Bad Manners and Brimstone

General Etiquette => Entertaining and Hospitality => Topic started by: Hmmm on December 02, 2019, 10:59:48 am

Title: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Hmmm on December 02, 2019, 10:59:48 am
In the 2nd letter to Miss Manners in the link below, the writer states they have a couple and young child coming to visit over the holidays. They have on guest room with a queen size bed that the couple used before. For this trip, the husband is suggesting they give the couple the master bedroom because it has a king size bed. I'm assuming they are expecting the child to sleep with the parents.

https://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2019/12/2/in-defense-of-e-cards-for-christmas

If you were a guest, would you be comfortable with moving into the master bedroom? I know I would not. For one, I wouldn't like knowing I was literally kicking someone out of their bed. Also, it would feel like the homeowners may need frequent access to the room to get clothing or other items they may not have thought to take with them for the duration of the stay. I would also feel like in a guest room there would be more closet space or empty drawer space to use. I wouldn't want to use the couple's closet as that would feel a little like snooping even if that is not your purpose.

If my hosts were my own parents, I might be ok with the arrangement. But I wouldn't even want this accomodation with my sisters.

What are your thoughts?
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: TootsNYC on December 02, 2019, 11:20:48 am
I agree with you.

My parents always gave their bedroom to my dad's parents when they traveled to see us, because it was the only double bed in the house, and my grandparents were older, so they needed a more comfortable bed.

I don't remember what my folks did for sleeping; we didn't have a spare bedroom. Maybe they got the rollaway full-size bed out and slept on it in a nook in the living room.

And my cousin and his girlfriend visited us for a week when he was under treatment for the cancer that we knew would take him from us.

They got our bedroom, so he'd have a door he could close for sleeping at any time of day. We moved a whole bunch of clothes out so they wouldn't have to worry about us, and we slept on our very comfortable queen-size sofa bed (RIP, Castro Convertible sofas!)

But for pretty much anyone else, they can sleep on that sofa bed. We do our best to make it seem a little more private.

However, if I had a spare bedroom with a queen-size bed, I'd never give up my room.

I'd find a bed for the kid somewhere else, even if it was in a rollaway or an air mattress in their room. Hopefully, there's just enough room to fit it.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Hanna on December 02, 2019, 11:59:24 am
I sleep where I am told as a guest and want my guests to do the same.  One "Are you sure?"  is ok, but anything beyond that is not really gracious.  It's a very big deal to me where guests sleep in my house and though I want them to be comfortable with the arrangements, I put a great deal of thought into how to re-arrange my household when hosting people overnight for maximum comfort for everyone including me, guests, pets, etc.

Also, if you don't listen to me and sleep where I say, you can expect to have at least one cat involved in disrupting your night.

That being said, now that I am married I won't be kicking my husband out of our room to give it away to anyone.  That was ok when it was just me, but not for us.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Aleko on December 02, 2019, 12:00:02 pm
I would hate knowing that my host(s) had felt obliged to vacate their own room for me, and it would feel all wrong sleeping there with their personal stuff. So provided I had reasonably civilised guest accommodation I wouldn't dream of doing that for my own guests, unless they had some health or other issue that made my own room radically more suitable.

In this case it appears that this family have stayed in the guest room before, that it is equivalent to the master bedroom except for the bed size, and that the husband only suggests giving them the master bedroom because the child is now 'older', which implies that the child slept in the same bed as the parents, and they expect him/her to do the same again. I agree with Miss Manners that it would be far pleasanter for everyone concerned for the child to be given a futon, camp bed or similar in the guest room.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: TootsNYC on December 02, 2019, 12:19:29 pm

In this case it appears that this family have stayed in the guest room before, that it is equivalent to the master bedroom except for the bed size, and that the husband only suggests giving them the master bedroom because the child is now 'older', which implies that the child slept in the same bed as the parents, and they expect him/her to do the same again. I agree with Miss Manners that it would be far pleasanter for everyone concerned for the child to be given a futon, camp bed or similar in the guest room.


Except the kid would be sleeping in the same king-size bed as the parents, under the husband's plan. I can't think of ANY age at which I'd want my kid sleeping in the bed with us. That means someone is in the middle and has to crawl over people to get out!
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Hmmm on December 02, 2019, 12:29:11 pm

In this case it appears that this family have stayed in the guest room before, that it is equivalent to the master bedroom except for the bed size, and that the husband only suggests giving them the master bedroom because the child is now 'older', which implies that the child slept in the same bed as the parents, and they expect him/her to do the same again. I agree with Miss Manners that it would be far pleasanter for everyone concerned for the child to be given a futon, camp bed or similar in the guest room.


Except the kid would be sleeping in the same king-size bed as the parents, under the husband's plan. I can't think of ANY age at which I'd want my kid sleeping in the bed with us. That means someone is in the middle and has to crawl over people to get out!

I agree. If a young toddler, I'd be making a pallet on the floor for him. An older one would be offered the sofa or I'd get a camp cot.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Hanna on December 02, 2019, 12:35:09 pm
I would hate knowing that my host(s) had felt obliged to vacate their own room for me, and it would feel all wrong sleeping there with their personal stuff. So provided I had reasonably civilised guest accommodation I wouldn't dream of doing that for my own guests, unless they had some health or other issue that made my own room radically more suitable.

I agree in the main. Iíve done it in the past because it offered both me and my guests the most privacy, due to the layout of my house.  Also because the master bedroom and bathroom are on one floor, while the other bedrooms are on the 3rd without a bathroom on that floor. I donít like my guests (especially older ones) having to use the staircase in the middle of the night in the event that they needed the bathroom.

When itís not close family I clear out my bedroom enough that it is not immediately evident that itís where I normally sleep. It took my last guests a few days before they realized it was the master.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Copper Horsewoman on December 02, 2019, 12:45:24 pm
We have given the master bedroom and slept on the sofa bed in past times, because we had dogs who would be up at the crack of dawn and needed to go out, which due to the layout of our house would mean traipsing straight through the living room, probably waking the guests. This gave everyone better sleep, more privacy and less disturbance. Depends on circumstance, but as a guest I would not demand (or even ask) that of my hosts.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Pandorica on December 02, 2019, 12:51:02 pm
In general, I don't think I'd give up the master bedroom to a guest or want to take the master bedroom from my hosts, unless there were special circumstances like health issues, etc.

If the child is a toddler or older, I really doubt the guest couple would actually want to share the bed with them. Kids are terrible to share a bed with. 
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: TootsNYC on December 02, 2019, 02:16:48 pm
We have given the master bedroom and slept on the sofa bed in past times, because we had dogs who would be up at the crack of dawn and needed to go out, which due to the layout of our house would mean traipsing straight through the living room, probably waking the guests. This gave everyone better sleep, more privacy and less disturbance. Depends on circumstance, but as a guest I would not demand (or even ask) that of my hosts.


I just had a flashback of the women's retreat for church held at a vacation home, where the older ladies got the bedroom and I (and several others) were on cots in the living room.

We were required to clean the apartment before we left (since we were getting it for free instead of paying for the homeowner's cleaning service), and the older ladies had volunteered for that crew.

I was driving. And was still feeling the deficit from my late-night drive into the town. And I had to drive back later that day.

So at 2 hours before the rest of us had to get up, the older ladies were up vacuuming the whole area and clanging dishes and calling to one another.

Boy was I mad. I get that the older ladies might have needed a bit less "roughing it," but honestly, I should have been sleeping in the closed room.

Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: chigger on December 02, 2019, 04:50:39 pm
The only time I've given up my bedroom, was during a hurricane, when all our children and grands came to us. My husband had to leave town because of his job, so I gave up my bedroom to the family that brought their pets. It was horrible. I'm sleeping on the sofa, no privacy, no sleep all night and no where to go sleep during the day,while hurricane rages on. I personally would never offer my room again, unless it was an elderly couple, but all our older family have passed away now.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: TootsNYC on December 02, 2019, 05:08:54 pm
The only time I've given up my bedroom, was during a hurricane, when all our children and grands came to us. My husband had to leave town because of his job, so I gave up my bedroom to the family that brought their pets. It was horrible. I'm sleeping on the sofa, no privacy, no sleep all night and no where to go sleep during the day, while hurricane rages on. I personally would never offer my room again, unless it was an elderly couple, but all our older family have passed away now.

I'd rather keep my bed and have their pets in with me. I'd even be OK with a non-wriggly youngster sleeping in the other half.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: GardenGal on December 02, 2019, 05:16:54 pm
I wouldn't stay at anyone's home where they didn't have a spare bedroom (or at the very least a spare bed) for me.  My DH sometimes needs to use the bathroom for extended periods, and so we also don't want to stay with anyone who doesn't also have a spare bathroom, as we'd hate to put them out if they needed the bathroom and it wasn't available and wouldn't be for at least 15 minutes.  Last time we visited with our best friend of nearly 45 years she wanted us to stay in their spare bedroom, but with only 1 bathroom we insisted on staying at a nearby motel, as it just made us much more comfortable.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: oogyda on December 02, 2019, 05:30:10 pm
I've given up the master to both DDs (at different times)  mostly because there is plenty of floor space in that room for air mattresses for the kids. 
 
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: HenrysMom on December 02, 2019, 10:06:57 pm
I always give up my bedroom to guests, but thatís because I rarely use it myself.  With my back and knees, Iím actually more comfortable on my couch than in my bed.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: vegetables on December 03, 2019, 08:01:39 am
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Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Aleko on December 03, 2019, 09:48:24 am
Hi, vegetables, and welcome!

Glad to have you here, but - when you said 'I don't prefer it', what exactly did you mean you don't prefer?
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: BeagleMommy on December 10, 2019, 02:58:46 pm
When BeagleDaddy and I were first married, the only people we gave the master bedroom to while they were visiting was his parents.  They were both elderly and his dad had serious back issues.  The sofa bed we had usually put a bar right against the lower back and that would have been agony for his dad.

We don't have a spare bedroom any more so no overnight guests.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: oogyda on December 12, 2019, 07:02:59 am
When BeagleDaddy and I were first married, the only people we gave the master bedroom to while they were visiting was his parents.  They were both elderly and his dad had serious back issues.  The sofa bed we had usually put a bar right against the lower back and that would have been agony for his dad.

We don't have a spare bedroom any more so no overnight guests.

A little off topic, but.....

A handy little trick I learned from a friend with that kind of sofa bed was to turn around.  Put my feet toward the sofa and my head at the other end.  It made a huge difference.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Pattycake on December 12, 2019, 09:52:17 am
When BeagleDaddy and I were first married, the only people we gave the master bedroom to while they were visiting was his parents.  They were both elderly and his dad had serious back issues.  The sofa bed we had usually put a bar right against the lower back and that would have been agony for his dad.

We don't have a spare bedroom any more so no overnight guests.

A little off topic, but.....

A handy little trick I learned from a friend with that kind of sofa bed was to turn around.  Put my feet toward the sofa and my head at the other end.  It made a huge difference.

Or, if you're not too tall, lie sideways, parallel with the bar!
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: TootsNYC on December 12, 2019, 10:51:28 am
When we invite people to stay with us, I always say, "You know that bar that sofa beds have? The one that hits right in your hips and twists your back around? Ours doesn't have it! We've slept on ours for two weeks at a time, and found it very comfortable."

RIP, Castro Convertible sofas! I'll be reupholstering mine until the day I die.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Winterlight on December 22, 2019, 10:37:37 am
I am single with no kids, and if I had a married couple staying with me I'd give them the bedroom because I don't have a guest room. I'd probably do the same thing with a single guest as well. My dresser is in another room and I'd bring whatever clothing I needed for the next day out with me. I think the most gracious thing a guest can do is to sleep where they're told as long as it's adequate for their needs.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: SioCat on December 22, 2019, 09:19:58 pm
I would absolutely not be giving up my bedroom. I would rent a hotel room for someone to stay in before giving up my bed.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Jem on December 23, 2019, 12:39:21 pm
I would absolutely not be giving up my bedroom. I would rent a hotel room for someone to stay in before giving up my bed.

Yep. I also would rent a hotel room before staying in someone else's bed!
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: LadyJaneinMD on January 16, 2020, 11:12:18 am
I'm a 60-year-old woman with a futon in the living room.  It makes a very comfortable extra bed and a decent sofa.  It actually sits pretty high, unlike the old types of futons.
It's my best friend's bed whenever she comes for a visit, partly because she likes to fall asleep to the tv, but mostly because my 'spare bedroom' is really my sewing room. 
A couple of years ago, we went shopping for a new mattress for the futon.  We had a funny disagreement about who would pay for the new mattress.  'It's my couch, so I should pay for it.'  'It's my bed, so *I* should pay for it'.  In the end, we just split the cost. 

Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: TootsNYC on January 16, 2020, 11:20:34 am
When BeagleDaddy and I were first married, the only people we gave the master bedroom to while they were visiting was his parents.  They were both elderly and his dad had serious back issues.  The sofa bed we had usually put a bar right against the lower back and that would have been agony for his dad.

We don't have a spare bedroom any more so no overnight guests.

A little off topic, but.....

A handy little trick I learned from a friend with that kind of sofa bed was to turn around.  Put my feet toward the sofa and my head at the other end.  It made a huge difference.

I have a Castro Convertible from the Olden Days (they sold the company to a North Carolina furniture maker that shortly went out of business), and it doesn't have that bar (If you ever get a chance to buy one used, grab it, and have it reupholstered; they were a NYC-centered company). I always tell people when I invite them, "You know that bar that hits about hip level? Ours doesn't have that."

But sometimes (when I'm sleeping on it for various reasons, like painting the room, etc.) it feels as if I'm sleeping slightly upside down, so I flip around too.

Sometimes you can slide a board in between mattress and frame.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: XRogue on April 20, 2020, 12:01:16 pm
Nope, I have an arthritic hip and insomnia. I am not giving up my bed, nor am I putting anyone out of theirs. Sometimes it means I can't travel, sometimes it means getting a motel. At least that way I am not keeping folks awake when I am.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Lkdrymom on May 31, 2020, 07:53:15 am
I would absolutely not be giving up my bedroom. I would rent a hotel room for someone to stay in before giving up my bed.

Yep. I also would rent a hotel room before staying in someone else's bed!

I am with both of you. The idea of someone else sleeping in my bed makes me very uncomfortable.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: gramma dishes on May 31, 2020, 11:48:56 am
I would absolutely not be giving up my bedroom. I would rent a hotel room for someone to stay in before giving up my bed.

Yep. I also would rent a hotel room before staying in someone else's bed!

I am with both of you. The idea of someone else sleeping in my bed makes me very uncomfortable.

We did once many, many years ago.  The couple had a very young baby and she was nursing and we felt she would be more comfortable in the master bedroom with the bathroom right there and everything.  Everything went alright but when they were leaving the next day, they suggested that we might want to buy a new mattress because ours wasn't firm enough!   So that was the first and last time we ever gave up our room for anyone!
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: TootsNYC on May 31, 2020, 02:53:40 pm
Quote
they suggested that we might want to buy a new mattress because ours wasn't firm enough!   

That's a little cheeky! Haven't they heard that people have different needs and preferences?

I mean, if they decided that they didn't want to borrow your bed on the next visit because it was too soft, that's OK, they just keep it to themselves.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: chigger on May 31, 2020, 02:57:32 pm
I would absolutely not be giving up my bedroom. I would rent a hotel room for someone to stay in before giving up my bed.

Yep. I also would rent a hotel room before staying in someone else's bed!

I am with both of you. The idea of someone else sleeping in my bed makes me very uncomfortable.

We did once many, many years ago.  The couple had a very young baby and she was nursing and we felt she would be more comfortable in the master bedroom with the bathroom right there and everything.  Everything went alright but when they were leaving the next day, they suggested that we might want to buy a new mattress because ours wasn't firm enough!   So that was the first and last time we ever gave up our room for anyone!

That would be bad enough if it was a guest bed, but your OWN bed! I would have said "That's how WE like it".
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: chigger on May 31, 2020, 04:24:10 pm
The only time I've given up my bedroom, was during a hurricane, when all our children and grands came to us. My husband had to leave town because of his job, so I gave up my bedroom to the family that brought their pets. It was horrible. I'm sleeping on the sofa, no privacy, no sleep all night and no where to go sleep during the day, while hurricane rages on. I personally would never offer my room again, unless it was an elderly couple, but all our older family have passed away now.

I'd rather keep my bed and have their pets in with me. I'd even be OK with a non-wriggly youngster sleeping in the other half.

Very, very late responding! My DD and SIL and 12 year old GD brought 3 cats and 2 dogs, one very large, in addition to themselves. Older son brought his wife and 2 toddlers, and I have a pom that's scared to death from the storm! I just could not imagine all those animals in a,strange to them, environment. Common room, that is. Next time, all pets that don't live here can stay in the garage. It was really awful for me.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: XRogue on May 31, 2020, 04:30:31 pm
Quote
they suggested that we might want to buy a new mattress because ours wasn't firm enough!   

Part of what helps me sleep is having a memory foam mattress......have had people try it out after I bought it and every one complained it was tooooo soft, and maybe my pain would go away with a firmer mattress. Trust me, I grew up with parents who insisted I use a mattress that was hard as a rock.... they finally caved when I was 8. They still have a mattress the consistency of a brick but it is not my buisiness. They have asked in the past if I wanted to have their room when I visit, oh please no. I'd prefer the couch!


 SMH about you giving up your room to help them with their infant and then they have the nerve to offer 'constructive criticism"!
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Aleko on June 01, 2020, 02:36:33 am
Quote
That would be bad enough if it was a guest bed

Actually, if tactfully phrased, it could be very useful information about a guest bed. In the 1950s my parents bought a very expensive and stylish sofa with a backrest that can be flipped over to turn it into a single bed. It did good service both as sofa and guest bed for many decades - my parents were quite happy to have hordes of their children's school or university friends descend with sleeping bags at weekends - and I sometimes slept on it myself when later they moved to a smaller house. Eventually, when I and DH moved to a larger house, they gave it to me. So a couple of years ago when we had a bunch of friends staying I showed the only singleton to this sofa-bed and said 'here you go, I promise you it's really comfy'; but next morning she said 'I'm afraid it really isn't'. I had a look at it and she wasn't kidding - the synthetic strapping supporting the seat cushion had perished, so it was like a hammock. I apologised profusely and got an upholsterer to replace the strapping and he said 'Yes, I see that very often - that particular synthetic rubber was used in upholstery a lot in the 1950s and '60s, and it works like a dream for 50 or 60 years, then it perishes quite suddenly'. 

We hadn't registered this because when we sit on that sofa we have a lot of cushions on it: it wasn't till we took the cushions off, flipped the backrest and lay down on it -not something one normally does in one's own house - that it felt very, very wrong! And if our friend hadn't been frank enough to tell us, heaven knows how many other friends we might have put through a wretchedly uncomfortable night.
Title: Re: Giving guests the master bedroom
Post by: Mistress Mae on August 28, 2020, 09:43:04 am
My master bed is a twin, so it can barely fit one person comfortably so giving it up won't help anyone as no one really wants to sleep on a twin bed (my family's words), and it's a couple of degree's warmer than the other bedroom. Plus I have all of my personal belongings in there, so I'd have to keep coming into the room to grab something or to use that bathroom. Even if I had a bigger bed I wouldn't be giving up the master bedroom for anyone, I don't feel comfortable enough for anyone to be sleeping in there.