sent gift was unacknowledged was to ask the recipient if the gift ever arrived. It gave the person the chance to give a fake apology about forgetting the thank you note. They got the point. For that particular person, I did drop them from my gift list.

As to whether to pass along the info of your MIL being upset, does her family use the 'telephone game' method of passing info? Mine does. So, if my mom is annoyed with her sister (my aunt), she doesn't say anything to aunt, mom complains to me. I then find a tactful way to tell aunt what's bugging mom. I was raised with that method. If your MIL does that, then she might be hoping you'll pass the message along. If that's not her style, then she was just bitching. You can suggest she just ask them if the card arrived.
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bopper

As this is your MIL, if the cousin is on your DH's side I would have your DH be the one to do this or not to do this.
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Hmmm

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If you have a generally good relationship, I might say "MIL mentioned she hadn't yet received a thank you note for the baby gift. I know she is always concerned about gifts getting lost in mail."  If cousin says that she called and thanked MIL for the gift you can then say "Oh, maybe she mentioned it because she was expecting a written thank you. She's a stickler for that. Don't mention to her that I said anything. " Cousin has all the info she needs and can decide if she wants send a written thank you.
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TootsNYC

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As this is your MIL, if the cousin is on your DH's side I would have your DH be the one to do this or not to do this.

As a "girl," I actually have a closer friendship with the cousin in question than my DH does. I sent her a nursing pillow (and when the order got messed up, we texted back and forth), and I sent her my document of nursing tips, etc.

Also, I think I'm more skilled at explaining the problem without making it seem like a huge crisis (but rather a tactical situation).

I'm not a big fan of the "you handle your family" as a RULE. I think it can be valuable, but it doesn't always work.
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NyaChan

I think this is one of those situations that depends greatly on closeness.  If you aren’t close, it can feel like people were talking about you or you are being called out rather than a friend giving you a heads up.  If it’s not someone I speak to regularly and casually, I wouldn’t say anything as their relationship with the giver is not my business and likely closer than my relationship to the person who didn’t send a note.
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Runningstar

I've learned the hard way (and it took way too many times!) to just keep silent.  Unless you are my actual child, or maybe husband, I just bite my tongue. 
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oogyda

I've learned the hard way (and it took way too many times!) to just keep silent.  Unless you are my actual child, or maybe husband, I just bite my tongue.

I saw that and can't believe someone already posted my thoughts. 

Nope.  Just don't.  No matter how well intentioned you may be...…….just butt out.
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Star Wars Fan

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If I knew for sure it wouldn't cause too much drama yes I would drop a hint to somebody that they should send a thank you for a gift given or a favor done or whatever.

Ed.
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Dazi

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While it's appropriate for cousin to send a thank you card or at least call and say thank you, she is a new mom. I think we sometimes need to make allowances and "new Mommy brain" is one of them.
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Chez Miriam

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While it's appropriate for cousin to send a thank you card or at least call and say thank you, she is a new mom. I think we sometimes need to make allowances and "new Mommy brain" is one of them.

True, but sometimes the making allowances might be to remind the new mum that she'd garner fewer odd looks if she changed out of her stained nightdress and brushed her hair before leaving the house...

Could this be one of those instances where she might be delighted to be gently reminded that she ordinarily is prompt with her "thank yous" and that MIL is taking offence - heading off that the pass any deterioration of their relationship?

NewMum then might remember to nudge NewDad to get some photo Thank You cards printed up and sent out?

I wouldn't like to say either way what I would do - I know one new mum who would have been mortified to have forgotten, and one who would have bitten anyone's head off for suggesting that she should show any gratitude.  Without knowing the personalities, I would err on the side of caution, like the "once bitten, twice shy" posters above!
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich
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TootsNYC

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While it's appropriate for cousin to send a thank you card or at least call and say thank you, she is a new mom. I think we sometimes need to make allowances and "new Mommy brain" is one of them.

Well, there was also a gift to her sister, who is not a new mom and who also didn't thank my MIL and FIL.

I think my MIL and FIL, who have been very generous with their family (they are the ones who left the old country and "made it"), and are starting to think that perhaps they're being taken for granted.
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Jayhawk

I've learned the hard way (and it took way too many times!) to just keep silent.  Unless you are my actual child, or maybe husband, I just bite my tongue.

I saw that and can't believe someone already posted my thoughts. 

Nope.  Just don't.  No matter how well intentioned you may be...…….just butt out.

Yeah - I've learned the same lesson. everyone gets mad at the message-bearer.
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