Bad Manners and Brimstone

General Etiquette => The Work Day => Topic started by: Contrarian on October 17, 2019, 07:51:06 am

Title: Nurses
Post by: Contrarian on October 17, 2019, 07:51:06 am
Hello all,

I’m trying to stay away from forums because I’m thinking my stress levels are not helpful when considering matters but I need some advice.

There are two palliative care nurses that I will want to get gifts for soon. They have cared for my friend with exceptional empathy, understanding and I would say some form of love. 
Some of the nurses treat him like a body, he can’t move anything but his head and he has little control of that. He can’t speak but uses a tablet that tracks his eyes to type.
Some of the nurses will keep his tablet out of his eyeline but get angry with him when he’s indicating he needs something but can’t tell him. If he asks for a position change they tell him he’s fine. They’ve even cancelled his call bell because they have told him his didn’t need to be shifted up in bed, and he keeps calling to get a nurse who will do it anyway. (Most will, but cancelling his call bell means they won’t be given the chance).

There are a couple of horrible nurses, some average, pleasant nurses, some nurses who are fine but he can give them a hard time because he gets frustrated too.

But there are two nurses who take time to communicate with him (which saves time and aggravation later) and treat him like the 41 year old man he is, instead of like 100 year old with dementia. His mind is fine, his body is just breaking down and ending his life.

I promise I googled this before coming here. Several times. I only find gift ideas for nurses that seem to be far too personal, as if it’s a family member or friend, not a caregiver.

One of the nurses I want to buy for is a young woman, early twenties, she likes movies but I’m not sure if she goes to the theatre to watch them. She’s sweet and funny and kind.

The other nurse is a 56 year old woman, she’s no nonsense, quite quiet, but capable and empathetic and a strong, kind woman. 

I’ll get these gifts for when he’s gone, which was meant to be a while ago.  No one expected him to live this long and he feels as though they are fed up with him. I want to make sure these two nurses know how awesome they are. We have both told them, but beside writing a message saying so on a card, do you have any ideas?

Besides gift cards. Although I suspect that will be the thing. Or any ideas on questions I could try to casually ask them to find out what may be good? It would seem weird to ask, “so do you like going out for dinner?” So I could get a dinner gift card.  Maybe I could ask favourite restaurants.

Anyway, if any of you have any ideas, please let me know.

Thank you!
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: Effie on October 17, 2019, 08:30:28 am
I am so sorry for what your friend and you are going through. I can make an educated guess of the disease.

I would definitely go with gift cards. Your thought of a restaurant would be lovely, I think. Perhaps coupled with a box of fancy candies? Because you don't know them on a very personal level, you don't know if Netflix or Starbucks or Sephora would actually be used, so the more generic you make it, probably the better. Regardless of the gesture, the fact that you made it all will be appreciated.

(((hugs)))
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: Aleko on October 17, 2019, 08:32:44 am
The two most REALLY important and valuable gifts you can give to any nurse or other medical or care worker (or come to that a teacher, or people employed in many other roles), are:

1. A letter direct to them saying that you have seen, and will tell their boss, how wonderfully well and kindly they do everything and more that their job requires of them, and expressing your heartfelt and lasting gratitude.

2. A letter to their management saying the same thing, and that this person is a treasure to their organisation.

#1 will make them feel truly happy and appreciated, in a way that a mere dinner or theatre voucher couldn't do. #2 will feed into their work appraisal, bring their virtues to the notice of their superiors and hopefully increase their chances of any bonuses, pay hikes or promotions that may be going. And at the worst it will buffer them against any redundancies, and any complaints by unreasonable clients / the horrible nurses / the kind of slimy managers who will cover their own backs by throwing their subordinates under the bus.

That's not to say you can't also give them material gifts, but please check with the management before you do. There may well be regulations about accepting any gifts at all, or gifts worth more than a small amount (e.g. anything more than, say, the cost of a box of chocolates or bunch of flowers). You don't want to cause them difficulties with their employers, or give something that they will be obliged to refuse.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: Kimpossible on October 17, 2019, 09:34:07 am
The two most REALLY important and valuable gifts you can give to any nurse or other medical or care worker (or come to that a teacher, or people employed in many other roles), are:

1. A letter direct to them saying that you have seen, and will tell their boss, how wonderfully well and kindly they do everything and more that their job requires of them, and expressing your heartfelt and lasting gratitude.

2. A letter to their management saying the same thing, and that this person is a treasure to their organisation.

#1 will make them feel truly happy and appreciated, in a way that a mere dinner or theatre voucher couldn't do. #2 will feed into their work appraisal, bring their virtues to the notice of their superiors and hopefully increase their chances of any bonuses, pay hikes or promotions that may be going. And at the worst it will buffer them against any redundancies, and any complaints by unreasonable clients / the horrible nurses / the kind of slimy managers who will cover their own backs by throwing their subordinates under the bus.

That's not to say you can't also give them material gifts, but please check with the management before you do. There may well be regulations about accepting any gifts at all, or gifts worth more than a small amount (e.g. anything more than, say, the cost of a box of chocolates or bunch of flowers). You don't want to cause them difficulties with their employers, or give something that they will be obliged to refuse.
This.
I always recommend a heartfelt note to the person you wish to give a gift, and another note to the supervisor of the agency. The person gets to have a warm fuzzy feeling, and they get to have a potential job boost. That is so much more valuable than any material gift.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: TootsNYC on October 17, 2019, 09:55:52 am
start your letters now--I think those will be really powerful for them. And of course, say something to them now about how you appreciate that they treat him like a person and not an object. It's really rewarding to have someone truly see them (just as they are "seeing" your friend).

I might actually get them a gift card for something useful--like a cleaning service (but sometimes people won't cash those in, so I might try for a cleaning service that will follow up on the appointment), or gas. With a note about how they helped your friend with such ordinary needs but with such grace and compassion, and so you want to help them by making some of their ordinary chores easier. Because they taught you how much power those simple things have.

Or a gift card to their nail salon ("your nails are always so nice--what's your salon?"  or  "I like your haircut/color. who's your person?").

Or maybe a gift card to a masseuse, and ask the masseuse to pursue them a little bit to make sure they use it. (If I were a masseuse or a salon, that would be part of the gift card service; I'd advertise it as a feature when promoting my gift card.)
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: Rose Red on October 17, 2019, 09:56:51 am
I agree with including a letter if you give a gift. In years to come, they may not remember who gave them the knic-knac on their shelf (even though they remember the appreciation behind it), but they can read letters and see how much they impacted people and how their job was worth everything they put into it.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: DaDancingPsych on October 17, 2019, 10:05:30 am
It is really frustrating to be working your behind off in a job, watching your coworkers do the bare minimum, and then management never even notices your efforts. Write that letter to them. In most organizations, it will be put into their file and potentially be considered around raise/advancement time. (Let them know that you sent it, too. In fact, provide them with a copy.) And keep thanking/complimenting them when you can. You never know what kind of day that they are having and sometimes those matter the most!
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: TootsNYC on October 17, 2019, 11:19:41 am
In fact, I might ask to speak with someone in the organization one level up from their immediate supervisor and say, "I know you don't often get a clear window, but I wanted to share with you my admiration for these two nurses." And then explain how good they are. And let it be in contrast with "nameless others" who do things like move his keyboard away and then get mad, or turn off his call button, or refuse to help him get comfortable in bed.

Praising them should be the bulk of your conversation, and insist that the main point of your conversation is to let them know about how great these two nurses are. But let the contrast be heard by someone who is NOT on the floor.

Let that reinforcement happen now, while they are in the middle of this tough stretch with your friend, and also let that feedback about poor treatment leak out as well.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: Mary Sunshine Rain on October 17, 2019, 12:42:38 pm
I have found that Target and Walmart gift cards are some of the most useful no matter who the person is.  People can get just about anything at either of these two stores, online or IRL.
 
And as far as I know, there are no fees associated with either of these like there are with VISA or AMEX gift cards.

And since you can buy groceries at both these stores, someone can use it for a regular budget item like food leaving the cash in their bank account to be used towards anything at all that they would really like to buy for themselves or to save up for.

I'm sorry to hear that some of your friend's carers are not being conscientious about their duty.  That they would just turn off his call button seems particularly cold.  I wonder if there is a way to get through to people like that.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: TootsNYC on October 17, 2019, 02:30:42 pm
just a reminder--they may not be able to accept a gift card.

https://www.oncnursingnews.com/publications/oncology-nurse/2017/december-2017/professionally-speaking-gifts-from-patients-accept-or-reject-

Quote
Although it is never appropriate for a nurse to accept a gift of a large monetary value—be it an item or cash, a gift card, or tickets to a concert, the theater, or sporting events —smaller tokens of appreciation might be acceptable.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: PVZFan on October 17, 2019, 04:05:08 pm
I agree with giving them written letters of appreciation including giving those same compliments to management. (I like Toots' approach of verbally sharing the accolades, while gently highlighting that there's a divergence in care across the nursing staff.)

I'd also add that online reviews that mention them by name would be an additional nice touch. (I have several examples where I've mentioned someone by name and that person has said that their management complimented them and acknowledged them at staff meetings and the like.)

I think they'll be able to accept gifts of food or small things under $15 or so. I think meeting with administration now, sharing the positive experiences and then explicitly asking what the policy is for gifts is reasonable. Administration can give guidance on where the bar is dollar amount-wise.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: Dazi on October 17, 2019, 04:38:10 pm
Write a letter to a higher-up in the organization singing their praises. Those go in personnel files and equal merit raises or Daisy Awards.

Often nurses and other hospital staff cannot accept goods of monetary value or there's a cap on it. The place I work, it's nothing that's worth more than $50. They do enjoy when they get food, just FYI.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: chigger on October 17, 2019, 05:49:04 pm
I agree with the ones that have said to write a note to both the caregivers and the higher ups, also social media. My company rewards anyone that gets their name mentioned in any of the above. Alson, I think I would give a gift of candy, with a gift card tucked in.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: DaDancingPsych on October 18, 2019, 07:43:50 am
I have found that Target and Walmart gift cards are some of the most useful no matter who the person is.  People can get just about anything at either of these two stores, online or IRL.

Agreed. If you really feel compelled to give a gift card (and it is allowed) these are my favorites for the reasons May Sunshine Rain mentioned. I, too, have never seen fees associated with them. In fact, I thought it law (at least in my state) that they could not decrease in value over time. But either way, these never go to waste for me.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: TootsNYC on October 18, 2019, 10:54:53 am
I agree with the ones that have said to write a note to both the caregivers and the higher ups, also social media. My company rewards anyone that gets their name mentioned in any of the above. Alson, I think I would give a gift of candy, with a gift card tucked in.

This brings up an idea--talk with a supervisor there about any of the ways the company/hospital rewards people, and get some advice.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: Winterlight on October 18, 2019, 10:58:06 am
I was in the hospital a few months ago, and when the nursing supervisor came to see me just before I left,  I gushed over the night nurses. I could see how pleased she was to hear it, and she told me it would definitely go in their personnel file.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: Contrarian on October 21, 2019, 03:04:41 pm
Thanks for the Hugs, Ellie!
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: Contrarian on October 21, 2019, 03:06:25 pm
I am so sorry for what your friend and you are going through. I can make an educated guess of the disease.

I would definitely go with gift cards. Your thought of a restaurant would be lovely, I think. Perhaps coupled with a box of fancy candies? Because you don't know them on a very personal level, you don't know if Netflix or Starbucks or Sephora would actually be used, so the more generic you make it, probably the better. Regardless of the gesture, the fact that you made it all will be appreciated.

(((hugs)))

Yes, you’re probably right about the more generic the better. If I get a specific restaurant card, I couldn’t be sure there would be one in a convenient area for them, so I’m guess a major chain would be better than a specialty type of thing.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: DaDancingPsych on October 22, 2019, 07:35:46 am
I am so sorry for what your friend and you are going through. I can make an educated guess of the disease.

I would definitely go with gift cards. Your thought of a restaurant would be lovely, I think. Perhaps coupled with a box of fancy candies? Because you don't know them on a very personal level, you don't know if Netflix or Starbucks or Sephora would actually be used, so the more generic you make it, probably the better. Regardless of the gesture, the fact that you made it all will be appreciated.

(((hugs)))

Yes, you’re probably right about the more generic the better. If I get a specific restaurant card, I couldn’t be sure there would be one in a convenient area for them, so I’m guess a major chain would be better than a specialty type of thing.

I was once gifted a restaurant card to a lovely cafe that was next door to where I worked. However, the cafe's hours were such that they were never open before or after I was at work. To use the card, I would have had to make a special trip (likely 45 minute drive one-way). I never got around using the card prior to the cafe closing. (I never actually ate at the cafe ever!) It was a thoughtful gift, but it got wasted on me!
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: Shores on October 31, 2019, 01:01:36 pm
Nurse here.   No gifts, write a glowing letter to administration and give the nurses a face to face thank you if possible.  Nurses can get fired for accepting patient and family gifts.  My last employment all gifts had to be disclosed to management.
Title: Re: Nurses
Post by: Marisa on December 09, 2019, 09:38:11 pm
The two most REALLY important and valuable gifts you can give to any nurse or other medical or care worker (or come to that a teacher, or people employed in many other roles), are:

[snip]

2. A letter to their management saying the same thing, and that this person is a treasure to their organisation.

Especially this!  My late father was an RN and one of his most treasured memories of his nursing days was when a patient wrote a letter to the hospital where he worked commending Dad for his thoroughness, kindness and professionalism.