Author Topic: Late dinner, impatient guest  (Read 4464 times)

Raintree

Late dinner, impatient guest
« on: December 27, 2018, 12:54:41 am »
I made the Christmas dinner this year, not at my place but at my mother's. My sister and BIL were there from out of town (about 2 hours away). BIL has a long history of being a control freak and rather PA about it. I've never been the one cooking for him before; usually if I spend it with them, it's been at their place and my sister does most of the work and panders to his wishes about when to eat. It's well known in our family that he likes to eat at 6 and he will claim he "can't" eat any later or he gets really ill.

So when we all meet at a restaurant for dinner, the reservation has to be at 6 PM or even earlier to make sure he eats by 6. To me this means I must cut whatever I'm doing short to meet that deadline for dinner. I've certainly used the "I'm afraid that won't be possible" line before and managed to get the deadline extended to 6:30, but in that case he's usually already ordered an appetizer and begun eating by the time everyone else arrives.

I might add that every single time we all get together I've had to rearrange my schedule, often at great inconvenience, to suit his whims, and I've put up with it in order to keep the peace with my sister, who bends over backwards to pander to him. It's been going on for years, and I've given up other things I wanted to be doing to make our schedules work (ie meet his demands so I can see my sister).

That was the background, and now the current topic: Christmas. As I mentioned I was doing the meal this time, including the shopping. I told my mother ahead of time that I sure as heck wasn't going to have it ready by 6, and my mother agreed, oh hell no, she hates eating at 6.

Two days before Christmas my sister emails me to ask if we can have dinner ready by 6, because BIL likes to eat early. I replied that I "couldn't eat that early", and our mother didn't want to either, but I'd be sure to time it for 7 and there would be snacks for anyone who couldn't last that long. Plus, as I was also doing all the shopping and prep, AND working right up to and including Christmas Eve, I wanted a brief respite on Christmas Day of maybe an hour or two to go for a walk rather than race up right after lunch to prepare dinner. She replied and said 7 was fine, and that they were looking forward to it.

I can't even tell you how much effort I put into shopping, selecting excellent ingredients, advance prep, making things from scratch for lunch and dinner and dessert. Not for him, but because I love doing it and making a fabulous meal. And I love turkey dinners and wanted it to be extra good. Especially since it would be the last one in my mother's place before she sells it and goes to a senior's home. I was pretty tired by Christmas Day and glad for that brief period of rest in the afternoon before starting to cook again.

Well I honestly tried, and I didn't do this on purpose, but there was a timing error with the turkey. I thought it would be cooked by 6:30 and we could take it out and do the gravy, etc., and carve and then eat at 7. But by that time the turkey didn't look remotely cooked and the thermometer confirmed that it was still going to be quite a while. BIL said rather pointedly, "I'm starving." And then kept stating how hungry he was, over and over, and how tired, and how he'd been so exhausted all day (while doing nothing) and that it was nearly his bed time. At one point I said out loud, "Hmm, everyone else seems to be managing OK." Then he said he had been just teasing us and didn't mind what time we had dinner. Then made more "jokes" about going to the local fast food outlet to pick up some dinner. I told him "jokingly" that he should go right ahead, and also "joked" that we could set up a children's table for him next year with some hot dogs and other easy to eat food. He laughed. Normally I'd have silently rolled my eyes and not "joked" like that but I have to say, having catered to his schedule for many years I was just done. Also, there were plenty of crackers and cheese out.

It reached the proper temperature by 7:30 and I wasn't cutting that beautiful turkey until it has rested 15 minutes (every good cook knows that meat needs to rest before carving, to preserve the juices). All that care and precision, not going to sabotage it by cutting it too soon. Besides, my sister and I were using that time to put the sides on the table which had been keeping warm in the oven, make gravy etc. Now he was jumping up and down, "starving" and grabbed a plate and said, "I'm going to have some of those mashed potatoes while I wait." He proceeded to take some potatoes and some of the stuffing and eat it while we were still in the kitchen scrambling to get dinner served.

We were all sat down to eat by 7:45 PM and the dinner was really, really good, and it was finally time for me to get some enjoyment out of it. He took a really small portion because he'd already had some mashed potatoes, finished really quickly, and then went on about how exhausted he was and that he'd need to get going soon because he wanted to get to bed. (Note, he is not sick, but as long as I've known him he's been "exhausted" from the get-go no matter what time of day).  The rest of us were still eating. I had seconds. He sat there waiting acting patient but I felt I was being rushed through a meal I had worked very hard to prepare with a lot of care to make it extra good. Not once did he say anything like, "Oh, this is really good."

Main course ended and we went into the kitchen to get the dessert out. I know he wanted some dessert otherwise perhaps he would have left at that point, but when it was dished up he stated he had to take it to eat on the living room chair, because he was so tired.

Dessert was gobbled quickly and my mother went into the kitchen to rinse out a couple of items; by the time she came back, and this was within about 2 minutes of finishing dessert, he stood up and announced he needed to leave. Which meant my sister did too, even though I know she would have stayed on a bit.

And they left shortly after 8:30 PM with not a word of thanks from him for the dinner.

My mother was furious. I was furious. I didn't go to all that effort for accolades or to have anyone fall all over themselves thanking me; I did it because I enjoy it and also to make the dinner extra good for the last one in that home. But some kind of acknowlegement of my effort would be nice instead of moaning and complaining, grabbing food from the table before anyone else had sat down, and dashing off as soon as the last forkful was eaten. Or at least, you know, allow me to enjoy eating mine now that I was finally able to sit?

I had previously expressed to a friend that I was sure BIL would find a PA way to express his displeasure at not being served at the time he wanted (6 PM). Am I right in thinking that this is exactly what happened? Also, was it horribly awful of me to keep people waiting till 7:45? Like I said, I didn't do it on purpose; I followed all instructions for timing and it turned out to be wrong. I've been at plenty of dinners in people's homes where this sort of thing has happened, and never been in the presence of anyone who complained about it. It's just one of those things you suck up and make the best of it. I've also been at lots of dinners where the meal was served at 8 or 9 or even later. I'm just grateful for the hospitality and good food when it does get served.

Just wondering now if I should just straight up tell him I am angry with him or whether it was really rude of me to keep people waiting till 7:45 to eat. If that's the case I will just keep my mouth shut. Certainly not cooking for him again.
« Last Edit: December 27, 2018, 01:00:18 am by Raintree »

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Aleko

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Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #1 on: December 27, 2018, 05:30:07 am »
Of course you weren't rude. Cooking accidents do happen, as you yourself say. When this happened in other people's houses, did you consider your hosts rude? Of course you didn't.

I think you handled BIL very well. If you can ever bring yourself to invite him to a meal again, I'd say just do the same. Or possibly just a touch less tolerantly. He really was behaving like a small child - grown-up people, or even well-brought-up older children, don't whine repeatedly about being hungry or tired when you're obviously doing the best you can to get a meal. You could justifiably respond as to a small child: "Yes, BIL dear, I heard you the first time. Big sis is cooking as fast as she can. Why don't you eat a nice piece of cheese if you're so hungry?" And if pushed, why not put out a kiddie table with some hot dogs, as you suggested? If he's that much of a man-child - and has so little dignity - he might be perfectly happy.

But you absolutely shouldn't stress about his not giving you any thanks or compliments for the meal. Have you ever heard him giving your over-indulgent sister any for the effort she puts into pandering to his whims? I doubt it. If you don't expect anything from a pig but a grunt, you'll find dealing with it a lot less stressful.
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Lkdrymom

Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #2 on: December 27, 2018, 06:03:36 am »
Turkey is notoriously difficult to time.  I had an issue with my father and grandmother for family gatherings. As soon as we would start setting out food they would be filling their plates and shoveling it into their mouth. When I called them out on not waiting for everyone they proclaimed they were hungry like a child would. I pointed out we all were hungry.  The following year the LAST thing I put on the table was the silverware. Worked perfectly.
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DaDancingPsych

Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #3 on: December 27, 2018, 08:11:59 am »
What do you anticipate the results of you expressing your anger to be? If he is the sort of person to listen and take your feelings to heart, it might be worth your time. However, I have a sneaky feeling, that he won't. I see him making excuses. "I was joking. Can't you take a joke?" "Everyone knows I must eat at 6pm or I get ill." "You are being way too sensitive." I suspect that his reaction will only anger you more. I think you need to remember that you cannot control his behavior. It sounds like you want to see your sister, so you are going to have to deal with his behavior (at least during major holidays. Maybe at other times there are ways to see your sister without him or without a meal.) Serving dinner at 6pm might cut down on the whining (although I do not think it will bring more appreciation from him), but you need to decide if that adjustment is worth it to YOU and others. Certainly some coping mechanisms (as suggested by others) may be helpful. But I think the most useful thing to me is to not kid myself that someone like this will suddenly behave differently. I anticipate the behavior and let it roll off me to the best of my ability.
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Hanna

Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #4 on: December 27, 2018, 09:00:37 am »
 I would suggest to his mommy wife that he take a nap and have a snack earlier in the day whenever we were getting together.
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Chez Miriam

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Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #5 on: December 27, 2018, 09:10:40 am »
I would suggest to his mommy wife that he take a nap and have a snack earlier in the day whenever we were getting together.

^ This is spot on - handles the 'must eat early' and the tiredness, and would give everyone else a break from what sounded like incessant whingeing.

I'm sorry your efforts were 'pearls before swine'. :'(
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich
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Jem

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Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #6 on: December 27, 2018, 09:58:05 am »
If this ever comes up again I would in fact put out simple food for him. Some people really don’t care about food presentation and would rather eat a hot dog at six than socialize and eat fabulous fare at 7:45. Let him make his choice and encourage him to shut up about it.
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Bada

Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #7 on: December 27, 2018, 10:46:38 am »
If this ever comes up again I would in fact put out simple food for him. Some people really don’t care about food presentation and would rather eat a hot dog at six than socialize and eat fabulous fare at 7:45. Let him make his choice and encourage him to shut up about it.

But then, my fear is, since he had already eaten, would he scream for dessert and then force his wife to leave early since he was tired?

Has he ever been diagnosed with a medical condition? It's not normal to be complaining about how tired you are all the time.

What time do people usually eat where you are?  I know 7:45 would be quite late for America, but very reasonable for Italy.
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Dazi

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Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #8 on: December 27, 2018, 11:21:31 am »
There are some people who simple can't eat close to 2 hours after their normal meal time. I am one of them. Granted, I don't whine about it. Much.  ::) However, I do have to keep snacks on me because I will get tired, cranky, hangry, and a terrible migraine if I don't eat on time...there's also a good chance my blood sugar will get too low and I am NOT diabetic. Trust me when I say, you would not want to deal with me when I am like this and I am normally a very wonderful person.

I think if you are planning a meal with someone who you know is like this, it is kind to at least have some hefty/hearty appetizers to tide them over.

Also, you don't know everything about your BIL. HE very well may have a medical condition you don't know about...or HE doesn't know about. Not everyone gets a proper medical diagnosis on things. Sometimes it can take years to get a medical diagnosis even though you've had every symptom imaginable! So try not to judge to harshly. There are at least 4 medical issues I can think of off the top of my head that could cause the things you've described about him.
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Raintree

Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #9 on: December 27, 2018, 12:27:15 pm »
He has not been diagnosed with a medical condition that I know of. He has, however, gone on about "I'm so exhausted, I'm so tired" whenever he gets bored, but somehow finds the energy for the things HE is interested in and has a full time career he works hard at.

I've met diabetics and people with other medical conditions that were far more flexible than he is, because they do just that - they know what their needs are and they plan for it by having snacks on hand, or timing their earlier meals accordingly. I think he is just a whiner.

One time at their house there was a similar problem with the turkey (someone accidentally turned off the oven) and he made a huge production out of it, trying to guilt the guest who had turned it off by mistake, and saying, "Oh I can't eat that late. I'll have to have some rice and beans." There were SO many appetizers out and everyone else shrugged and said it was fine because we could nibble on those. I think he indicated he couldn't eat appetizers (veggies, dip, cheese, crackers, bread, hummus, etc) because he needed the actual meal at 6, so he then made sure everyone noticed he was making/eating rice and beans at 6 because he wasn't going to be able to partake in the big meal now. And then he did partake in the big meal as well.

That incident a few years back made me want to serve at 7 instead even more. Sorry if that sounds mean but please know it's not the ONLY reason. It was also because NOBODY else likes eating at 6, and because it would mean no break to enjoy the day, so I made a decision that he was not going to dictate a 6 PM deadline this time when he wasn't the one cooking it.
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Raintree

Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #10 on: December 27, 2018, 12:44:07 pm »
What time do people usually eat where you are?  I know 7:45 would be quite late for America, but very reasonable for Italy.

Good question; I had to google that as it does vary widely. I don't know a lot of people that eat at 6 unless it's a family with kids and a lot of extracurricular activities, ie eating a quick supper at 6 before heading out to dance lessons or something.

I'd say most people maybe 6:30 - 7 on a weeknight. I frequently eat at 9 or 10 because as a single person it takes me that long to get home, including stops en route for groceries and checking in on an elderly parent, and make the meal once I am home. Unlike him, no spouse getting all that done for me. I wouldn't inflict 9 or 10PM mealtimes on other people though.

I'd say at a sit-down meal with friends at someone's home, rarely would that be served much before 7, and anything from 7 to 8 would be the norm. After 8 would be considered late but nobody would gripe about it.

Aleko

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Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #11 on: December 27, 2018, 12:53:13 pm »
Quote
There are some people who simple can't eat close to 2 hours after their normal meal time. I am one of them. Granted, I don't whine about it. Much.  ::) However, I do have to keep snacks on me because I will get tired, cranky, hangry, and a terrible migraine if I don't eat on time...there's also a good chance my blood sugar will get too low and I am NOT diabetic. Trust me when I say, you would not want to deal with me when I am like this and I am normally a very wonderful person.

I think if you are planning a meal with someone who you know is like this, it is kind to at least have some hefty/hearty appetizers to tide them over.

- which Raintree had done.

Quote
Also, you don't know everything about your BIL. HE very well may have a medical condition you don't know about...or HE doesn't know about. Not everyone gets a proper medical diagnosis on things. Sometimes it can take years to get a medical diagnosis even though you've had every symptom imaginable! So try not to judge to harshly. There are at least 4 medical issues I can think of off the top of my head that could cause the things you've described about him.

Very true. But none of that would justify rude, selfish, childish behaviour such as Raintree describes. It's a bummer to have physical limitations of this kind, whatever their cause: but grown-up people who have them take ownership of the issue and (a) take what precautions they can, such as catching a nap beforehand and coming supplied with snacks or dextrose; and (b) if caught out, as in the case of a meal unexpectedly being 45 minutes late, they ask nicely and apologetically 'I'm afraid my system simply cannot wait that long - have you anything you can possibly give me to snack on in the meantime?'
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Raintree

Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #12 on: December 27, 2018, 01:03:54 pm »
He did in fact catch a nap beforehand, or, well, had a chance to (not sure what he actually did). They were staying in a hotel nearby and in the afternoon after stating all morning how tired he was (the usual for him) he stated he had to go back there and lie down for a bit. That was fine with me and I don't have an issue with that. But when he came back and was going on about being exhausted while eating dessert in the chair (and not at the table), I did at one point say with surprise, "But you had a nap this afternoon!!" (Because nobody else did, and nobody else, not even my mother who is nearly 90 and has just beat cancer, was complaining of being tired). He then stated that he hadn't slept while he was back at the hotel. My theory is that he hadn't actually needed to lie down, but to get away from all of us for a spell. Again, I'm fine with that too - I am an introvert and also need to get away from people. I find Christmas exhausting and in the days following, always enjoy some down time. But don't go away for your down time and then come back to people who didn't have that, and start complaining how tired you are.

Kiwipinball

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Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #13 on: December 27, 2018, 01:27:52 pm »
OP wasn't rude - cooking mistakes happen. As others have said, 45 minutes past the set time is late enough to make sure to have other food out (compared to 5 minutes) which OP did. If I was told I'd be eating at 7, I'd have trouble making it to 7:45, but would be happy enough to snack. It may well fill me up to much to eat the main course, which is unfortunate, but I get bad shakes if I get too hungry.  So BIL is obnoxious and PA and OP was fine.

If someone regularly had food ready 45 minutes after the promised time (and some people do), I'd eat most of my meal before going. I'd be curious to know what time BIL's bedtime is when he's at home. My sister prefers to be in bed at 8:30 if it's at all possible. She doesn't get whiny about it or anything, but that's her preferred bedtime. So if dinner was served at 7:45, she'd also be getting very tired. My mom doesn't go to bed quite so early, but also prefers 9-9:30 if possible. Both of them get up on the early side (my mom very early) and need their sleep. So it may not be that BIL is overly tired compared to others, he just has an earlier schedule. I am not tired at 10 PM, but my mom and sister are (if still awake). But my mom is awake and not tired at 6 AM, while I'm ideally still asleep. So some of it might be mismatched schedules. None of that excuses BIL's behavior, of course.
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TootsNYC

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Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
« Reply #14 on: December 27, 2018, 01:46:28 pm »
Quote
he will claim he "can't" eat any later or he gets really ill.


So basically you don't believe him? You think he's just saying this because he likes to be in control, or it's all in his head?

I have been diagnosed w/ acid reflux, as has my husband, and one thing we're finding is that if we eat too late, there will still be food in our stomachs when we go to bed, and we have problems because that valve at the top of the stomach won't hold, and stomach acid will go up into the esophagus.

That causes a cough, and a risk of esophageal cancer. And in some other people it causes heartburn or other symptoms.

So....
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