Author Topic: Young adult spending Christmas with friends rather than family?  (Read 3315 times)

LifeOnPluto

Young adult spending Christmas with friends rather than family?
« on: December 31, 2018, 11:33:59 pm »
This is all "after the fact", as I didn't get a chance to post it before Christmas, but I'm curious to see what you think of it.

My co-worker "John" has an 18 year old daughter ("Jessica"). Jessica still lives at home, and has just finished her first year of university. She also has a boyfriend who she met at uni - her first serious relationship. Jessica does not contribute to the mortgage or household bills, but does some chores and pays for her own stuff like phone, petrol, textbooks, etc.

For reasons I won't go into, John, his wife and kids (Jessica and her younger brother) do not visit with relatives on Christmas Day. Instead, their celebrations are fairly intimate and low key. Church in the morning, then home to exchange gifts. Lunch is cold roast meats and salad, followed by trifle. In the afternoon they watch a movie together or play a board game. Then in the evening they might go for a walk around the neighbourhood to see the Christmas lights.

However, a few weeks before Christmas 2018, Jessica announced her intention to spend Christmas Day with her friends from uni and her boyfriend - they all had plans to rent a holiday house by the beach and spend a week or so there. (Note, it's summer in Australia now, so definitely beach weather!).

John was pretty upset and hurt over this. To be clear, he had no objection to Jessica spending time at the beach with her friends, but felt she should do this either before or after Christmas - and that Christmas Day should be reserved for family. He asked what everyone thought.

The office was fairly divided over this. Some co-workers sided with John, and thought that Jessica was being rather rude and ungrateful to ditch her family on Christmas Day to hang with her mates and boyfriend of less than a year. One or two people even suggested that as Jessica is still largely dependent on her parents, she needs to basically do as she's told, and spend Christmas Day with her family.

Other people took the view: "Sorry John, but at age 18, Christmas at the beach with your friends and boyfriend is infinitely more fun than spending it with Mummy, Daddy, and Little Brother in suburbia. She's only young once. Let her go, etc".

What do you all think? Was Jessica rude? What could (or should) John have done to address to situation?



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Dazi

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At 17 and 18 I went on a road trip with my friends during Christmas holiday. To this day it is some of my fondest Christmas memories. It's not to say that I didn't enjoy Christmas with my family, but at that age, it's a grand adventure.

I think John needs to step back and remember what it was like to be a carefree teenager. A child/young adult needs those experiences to grow and to appreciate what she has at home.
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Aleko

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I think the question that John and his wife should be asking themselves is: "Jessica wants to spend this Christmas having a wonderful time on the beach with her boyfriend and their other friends. Do we say to her "Have a lovely time! We'll be thinking of you on Christmas Day!" or "No! What you would like to do isn't important! All the nuclear family have to be here with us and stay together all day at Christmas, because we say so, and you're not financially independent yet so we can make you."

And if they choose the second option, do they really think she'll ever willingly come home for Christmas again, once she has moved out and is earning her own living?

This story resonates with me because my MIL is a resolute defender of the English 'one-room Christmas ' whereby everyone in the immediate family is rounded up into one room as early as possible on Christmas Day and kept together - nobody is allowed to wander off to do their own thing, even for half an hour - all day. This to her is an absolute law, and whether everyone, or indeed anyone, actually enjoys it at all is beside the point; she'll keep the family together till bedtime if it kills them. (And this is in raw fact only a very slight exaggeration.) It is mind-blowingly dull - it routinely has me climbing the walls by noon.

John and his family's "intimate" and "low-key" Christmas sounds crashingly dull also. It hasn't even got the modest added interest of including friends and relatives who aren't with them every day - it's just the ordinary household having to spend a whole day joined at the hip, trying to find some way to pass the time. Which is not easy when there aren't really enough of you to make a board game fun, and you are two middle-aged people, a young adult and a child. When the most fun and festive thing you can think of is to "walk around the neighbourhood to see the Christmas lights", which of course you have all been seeing every day for at least a month, you know you're really scraping the barrel for things to do together.

I do hope they waved her off to her beach Christmas with a good will, even if they had to fake it. If they did, there's just a chance that amid all the surf and sun she thought of her family home at Christmas and felt homesick for it; if so, she will be keener to stay home next year. But if what she actually felt was 'God, I'm so glad I'm not frowsting in the living room right now with Mum and Dad and little bro', then it certainly would have been quite fruitless to force her to stay at home.
« Last Edit: January 01, 2019, 04:24:02 am by Aleko »
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Chez Miriam

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I met my husband just before he was 40, and I'd finally escaped 'doing what will make my mum happy' for Christmas having turned 30...

We went (for our second Christmas together) skiing in the Swiss Alps.  We did that for several years [well, I don't ski, but I can enjoy snow!], until we'd established a habit that our own 'family' was entitled to do what it liked on Christmas Day.

If John and his wife were able to graciously wish her a Happy Beachside Christmas, and let her go, she's likely to want to spent (some) future Christmases with her family of origin.

Neither my husband nor I have spent a Christmas with our mothers since "escaping", and my brother [who for reasons of convenience (free hotel?) and laziness] lives at home HATES Christmas with a passion.

I'm only giving my story to give a perspective of someone who kow-towed to my mum's idea of what Christmas is like for 30 years, learned to hate the day/season/fuss, but then regained my love of all things Christmassy after enough years of being allowed to do what I wanted for a change.

It could be a case of 'be careful what you wish for' for John and his wife?

Edited because "then" is spelt with an 'n' not a 'y'.
« Last Edit: January 01, 2019, 11:47:14 am by Chez Miriam »
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich
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oogyda

Heck, I'm 50 something and I'd rather have Jessica's Beach Christmas as opposed to the typical family Christmas the OP describes. 
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Rose Red

The daughter is in college and may not get many chances to run off to the beach when she's an adult with a job and other responsibilities. Does he want her future memories to be of cozy Christmases with her family or of the one year that she was forced to stay home to do the same thing they do every year?
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pierrotlunaire0

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I'm in my 60's, and was pretty much a homebody all my life.  But John needs to let go.  Even if John's tradition was for the family to go stay at a beach house, and Jessica wanted to spend Christmas at home, pretty much doing nothing, he should let her.

You don't have children so that you have indentured staff to act out your vision of what family life is like for eternity.
I have enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three cars across a sizeable desert.  Which makes me officially...Three Cars Crazy
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Celestia

Even if I'm allowing that family Christmas is extremely important to them, what etiquette rule has Jessica broken that could possibly be considered "rude"? She announced her plans ahead of time and gave the family a head's up, she didn't (appear to) expect them to go out of their way to do anything differently themselves.

"Hurtful" or "inconsiderate" or "selfish" I would disagree with but be able to understand where they were coming from. How would this be "rude"? 
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Thitpualso

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I agree with the majority.

Jessic’s at Uni.  That usually means she has a broader view of life than she had in high school.  John may not like the idea of the trip but he should recognize that Christmas away from the family home will happen eventually. 

Besides, there’s no law that says Christmas must be observed on the exact day.  It can be great fun to have the family celebration on a different day. 
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gramma dishes

Jessica loses out on the social growth opportunities provided by dorm life by living at home.  This Beach Christmas is a safe 'taste' of momentarily living with friends instead of family.  I think it's healthy and normal and she gave them plenty of warning that this was her intention so they could adjust their expectations. 
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lakey

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I prefer the idea of people spending Christmas with family, however, the reality is that an 18 year old university student needs to start making her own decisions. I don't think it's a matter of what is more fun for her, or rudeness. I think it is a matter of progressing into adulthood.
Often young adults break away from their parents in various ways, sometimes in more serious ways than this. This is actually a pretty harmless way for her to establish her independence from her parents.
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guest657

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If John feels so strongly that Christmas is for family, I wonder what his reasons are for not spending it with extended family on either side?

My DH and I have an inside joke from when we were dating and working out how much couple time we wanted vs alone time:

"How can I miss you if you won't leave?"

Getting the family together for Christmas is special when people are traveling in from other places, or taking time off from work, or otherwise taking time out of their usual routine to spend the day together. When you all live together anyway, and you don't have any plans to see relatives or do anything out of the ordinary ...it's just another Tuesday, plus church.

The best way for John to spend meaningful time with Jessica is to talk to her about what makes family time meaningful to her, and think about ways their traditions can grow and change as the kids grow up.
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OnyxBird

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Aside from others' excellent points about independence and forcing the issue producing resentment, there are an enormous number of ways to celebrate holidays, so it's pretty much inevitable that whichever one you choose violates someone's idea of the One Right and True Way To CelebrateTM.

For example:
For reasons I won't go into, John, his wife and kids (Jessica and her younger brother) do not visit with relatives on Christmas Day.

It would never have entered my mind to need to justify a nuclear family spending Christmas at their own home without visiting or hosting extended family. My family has rarely spent Christmas Day with extended relatives, and has a similarly low-key traditions as John's family (but with even less scheduled togetherness--we do usually hang out together much of Christmas afternoon, but not because we're expected to XYZ activity as a family). Yet clearly, for many people (presumably including the OP), spending Christmas Day with extended family is the norm and John's family is diverging from "custom" by spending the day with just the nuclear family. Yet I bet John wouldn't appreciate someone informing him that Christmas Day should be reserved for spending time with the extended family and that he can have his intimate nuclear family celebration either before or after Christmas, but not on the day itself.

John was pretty upset and hurt over this. To be clear, he had no objection to Jessica spending time at the beach with her friends, but felt she should do this either before or after Christmas - and that Christmas Day should be reserved for family. He asked what everyone thought.

How, exactly? To spend time at the beach with her friends, she has to be at the beach when the friends are going to be there. If Christmas is when all her friends are going to the beach, then she can't just pick another time and expect all the friends to change their plans accordingly. Christmas Day was on a Tuesday, so if they were at the beach the for the week of Christmas (i.e., weekend to weekend), only going for the portion before or the portion after Christmas would take a substantial chunk out of the week. Going for the full week except for Christmas Day itself would require a full additional round trip between home and the beach. And either option requires her to have independent travel arrangements, rather than, e.g., carpooling to the beach with her friends. (Not to mention missing out on any special Christmas festivities that she and her friends were planning to share.)

On the other hand, she lives with her family. They could have a gift exchange, family movie/board game time, and a walk around the neighborhood any day. The neighborhood Christmas lights probably don't go up for one day only, so even that could presumably be done any weekend or other day off either during Advent or shortly after Christmas. She does not get to spend leisure time at the beach with these friends every day or every week.
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Mary Sunshine Rain

I agree that John is right to feel hurt.

There aren't a lot of holidays that center around family, Christmas being pretty much the main one.

There are plenty of other weeks that she can run off with her friends.

Frankly, as her parent, I would let her go.  But, then I would re-examine what I felt were my obligations to an 18 year old who was making decisions to prioritize her friends and boyfriend over a holiday that was very important to me and our family.
 
There are a lot of benefits to having a tight knit family.  If they were expecting her to celebrate her birthday or New Year's with them, I would feel differently.  But, Christmas is different.

For some families, it's New Year's that is the main family holiday.  I know folks that could bow out of their Christmas family celebration but would move heaven and earth to make sure they were there for NYE!
 
The fact is that she knows that Christmas is an important family holiday and she is choosing to put herself first.  She can do that, but then maybe John will stop putting her first as well.
 
I can understand a young person chafing at family obligations if there are too many, but growing up means making tough choices.  And there are consequences to the choices we make.
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Mary Sunshine Rain

To spend time at the beach with her friends, she has to be at the beach when the friends are going to be there. If Christmas is when all her friends are going to the beach, then she can't just pick another time and expect all the friends to change their plans accordingly. Christmas Day was on a Tuesday, so if they were at the beach the for the week of Christmas (i.e., weekend to weekend), only going for the portion before or the portion after Christmas would take a substantial chunk out of the week. Going for the full week except for Christmas Day itself would require a full additional round trip between home and the beach. And either option requires her to have independent travel arrangements, rather than, e.g., carpooling to the beach with her friends. (Not to mention missing out on any special Christmas festivities that she and her friends were planning to share.)

On the other hand, she lives with her family. They could have a gift exchange, family movie/board game time, and a walk around the neighborhood any day. The neighborhood Christmas lights probably don't go up for one day only, so even that could presumably be done any weekend or other day off either during Advent or shortly after Christmas. She does not get to spend leisure time at the beach with these friends every day or every week.

She could also tell her friends, "I can go right after Christmas."  And she would establish herself as someone who puts her family first. 

Yes, it would mean she might have to get herself there, but then she is 18 and an adult.  Adults take care of business.  They make decisions based on their values, not when, or if, they can get a ride.