Bad Manners and Brimstone

General Etiquette => Weddings => Topic started by: gellchom on January 17, 2020, 02:13:07 pm

Title: Password protected registry
Post by: gellchom on January 17, 2020, 02:13:07 pm
I have a dear young cousin getting married in June.  I wanted to look at her registry and perhaps see if there is other info on a web site.

I googled and found a Zola registry, but it's password protected.  The site says, "Hint: it's the dog's name."

I'm sure that this is useful for their local friends and seemed obvious to them.  But for people like me -- relatives thousands of miles and a generation or two away, which describes almost all their family -- it's not very helpful.  They have sent some info about accommodations by email, which would have been a good time to share the password.  Maybe they felt it would seem pushy.

The accommodations are confusing, too.  They chose a venue way, way out in the country, not near any hotels or near where anyone lives.  The info they sent was about a very expensive place that has only something like yurt housing, and only a few units, so it's definitely not the place for everyone; maybe just the wedding party.  The only hotel we could find requires payment in full by January 15th of the calendar year of your reservation, which makes absolutely no sense to me (and I received that info from the hotel on January 16th).

None of these things is a big deal, and it certainly doesn't dampen my enthusiasm for the wedding.  At the same time, these little things can add up to make a large group of the guests feel like afterthoughts or anyway not as important to the HC as their peer group.  I don't know about the groom, but I know my cousin loves her family, so it's not a dysfunction-distancing thing; more likely the result of reading lots of wedding idea blogs and such rather than starting with their actual guest list and thinking what would be the best for their actual group, not a TV show. 

Of course they should express their own tastes, and a venue they love, and of course they should have their friends at their wedding!  At the same time, it would be nice if they made a little more effort to make their other guests feel a bit more welcome, especially because they are traveling so far.

I'm not even saying that they should plan a single thing differently.  I just think it would have been nice if they had found some way to communicate about their plans that would not have made some of their guests feel a bit like B Listers.

Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: jpcher on January 17, 2020, 04:32:05 pm
It does sound a bit awkward, but I don't think it's B-listing. The couple were nice enough to send an accommodation list so that you didn't have to do your own research on where to stay. However, you found the list a bit lacking and I agree with this.

I think it would be perfectly fine to reply to her email with something like:

"Hey, Cuz! I'm so looking forward to attending your wedding! I appreciate your thoughtfulness in sending accommodation recommendations. Unfortunately the hotel that you suggested needed confirmation three days ago so I missed that deadline. Do you have any other thoughts on hotels or maybe even a local commerce website that lists hotels close to the wedding venue so that I can do my own research?*

I would appreciate any information you could pass on to me.

P.S. What is the name of your dog?"



*Maybe I'm wrong with this thought, but I don't think the HC needs to find accommodation for all guests. Some guests prefer a pricier stay, others might find the cheapest motel to their liking.
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: Pandorica on January 17, 2020, 06:33:18 pm
It sounds like they're inexperienced in planning such a big event.   And/or maybe they're not expecting much attendance from distant relatives.

Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: gellchom on January 17, 2020, 11:39:05 pm
It’s not just distant guests.  The venue is 2-3 hours away, on mountain roads that are daunting at night, from the nearest city, where they live; the HC and all the guests, even locals, will need accommodations for two nights.   

*Maybe I'm wrong with this thought, but I don't think the HC needs to find accommodation for all guests. Some guests prefer a pricier stay, others might find the cheapest motel to their liking.

I wasn’t clear.  The problem is that there are very few places to stay, at any price, in the area.  There are no hotels, just a few guest houses and airb&bs, most a town or two away.  The place we found is not one that they suggested; my brother found it.  The HC did not send a list, just said that there were guest houses in the area.

Of course HCs don’t need to find accommodations for all their guests.  But in my experience, when there are numerous out of town guests, hosts usually reserve a block of rooms at, or at least suggest, one or two hotels so that everyone can be together.  Of course people can choose another hotel, or to stay with friends, if they prefer, but most like to be around all the family they don’t see often — that’s an important part of the weekend, too.

I’m sure the venue is lovely and meaningful to them, and we will enjoy it.  But it is rather a nuisance for their guests because it is so difficult to find housing. 

Anyway, we did find something, so we are all set.  But I have to admit that this kind of made it seem like their guests’ convenience and comfort was a rather low priority.
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: Aleko on January 18, 2020, 03:57:23 am
Quote
... this kind of made it seem that their guests' convenience and comfort was a rather low priority.

Or perhaps a kinder assumption might be that the sweet young things just went for their dream venue without thinking about anything so mundane as convenience and comfort at all? They may not even have figured out and provided for their own requirements adequately.
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: gellchom on January 18, 2020, 09:25:17 am
Quote
... this kind of made it seem that their guests' convenience and comfort was a rather low priority.

Or perhaps a kinder assumption might be that the sweet young things just went for their dream venue without thinking about anything so mundane as convenience and comfort at all? They may not even have figured out and provided for their own requirements adequately.

I think that’s exactly what happened.  I certainly don’t think that they were going out of their way to insult or inconvenience anyone! I’m sure it never even occurred to them.  Whether someone pointed it out to them and they pushed back anyway I do not know and do not want to know! By the way, these “sweet young things are in their thirties, if that matters.
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: TootsNYC on January 18, 2020, 07:34:03 pm
(you did call her a "dear young cousin"--that might have influenced the word choice)
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: Aleko on January 19, 2020, 02:21:41 am
Quote
By the way, these “sweet young things" are in their thirties, if that matters.

I didn't necessarily mean it literally. I've known people in their thirties act surprisingly adolescent in the throes of wedding planning.
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: lowspark on January 20, 2020, 10:28:39 am
Back in the olden days you generally got married fairly young and your parents paid for everything and guided you in planning. Not everyone of course, but the majority. So people with experience, both in planning and attending weddings were doing the planning or at least had a hand in it.

That's not as true today. Couples are getting married later in life, paying themselves, and planning for themselves without help from the previous generation. And believe me, the older generation would be GLAD to help but they either don't get asked (and don't want to push in) or get told to stay out of it.

So.... things like this will just become more common. It's hard to know how to plan an event as elaborate and complicated as a wedding, with all the components, if you've never been involved with one before, or have never or rarely been a guest at one.
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: DCGirl on January 21, 2020, 01:25:20 pm
Quote
... this kind of made it seem that their guests' convenience and comfort was a rather low priority.

Or perhaps a kinder assumption might be that the sweet young things just went for their dream venue without thinking about anything so mundane as convenience and comfort at all? They may not even have figured out and provided for their own requirements adequately.

My sister and her first husband went for their dream venue, too, and it was pretty miserable for the guests.  It was in a meadow at the top of a mountain where they'd been camping when he proposed, so it was certainly meaningful for them.  Getting there involved hiking up a dirt path from the closet parking spot, which was itself at the end of a rutted gravel road.  There were grandparents in attendance and the best man was on crutches from a broken ankle.  The view we were all promised (it was supposed to be a sunrise wedding, so we were hiking up in the dark) was obscured by the heavy fog blanketing the mountain.  My sister will tell you now that they made some errors in judgement, but wouldn't have admitted it back then.
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: oogyda on January 21, 2020, 03:27:42 pm
ODD had some grand ideas for the location of the ceremony.  It's a beautiful spot at the end of a decent hiking trail in a state park with a waterfall as the backdrop. 

Sure, sweetie.  You can have it there.  But you can't have your great-grandmother, either grandfather and possible either grandmother in attendance. 

She decided on the lodge at the state park catered by their staff.  Even MIL (who isn't a fan of ODD or myself) says it was the best wedding of all her grandchildren and step grandchildren.
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: Pattycake on January 21, 2020, 08:29:04 pm
That reminds me of a wedding we witnessed last year. We weren't invited, we just witnessed it!

We were going for a birthday picnic at a provincial campground. There was one area with a large fire pit, and a kitchen sort of building (that we couldn't use because of weird political reasons), and a bridge over a creek, with a large field area bordered by trees. Very nice - we got there early, and snagged it, because there were about 40 of us, and it was first come, first served (same weird politics - something to do with staffing). Along the way in, we saw signs along the road about someone's wedding, and we all kind of went - oh oh, hope they didn't take the spot we wanted!

Some of our party arrived early, around 10 or so. Sure enough an hour or so after we'd been there, some of the wedding party comes rolling up to set up, and of course they see us there. I won't bore you with all the details, but they didn't put up a fuss thankfully, and they relocated about 100 yards away, in front of the bridge, which actually worked kind of well for them. Not so well for the hikers that had to cross the creek through the water, but the hikers were good sports about it.

I do not know why the wedding party first chose a spot they couldn't book, and knowing they couldn't book it why they didn't send someone out at like 9:00 am to grab the spot. The setter-uppers did come about an hour or two before the wedding, but that was around noon, and really on a nice summer Saturday they didn't expect anyone else might want that spot? I couldn't believe they'd go to all that trouble of going out there without ensuring their location since it's about an hour's drive from any town, about 90 minutes from the big city, and they all had to drive back to where ever for the reception. They weren't sweet young things either, probably in their thirties.
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: Twik on January 22, 2020, 08:56:59 am
Some people always expect things to work in their favor. Others (like me) always approach something like organizing a wedding wondering "and then what unexpected thing will go wrong?"
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: oogyda on January 22, 2020, 09:35:14 am
Some people always expect things to work in their favor. Others (like me) always approach something like organizing a wedding wondering "and then what unexpected thing will go wrong?"

But it did work out because they were apparently willing to adjust. 
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: JeanFromBNA on January 23, 2020, 01:24:26 pm
Why would a registry be password-protected?
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: oogyda on January 23, 2020, 04:03:34 pm
Why would a registry be password-protected?

To help guard against trolls?
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: jpcher on January 23, 2020, 04:06:47 pm
Why would a registry be password-protected?

To help guard against trolls?

Sadly I agree. I can see people thinking how fun! Click that the item has been purchased, click, click, click then the bridal couple receives nothing off of the registry.
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: PVZFan on January 23, 2020, 04:17:10 pm
My husband and I witnessed the "processional" of a wedding in Glacier NP. The bridal couple, officiant, maid of honor and best man were hiking back to "their spot." It was 32 degrees F and spitting freezing rain, the maid of honor had an umbrella over the bride's head and the best man looked pi$$ed. After we passed them, I looked at my DH and said, "Maybe I should tell them that they're getting married in the shadow of "Bad Marriage Mountain."  ;D
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: QueenFaninCA on January 23, 2020, 05:47:50 pm
Why would a registry be password-protected?

To help guard against trolls?

Sadly I agree. I can see people thinking how fun! Click that the item has been purchased, click, click, click then the bridal couple receives nothing off of the registry.

I got married almost two decades ago, but at the time, the only way to something to disappear from the (online) registry was if you actually bought it.
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: Soop on January 24, 2020, 07:28:00 am
Why would a registry be password-protected?

To help guard against trolls?
Sadly I agree. I can see people thinking how fun! Click that the item has been purchased, click, click, click then the bridal couple receives nothing off of the registry.

I got married almost two decades ago, but at the time, the only way to something to disappear from the (online) registry was if you actually bought it.
Must depend on the store. I got married over 20 years ago and you could mark things as purchased on my registry. Because, in spite of what the registry store would like, not every person is going to buy things there.
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: PVZFan on January 24, 2020, 01:11:13 pm
Why would a registry be password-protected?

To help guard against trolls?
Sadly I agree. I can see people thinking how fun! Click that the item has been purchased, click, click, click then the bridal couple receives nothing off of the registry.

I got married almost two decades ago, but at the time, the only way to something to disappear from the (online) registry was if you actually bought it.
Must depend on the store. I got married over 20 years ago and you could mark things as purchased on my registry. Because, in spite of what the registry store would like, not every person is going to buy things there.

I know we've been able to mark things "bought" on registeries from Target. I think we were able to do that with BB&B too.
Title: Re: Password protected registry
Post by: gellchom on January 26, 2020, 04:51:35 pm
OP here —
I think that the registry is password protected because it’s connected to the wedding website.  You sort of get to the website through the registry, rather than the other way around.  It’s Zola; they do things a little differently, I think.  (I’m not a big Zola fan.)