Bad Manners and Brimstone

So - I have a dilemma as to where to go for Christmas lunch.

My extended family always gets together for Christmas lunch, with each family unit taking turns to host. Lunch is always very traditional - turkey, roast potatoes, vegetables, followed by pudding and trifle, etc. Everyone brings a dish, but the hosts always do the main dish, which is the turkey.

This year, my cousin "Will" and his new wife "Cathy" volunteered to host (they've recently bought a new house). However, when they sent around the email invitation, they invited everyone for "Christmas Brunch", and announced that they'd be serving scrambled eggs, mushrooms and French Toast!

This upset my rather "prim and proper" elderly mother (who loves her traditional Christmas lunch). She decided to have her own Christmas lunch, and has already invited her next door neighbour (a widower of 80), and a couple of friends of my late father's (in their late 70s). (Note, she planned to attend Will and Cathy's brunch, then go home and host this lunch).

Now Will and Cathy have changed their invitation to Christmas lunch, with the traditional fare. (I suspect their "brunch" idea met with some push-back from some of my other relatives). So now there are two Christmas lunches - the larger one with my extended family, hosted by Will and Cathy, and the smaller one hosted by my mum, with the elderly neighbour and father's friends.

At this point, I should note that I live interstate, and don't get to see my mum that often. We have never spent a Christmas apart (yet). Further, my dad died a couple of years ago, which has been tough for her. I also know she misses me very much too, living on the other side of the country, etc. I am still coming home for a week's visit over Christmas, but now I'm faced with the dilemma of where to have Christmas lunch.

Truth be told, I would much rather go to Will and Cathy's place. All my cousins will be there (people my age!), and it'll be way more fun. My mum's lunch will be much more... dull, to be honest. Nothing against her guests, but they are all much older than me and I have very little in common with them. But... I know my mum would be sad and upset that I'm not with her for Christmas lunch.

This is something I just have to suck up, right? Do the kind thing, and attend my mum's lunch, even though I suspect it will be tedious? Brimstoners, talk some sense into me!

Honestly, I would go to cousins for lunch. Did you decline or accept either invitation?

If I'm reading this right, your mother's lunch will be four people, all of whom are in their 70s or 80s, and you.

Can your mother change her mind about hosting and ask Will and Cathy if she can bring those three extras to the family lunch? It's only three extra people, right?

I think I would go to Will and Cathy's and either see my mother in the morning before lunch or go over after lunch. I know that's not the answer you're looking for... but the lunch at your mother's doesn't sound like you're going to have much fun. I would hope your mother would understand that you want to spend Christmas with people your own age, especially if you can see her at another time of the day.

Mom's for lunch. Will and Cathy's for dessert.

Are you staying with your mom?  I would talk to her. Explain that you'd love a chance to see your extended family so you are going to go to Will and Cathy's for lunch. That way you'll get to see everyone.

Thanks all. I was expecting more responses to be along the lines of "It's your mother! Of course you have to attend her lunch!" etc.

To answer some questions, yes, I will be staying with my mum during the week I am home. And yes, her lunch is intended to be at lunchtime (eg around 1pm).

Will and Cathy live a 20 minute drive away, so I think I will try and do the two-lunch thing. One course at Mum's, and one course at Will and Cathy's place.

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It would appear Mom is more interested in the food being served at the family gathering than spending time with the family.

I don't think that's entirely fair. Many people feel that the ceremonial / ritual aspect of Christmas Dinner is important, often to the extent of getting hung up on quite minor details ("How can you have Christmas dinner without Brussels sprouts?" "It's not Christmas dinner unless you pull crackers and WEAR the paper hats!"). If Mom is one of them, it's possible that she really feels that the cousins are, essentially, sweeping Christmas under the carpet and hosting a housewarming instead.

The timing is important too. The brunch could have started around 9 or 10am and mom *did" graciously accept the invitation to be there with the family and planned lunch with her neighbors around 1 or 2pm, or later. Now that Cathy and Will changed to a traditional lunch (due to pressure?) both events are now the same time.

Notice how there was no conflict for the OP until Cathy and Will changed their invitation. It wasn't mom who changed anything. In fact, I applaud her for not cancelling on her neighbors so she can attend the big fun family event. Sounds like mom *does* care about people.

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Can your mother change her mind about hosting and ask Will and Cathy if she can bring those three extras to the family lunch? It's only three extra people, right?

Except it's not only 'three extra people'; it's three elderly total strangers. Some hosts and families may have the 'more the merrier, come one come all' attitude to absorb that imposed addition to a family gathering, but many others just don't roll that way.

Not to mention that of course LoP's mother's friends may well be as prim, proper and traditionalist in their outlook as LoP's mother herself, and just as uneasy with Will and Cathy's style of hosting as she is.

I agree, I think that’s too much to ask.  I’d suggest that Mom change her timing and invite them for another time.