Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.


Messages - Xainte

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 9
1
Life in General / Re: How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
« on: June 02, 2024, 12:45:36 pm »
Quote from: TootsNYC on May 29, 2024, 01:17:43 pm
Quote from: Aleko on May 14, 2024, 01:10:59 am
Quote
But she does sometimes comment on Facebook posts of get-togethers that don’t include her to say, in effect, “How come I wasn’t invited?” The answer to that is, cuz you don’t bother showing up!

If she does that, I think it’s perfectly reasonable to give her the true answer (privately, don’t put this out for the world to see) in as cheerful and un-snarky way as you can. Something along the lines of ‘Because I know that when you say yes to a get-together there’s only a 30% chance you’ll actually show up, so I don’t invite you to anything where having someone no-show without any warning or explanation is going to matter. I really do like to see you, but not to the extent of paying for a movie ticket or booked meal that you may or may not show up for.’


I agree. I think people deserve to be given feedback. It’s part of the scientific method, no?
And it’s also how people learn. “I sometimes don’t show up, but nobody seems to mind” isn’t helpful for her to think.

Yes.  I had to say this to a flaky friend, it wasn't confrontational or anything but it was very matter of fact.  She had asked why I didn't tell her about "X" event because she would have "tried" to make it.  She is someone who hems and haws and never confirms one way or the other without a lot of chasing and half the time bails in the end anyway.  I used to chase, then get mad and finally wised the hell up.

I rarely invite her to anything anymore, it's not worth it.  It's one of the reasons our friendship has cooled dramatically.

I told her it was because I needed a firm answer pretty much right away and this event was of the kind that a no show means someone else loses out because seating was limited.  The old Xainte would have wrung her hands about offending her but I agree with Toots, sometimes they need to hear it and they need to know that it affects others.

It's really one of my big pet peeves, treating someone's friendship, hospitality and time with so little respect

2
Life in General / Re: How to respond in a nice way but still convey my message
« on: May 16, 2024, 12:22:07 pm »
Personally I would not respond on FB,  I would completely ignore her comment.  I would reach out privately if you want to address this and I sure don't blame you for wanting to. 

Her flaky lack of respect for your hospitality and your time is rude and she has been getting away with it to some extent.

I get it, I have friends like that too and my patience for it now is gone. 

But you know you didn't miss her communication.  I would tell her, plainly but nicely that if you're going to continue to invite her you deserve the basic courtesy of showing up.  Or at least telling you if something comes up and she can't make it. 

3
Life in General / Re: Nesting Parties
« on: January 05, 2024, 02:27:22 pm »
Well, I would feel the same about this as I do about baby showers.  They should be extended to people you have more than a nominal relationship with.

A friend or family member you actually see and spend time with?  Sure.

Would they invite me to their pool party, BBQ or a family event?  No?  Don't do me any favours then.

I'm sure there are plenty of people who think it can't hurt to ask and people can always say no.  All true.  But it shows people what you think of them - not enough to really have a relationship with but a source of cash, gifts or free labour. 

4
Life in General / Re: Is it just me?
« on: December 31, 2023, 10:14:16 am »
It wouldn't sit right with me either.  I wouldn't chase them for an answer or a decision, sometimes people have to be left in the dust.

Of course it doesn't mean you're writing her off as a friend but I would feel like a back up, a plan B.


5
Life in General / Re: Friend gave me a child's toy as a gift, and things got weird
« on: December 10, 2022, 11:33:46 am »
I wouldn't know what to make of that either, I would be wondering if I'm missing something.

It seems like a forced teaching moment if that's what it was, in hindsight maybe a better and more natural "teaching moment" would have been to try to get Billy to consider what other people might best enjoy.  That sure doesn't seem to have happened here.  I could be way out to lunch but it seems like Sue really wanted Billy to see someone else get a gift he wanted and.... lucky you!

It isn't normal for adults to get child's toys if they aren't some type of collector.  You thanked them kindly but I don't see an etiquette "fail" for not knowing if you were reading it right.

 

6
Life in General / Re: We both know that's not true
« on: October 23, 2022, 03:33:19 pm »
Quote from: bopper on October 21, 2022, 01:05:13 pm
"You know, I don't think that we do based on what you have told me before. But it might seem that way because we prioritize different things in spending."


It might be that she is talking about take home pay....She may have a bigger mortgage/home equity loan/student loans and doesn't have as much discretionary incomes.
She may value things and you may value travel.  She may value eating out but you value something else but eat in to save money.

That could be a good response actually.  Everyone has different priorities for how they spend their money and as long as you're being responsible that's fine. 

7
The Work Day / Re: How early is on time?
« on: October 11, 2022, 05:01:29 pm »
 
Yeah, not adding anything groundbreaking here when I agree.  I think there is an "early is virtuous" mentality and of course there is nothing wrong with being early as long as you aren't rushing or inconveniencing others.

But starting on the important stuff?  No, stick to your timetable and mean what you say.  Nobody should have to play guessing games about what the intent is.  I usually give people a couple of minutes grace when I start a virtual meeting in case there are technical issues.


8
Life in General / Re: Sticky Situation (involving religion)
« on: September 29, 2022, 01:48:25 pm »
If I'm being honest this would be something I would "white lie" about.  Maybe it's wrong but it's the kind of thing that people might say rotely, not the sort of thing people follow up on.

So I see it as no harm, no foul just to say sure, I'll do that.

9
Family and Children / Re: Is "No Bad Days" good signage for a school?
« on: August 21, 2022, 02:19:52 pm »
Quote from: RubyCat on August 20, 2022, 07:41:17 pm
Maybe it's because I was in grade school in the '70's but there's no way a "No Bad Days" sign would have traumatized me.  Maybe I was just oblivious.  Maybe I'm a Pollyanna.  I think it's a just a nice, happy thought and in no way invalidating.

I agree, I would have been oblivious or rolled my eyes and walked on.  I don't think it's Pollyanna-ish to not have a bad reaction to the sign.  Yeah, sure, it's not going to turn around someone's bad day but I can't help think that even the most innocuous thing could strike the wrong chord with someone, somewhere.

10
Life in General / Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
« on: July 29, 2022, 10:12:48 am »
Quote from: Jem on July 27, 2022, 01:11:55 pm
Quote from: lowspark on July 27, 2022, 11:43:22 am
Quote from: Xainte on July 25, 2022, 01:49:31 pm
I care about them and don't want to write them off.  Other mutual friends say to keep inviting them, don't give up on them but I get the impression they can do things when they want to or need to so the flaking is starting to wear at me. 

What does everyone think?  How much do you tolerate?

Invite them to things where it doesn't matter if they show or not. Don't schedule lunch out with just them. But maybe invite them to a gathering where their presence doesn't make or break the event.

When you and your friends are going the route of continuing to invite them, is it for their sake, i.e., wanting to include them as a way of helping them to remain active socially? Or for you sake, because you really like and want to see them?

If it's for your sake, then only you can decide when the reward is no longer worth the risk, so to speak.

If it's for theirs then remember what they tell us on airplanes, put your mask on first before you help others. In other words, taking care of yourself necessarily comes first.

This is good advice. I would add that I wouldn't say anything that would lead the "flaky" person to believe that their behavior is okay. So nothing like, "that's okay," or "no problem." I would tell them directly that their behavior bothers and upsets me.

I would say both, I've dithered in the past about whether an invitation was just going to stress them out but then thought this is how people become isolated.  And of course we want to keep seeing them!  So I'd say it was a mix of both motives.

Most invitations do matter, more or less, if they show even if it's just the amount of food I buy or the time and scheduling I put into arranging things.  It's relatively minor, I admit, but lately I've been wondering why bother.

11
Life in General / Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
« on: July 25, 2022, 03:17:29 pm »
Right, for the failure to commit one way or the other I just treat it as a no.  No chasing ( I used to chase, then get mad until I finally did myself a favour and made the decision for them ).

But I tend to agree with you Jem, this is getting old.  I had a chat with a mutual friend who makes a lot of excuses for her saying things like well she's just super comfortable with us because we don't put any pressure on her. 

Well, yes I want her to be comfortable with me and I don't want to pressure her ( and in fact have gone out of my way to make sure she knows I'm not offended with no ).  But I don't want someone to be comfortable being rude!




12
Life in General / Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
« on: July 25, 2022, 01:49:31 pm »
Reviving this topic because i was wondering about how much leeway you would give someone who is struggling with anxiety etc?  I have someone close where I am sure that high stress and high anxiety is fuelling a lot of flaky behaviour , cancelling plans ( even plans they initiate ), not committing, not returning phone calls etc.

I'm trying to be patient and understanding.  I don't bombard with frequent invitations and when I do issue an invitation I try to keep everything low key but you can only be bailed on so often before you start to wonder if you should bother anymore.  I mean this has been a couple of years now.

I care about them and don't want to write them off.  Other mutual friends say to keep inviting them, don't give up on them but I get the impression they can do things when they want to or need to so the flaking is starting to wear at me. 

What does everyone think?  How much do you tolerate?

13
Life in General / Re: No Dogs Allowed
« on: July 19, 2022, 09:46:56 am »
 Hopefully it won't actually come to pass that anyone shows up with their dogs despite the repeated warnings.  I don't usually like to engage in wild speculation about remote possibilities but I don't know, this doesn't seem far fetched. 

At least real enough that I would be planning for the what ifs.

Only the OP knows the people involved and whether this is a stunt they think they're capable of pulling although i can easily envision a scenario where the relative in question, even if they don't quite dare to show up at the venue with their dogs might show up at the OP's house, dogs in tow,  all big eyes and that guilty/defiant/defensive look on their face. 

It just seems that if "those" dog owners have never actually had to deal with the less fun aspects of having a dog and have always been accommodated ( happily or with gritted teeth ) then they might assume everyone will jump through hoops to fix it for them.

So then there's what do they do if faced with it?  Turn them away?  Tell them to figure it out right quick but no dogs are setting foot in the house / garage?

I know I wouldn't want to do the work of "dealing" with the dogs.


14
Life in General / Re: No Dogs Allowed
« on: July 17, 2022, 04:05:37 pm »
I concur with the concerns about offering the garage although I know it is being done out of a generous spirit.  But I'm not sure giving an inch in this respect is a good idea. 

I've dealt with my share of ill behaved dogs and their entitled / oblivious owners.  The dogs just take over, whether it's the owners spoiling them and treating them like actual children or just the general high maintenance nature of dogs, I have visions of dogs in your garage becoming a real disruption to the day you've planned when their owners inevitably need to attend to them.

Just an opinion but I would wouldn't make this easy for anyone who disregards the no dogs rule. 


15
Life in General / Re: Discussion on FB making "flakiness" ok?
« on: July 15, 2022, 02:02:05 pm »

It's understandable that people need to check calendars and schedules before they commit but they can't leave people hanging.

I think if you can't commit in a reasonable timeframe then say no or if it's an unavoidable reason then at least advise the hosts of the situation.  Speaking for myself if you can't get it together to commit within a certain timeframe I would rather you just said no.   

Don't get me wrong, I understand needing to check.  I do too.  But it seems lot of people say maybe and then never confirm one way or the other.

I don't chase people anymore if they don't answer me back. 

 

Pages: [1] 2 3 ... 9