Bad Manners and Brimstone

I also like the hotel and/or meet in a neutral location solution, but if that is not possible, what about making dishwashing your "thank you for your hospitality" chore while you are there?  "No, no, I insist, you've been so kind, do let me help out!" (and then you do the dishes YOUR way).   You not only get clean dishes, but you also receive a gold star for being a grateful and helpful guest.  Most friends will not mind this kind of help, unless they are afraid you are going to accidentally break the heirloom crystal.

I wonder if his method is for reasons of economy or of drought, where saving every possible drop of water is encouraged? --but surely he would have mentioned this in other regards (please take short showers, etc.).

Also--he may just not really know how it's "supposed" to be done.   I had a boyfriend who did actually ask me "why are you using hot water to wash/rinse the dishes?" -- his parents literally never taught him how --maybe they always had a dishwashing machine to do it for them.    Maybe you just need a "DUDE! You gotta use fresh hot water here!" moment, said in a kind/amused/hey everybody knows this were you at the corner store when they handed out the memo? head-shaking/smiling kind of tone, acknowledging how cutely quirky he is.  "Here let me show you".   I had to ask a friend for another plate once because she for some reason decided to put her bare palm right on the top of it before passing it over to me-!--she also picked up glasses by the rim, both actions squicked me out so I just flat out asked for another set and said why.  I know you can't necessarily get away with that kind of directness in every relationship, but sometimes you can.

My workday did not start well, as I "missed" most of a meeting I was on time for.  In retrospect, maybe I should
be grateful, instead, that I didn't have to sit through the whole thing--but interested to hear your perspectives on it.

I logged onto a what was supposed to be a short virtual work meeting today a few minutes ahead of its scheduled start time, only to find that the other three participants were already on board and about two-thirds of the way through the entire agenda. At a pause in the conversation, the meeting host (my boss) acknowledged/greeted me; and I responded, "You're already discussing this?  Am I late? --looking at clock, answering my own question: No, I am not late."   She then said she'd catch me up, and proceeded then to recap the meeting. 

Although we were all scheduled for the same meeting time, the other three --perhaps in the "if you're early you're on time, and if you're on time, you're late" mentality--all jumped on board early and then...just started the discussion.  I felt this was disrespectful to me--if my attendance is required, then please wait until the scheduled starting time to start, or start when I get there (whichever comes first--and if I had been late, then by all means, begin without me).  And, if you can get two-thirds of the way through the agenda without me, then maybe my attendance is not really necessary-!?- which is OK by me, but let me know so I can go on to other work.

I personally despise the "if you're on time, you're late" mindset -- it reeks of gamesmanship while I prefer "say what you mean, and mean what you say" direct-style communication where a meeting for 9 AM starts at 9 AM-- however, it appears I am required to play this game whether I like it or not. So, here's the question-- what is considered "early on time"?  Out of curiosity, I checked the meeting log and saw the first coworker had already been logged in 15 minutes before the actual scheduled starting time.   Is that the standard? Is there a standard?  What has been your experience? 

Hi-!  New to the forum and looking for some fresh perspective.  Here's the story:

Friend Gina moved out of town several years ago, and haven’t been able to see her much since then, however she was going to be visiting for a few hours so we planned to have lunch together with mutual friend Olivia at a local cafe.

Due to pandemic restrictions, the cafe did not offer table service as usual, but instead , orders were taken at a window and then food was delivered to your outdoor table.  Gina arrived early.   When Olivia and I arrived,  Gina told us that she had already stood in line and ordered the food and that it was her treat, in honor of Olivia’s upcoming birthday (she would not let me chip in any share, insisting it was entirely her treat).   We hadn’t discussed this ahead of time, but it is typical of generous Gina, as well as an extra  kindness to Olivia who has mobility issues and would have been uncomfortable standing in the long line.  Gina had ordered a variety of soups, salads, and breads.  As the food started arriving at the table, she asked Olivia and I “hostess” type questions-- were these choices okay,  who wanted which soup,  “is this what you would have ordered?”  etc.  Olivia’s answer to the last was “I was planning on having the fish”.  Olivia immediately jumped up and went to stand in line again to order fish.

The line to order was still quite long, and we lost Gina for close to twenty precious minutes while she waited in line.  In retrospect, I probably should have offered to stand in line instead so that at least Gina and Olivia could chat with each other (Olivia and I can see each other any time) , but honestly I am not a quick thinker.  In the meantime,  the food that had already been delivered just kind of sat there, as did Olivia and I, waiting for Gina to come back.

We ended up with entirely too much food;  Olivia ended up taking home the majority of the excess.   

I felt both dismayed and irritated at Olivia.   If your hostess (albeit your surprise hostess) has already provided you with an adequate meal,  it seems somewhat rude to mention what you might rather be eating instead,  implying that what is offered isn’t good enough.  Olivia just literally answered the question put to her, without offering any reassurance that her needs would be met otherwise.   If she’d have said, “Well I usually order the fish, but this all looks great, thanks, no need for anything else,  pass the bread and butter!” then okay, but she didn’t, she let Gina go stand in line again while the soup got cold.    Olivia can visit that cafe any day of the week and get the fish  (avoiding the line by calling her order in), so it’s not like this was her only chance.

However, I also realized later that if Gina didn’t want to do this, she wouldn’t have.  What’s it to me if she wants to indulge Olivia for her birthday?  It is not a huge burden to wait a little longer to eat while she takes care of her friend.    Olivia didn’t demand fish, whine for fish, or pout because she didn't have fish, she just said that she would have ordered fish, and Gina acted on it.    I also acknowledge that this would not be happening if Gina and Oliva carried and used their cell phones like normal people, (lol) --Gina could have called from the line and asked us what Olivia  wanted to eat, problem solved, and we all get to use our time with Gina to the utmost.

 So what do you think?  Was it ungracious for Olivia not to have accepted what had already been provided, even if her heart was set on fish?   Was my dismay and irritation misplaced or unwarranted? Is the surprise aspect of Gina's hosting a factor?    Thanks for reading this long!