Author Topic: Competing Christmas lunches! Which to attend?  (Read 2174 times)

lowspark

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Re: Competing Christmas lunches! Which to attend?
« Reply #60 on: December 09, 2019, 01:19:06 pm »
Earlier this year, she offered to host the Christmas lunch, but Will and Cathy insisted they were happy to host instead.

There have also been some other sensitivities during this year as well. As more of my cousins get married and have children, the extended family grows, and becomes a bit more fragmented, as each unit splits off and does their own thing more often. It's hard for my mum, as my sibling and I both live interstate, and neither of us have children - and she is still a relatively new-ish widow. I know there's been at least one other holiday (eg Easter) where - in previous years - the extended family would all get together for a BBQ. This year, each family unit just kind of did their own thing on that holiday, with their own kids and grand-kids, and she wasn't invited to anyone's event. She said to me on the phone: "When you're a single woman of a certain age, no one wants you. Everyone is occupied with their children, children-in-law, and grandchildren. They see you as an inconvenience." Which is sad, and makes me feel like I really should be attending her Christmas lunch!

The first line above, this is what put me on the side of "bait and switch". They offered to host The Christmas Lunch. And I capitalize that because it's clear from the OP's posts that The Christmas Lunch has a specific meaning.

Then they went and switched it to a brunch. Not cool. I get that there might be issues with their child's schedule, but then, don't offer to host if you can't deliver as promised.

All water under the bridge now, though, huh? Because the OP still has a decision to make.

Regarding the other part of the paragraph that I quoted above, I wonder if the other family units realize that your mother has nowhere to go on holidays now. It might just not have hit their radar! Maybe if they knew, they'd all be happy to include her. Is there any way that you can drop a hint to one or more of them who might be receptive, just to sort of keep an eye out for your mom whenever a holiday comes around, since you aren't nearby, and make sure she gets invited to a family event?

Lowspark, I'm usually aligned with you, but...

To me there is a difference in them offering to host the family on Christmas Day and their offering to host the family for traditional Christmas lunch. I could see the next generation in my family wanting to host and mix it up a bit from what been the family norm.

For example, Xmas Eve in our family is usually going to service and then every one coming over for a "tamale" centric light dinner. Last year, my nephew bought a new home and he and his wife wanted to host Xmas Eve. We readily agreed. Everyone assumed it would be a similar event but instead they decided to do an early 5pm dinner with full on Prime Rib dinner. Because of that, we ended up switching up our Xmas Day meal, had to switch to 11pm Xmas Eve service, and a whole bunch of other changes. In my opinion, they were not "wrong" to request to host and then switch up the norm. They were the hosts.

I'll venture to say that neither of us is 100% right or 100% wrong. So much of this is dependent on the family dynamics specific to this family. I can see the switch up going over wonderfully in one family and falling like a lead balloon in another one. So maybe it's a "know your audience" kind of thing.

In this case, it appears to not have gone over well since they did, indeed, change it back after all.

The issue here for me, though, is that they "insisted" on hosting, overruling OP's mother's offer. And that is where I see the ultimate fail. If they are going to insist, then they at least have to present their plan change at the time. Or maybe just present it as an idea as opposed to a fait acompli. "Hey everyone, we're hosting and want to do a brunch instead of lunch... what do y'all think?" is better than "We insist on hosting and we're also changing it up."

Or what STiG said while I was typing.

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L

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Re: Competing Christmas lunches! Which to attend?
« Reply #61 on: December 09, 2019, 06:31:37 pm »
This thread has brought home to me something that hadn't occurred to me at all:  In terms of holidays, I had it easy as a widow.

It's been yearly 5 years since LDH died. In terms of holidays, what made it so much easier for me was that we were not social after his parents died and were not hosting.  We never were, and got less so as his health deteriorated.  So, my social calendar didn't alter with his death.  If anything, it got better, because the family members he refused to speak to after his mother and father died, who are the geographically local to us members, I started interacting with them again.  I had always gotten along with them, and now there was no drama in seeing them, so I do.  The family members he did speak to are the ones that live 600 miles away, and I can't afford to go visiting them, and they don't come up here at all anymore.

I remember my grandmother having issues after my grandfather died, and the ladies of their dance club somewhat snubbed her, as they were apparently all afraid she'd poach their husbands or sweethearts.  I don't have that issue, because I don't go out with friends very often at all, and we didn't do that as a couple either.  So no change.

So thank you to the OP for helping me see one way that I have it a lot better than some.  I'm a widow, I'm a bit lonely and bored, but I don't in any way feel snubbed.  And that is a blessing! 
Mother, cat servant, frustrated gardener
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