Bad Manners and Brimstone

General Etiquette => Weddings => Topic started by: BeagleMommy on February 13, 2020, 03:21:24 pm

Title: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: BeagleMommy on February 13, 2020, 03:21:24 pm
Local DJs have "Email Wednesday" where they ask listeners to help with a problem emailed to them.  Here was this week's:

Woman agrees to be a bridesmaid in her friend's wedding.  She orders the gown.

Bride announces that the bachelorette party will be a 5-day trip to Houston, Texas (we are in Pennsylvania) and that she has registered at a super expensive home furnishing store.  Oh, and there will be no group gifts.  She expects each bridesmaid to get an individual gift from her registry.

Emailer is realizing this is becoming more than she can afford so she calls the bridal shop to cancel the order for the gown.  Bridal shop owner tells her it is too late.  Owner then calls the bride to tell her one of her bridesmaids tried to cancel the order.  Bride is now furious and posts to Facebook demanding to know who tried to cancel their gown.

Emailer wanted to know if she should come clean or stay silent.
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: GardenGal on February 13, 2020, 03:41:45 pm
Wow, that bride isn't expecting much, is she?  How rude that she made a public post about the person who tried to cancel the dress, and how rude of the shop to tell her about it.  I'm guessing that the woman didn't ask exactly what being a bridesmaid entailed before she agreed to it, or that bride decided to add on more and more expectations.  At this point I'd phone the bride and say that since I could not afford the kind of gift she wanted and also couldn't afford a 5-day trip (or couldn't get the time off), I was bowing out of the bridal party but looking forward to celebrating at the wedding.  I would not be asking if it was okay for me to bow out, that's my call alone to make.  And I wouldn't be overly surprised if I was uninvited to the wedding and that the bride was no longer a friend.
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: jpcher on February 13, 2020, 03:47:51 pm
There is so much wrong with this (on the bride's side).

I think I would come clean and explain the reasons. I would probably then be kicked out of the wedding party and de-friended by the bride, unless the bride is the understanding sort. ::)

Plus all the other bridesmaids will say "It wasn't me" then Emailer will have to lie and say "It wasn't me either." Not a good place to put yourself into.

Plus2 I'm betting that the bride is the forceful type and could finagle the name from the bridal shop (if she hasn't already and is game-playing).

Why would the Owner call the bride to say someone tried to cancel anyway? That's just wrong.



GardenGal posted while I was typing. Posting anyway.
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: Hmmm on February 13, 2020, 03:49:45 pm
Calling the store first was a big mistake but I do think the BM needs to give the bride a call and explain that she can't continue to be a BM.

And honestly, I'd be happy to deal with the fallout because I would not want to be a BM for someone who demands a present from me. It's fine for a Bride & Groom to register at a high end store. But they can not demand gifts come from there. I also don't think it is reasonable to demand all of your BM's attend an out of state (or even local) bachelorette party. They shouldn't even be the ones planning it.
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: oogyda on February 13, 2020, 06:56:15 pm
I can understand calling the store first.  If canceling the order was not a possibility, maybe she was going to just carry on with the plan.  If the dress shop hadn't been very unprofessional, she could have gotten away with it. 

Then think about trying to skip the other expenses, somehow.
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: gellchom on February 13, 2020, 07:58:01 pm
I kind of stopped believing this at the part about the bride telling the bridesmaids that they must each buy her a separate gift from her registry.
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: lakey on February 13, 2020, 10:14:05 pm
I'm wondering if Gellchom is correct. When a story is this outrageous, I suspect it could be made up or exaggerated.
Anyway, if it is true, I would conclude that the bride is greedy and self centered. However, if I had agreed to be bridesmaid, then started feeling like I couldn't handle the demands, the adult thing to do would be to discuss it with the bride. Trying to cancel the gown without discussing it was not good. But not as bad as demanding that other people buy you expensive home furnishings, and spend a small fortune on a five day bachelorette.
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: Aleko on February 14, 2020, 01:51:51 am
Assuming this story is true, she needs to put her hand up as soon as possible (jpcher is right that everyone else will reply 'It wasn't me!', and being found out always makes a person look like the weasel, whatever the rights and wrongs of it) and respond openly on Facebook saying 'I saw your message about the 5-day trip to Houston* and realised that being a bridesmaid is going to cost way more than I expected or can afford. So I called the store as a first priority in the hope that the dress could still be cancelled. They told me no, but even if I'll be out the cost of the dress I'm still going to have to step down from the wedding party; I just don't have that kind of money. If you find a replacement bridesmaid and she's near my size I'd be happy to sell the dress on to her at a discount'.

Then let the chips fall where they may. Just possibly the bride may realise for herself what a bridezilla she has been and rein the whole thing back. Possibly the other bridesmaids may be encouraged to pipe up saying 'yeah, we can't really afford that kind of jaunt either' and force that realisation on her. But even if the others don't back her and the bride is bridezilla enough to unfriend her, disinvite her from the wedding, etc, then that isn't a friendship worth keeping anyway. Better lose it now at only the cost of a dress, than go through with the whole thing and end up broke, exhausted and bitterly resentful of this woman she no longer likes.

* IMO she shouldn't mention the bridal registry thing and the demand for individual presents at all. One of the injustices of life is that there's no way of saying 'I wouldn't dream of giving you anything as expensive as that' without looking stingy, no matter how unreasonable and gimme-pig 'that' was.
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: lowspark on February 14, 2020, 09:22:54 am
I kind of stopped believing this at the part about the bride telling the bridesmaids that they must each buy her a separate gift from her registry.

Yeah. The story is too over the top.
But in any case, no matter what the bride "demands", the bridesmaids do not HAVE to comply. Don't want to do the trip? Just say so and bow out. Don't want to spend $$$ on a gift? Buy what you want. What is the bride going to do?

Assuming the story is true, the BM should have just let the bride know that she wouldn't be able to serve after all, and THEN canceled the dress. Not having done that, she should of course admit it was her. All the people in the story are acting like 5-year olds.

What did the DJs advise?
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: gramma dishes on February 14, 2020, 10:21:22 am
...   Assuming the story is true, the BM should have just let the bride know that she wouldn't be able to serve after all, and THEN canceled the dress. ...

I suspect that what she intended to do was find out if she could cancel on the dress and if she had been allowed to she would have immediately backed out of being a part of the bridal party altogether, but if she couldn't (as it turned out), she could have informed the bride that though she'd still be happy to stand up with her if that was what the bride wanted, she simply did not have time off work or the money to come even close to what the bride seemed to be expecting. 
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: lowspark on February 14, 2020, 11:36:42 am
...   Assuming the story is true, the BM should have just let the bride know that she wouldn't be able to serve after all, and THEN canceled the dress. ...

I suspect that what she intended to do was find out if she could cancel on the dress and if she had been allowed to she would have immediately backed out of being a part of the bridal party altogether, but if she couldn't (as it turned out), she could have informed the bride that though she'd still be happy to stand up with her if that was what the bride wanted, she simply did not have time off work or the money to come even close to what the bride seemed to be expecting.

Ok. I get that. And you're probably right. But these two women are good enough friends for the one to be asking the other to be in her wedding. So in her place, I'd want to give the bride the benefit of the doubt and go ahead and let her know my thoughts before making the move to exit. Yeah, chances are it's not going to matter. But you never know. And I always want to feel like I've done the right thing even if others don't.

For me, the right thing is to approach the bride and let her know that I can't meet the expectations, let her know what I can do, and then let her decide if she would prefer I withdraw. Then, I call to cancel the dress if appropriate.

There's just too much chance of miscommunication there with the shop... call to ask if I can cancel, they say yes, cancel, and then I stay in the wedding.... I dunno. I just wouldn't get the shop involved until I'm sure what I want to do. I mean, I totally get why she did it that way, just saying it wasn't (IMO) the best way.

The shop has definitely demonstrated a lack of awareness of how to deal with their customers!
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: Twik on February 14, 2020, 03:27:33 pm
On general principles, other people can't spend your money or order you to spend it.

Yes, bowing out of an outrageously expensive bachelorette may end the friendship. But seriously, if a friend wants to impoverish you for her entertainment, do you really want to have them as a friend?

This story *could* be true, although it's testing the limits. It seems some people have bought into the "champagne dreams" of the very wealthy that they see in the media, even when they aren't in that economic level.
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: katiekat2009 on February 16, 2020, 08:48:23 am
I was in a similar situation as a income-challenged, young, newly married person. My sister and my best friends had their weddings a day apart. I, regretfully, due to cost and overlapping activities, had to say I couldn't be in my best friend's wedding. She pretty much wrote me off after that.
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: BeagleMommy on February 17, 2020, 11:34:10 am
I kind of stopped believing this at the part about the bride telling the bridesmaids that they must each buy her a separate gift from her registry.

Yeah. The story is too over the top.
But in any case, no matter what the bride "demands", the bridesmaids do not HAVE to comply. Don't want to do the trip? Just say so and bow out. Don't want to spend $$$ on a gift? Buy what you want. What is the bride going to do?

Assuming the story is true, the BM should have just let the bride know that she wouldn't be able to serve after all, and THEN canceled the dress. Not having done that, she should of course admit it was her. All the people in the story are acting like 5-year olds.

What did the DJs advise?

The general consensus from the DJs and the listening audience was for the BM to come clean to the bride and let the chips fall where they may.
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: Lkdrymom on February 17, 2020, 05:17:43 pm
I don't think there was anything wrong with the store calling the bride.....usually bridesmaid dresses are tied to a bridal party.  When I was getting married I told my bridesmaids that my mother could do the alterations to save them money.  My mother had to practically rebuild the maid of honors dress.  One of my other maids said her dress fit perfectly.  I asked to see it but she kept making excuses. A week before the wedding the store called and asked why this bridesmaid never picked up her dress. She had been lying to me all the time. She did pick it up and it looked terrible on her as it was not fitted properly at all.

The caller should have been upfront with the bride that she could not afford to go on the trip.  As far as gifts, she is not required to buy anything on the registry.  If the bride decided to drop her maybe she would only be out the deposit on the dress.
Title: Re: Lots of Angst and Rudeness
Post by: LifeOnPluto on February 28, 2020, 10:08:40 pm
I don't think there was anything wrong with the store calling the bride.....usually bridesmaid dresses are tied to a bridal party.  When I was getting married I told my bridesmaids that my mother could do the alterations to save them money.  My mother had to practically rebuild the maid of honors dress.  One of my other maids said her dress fit perfectly.  I asked to see it but she kept making excuses. A week before the wedding the store called and asked why this bridesmaid never picked up her dress. She had been lying to me all the time. She did pick it up and it looked terrible on her as it was not fitted properly at all.


I wonder who paid for the bridesmaid's dress? If it was the BM, then it was a transaction strictly between the BM and the store - and the store had no right whatsoever to phone the bride and tell her.

If the bride was paying for the dresses, it's a bit more acceptable - I can picture the story calling her to confirm that that particular order was to be cancelled.

Either way, I think the BM's decision to try to cancel the dress first (before speaking to the bride) may at best have been slightly hurtful, but it pales in comparison to the bride's greediness and tackiness (who the heck dictates that there can be no group gifts?!).