Bad Manners and Brimstone

Did you do the "bring a book in lieu of a card" thing?

I would be surprised by that.  My go-to baby gift IS a few books.  So to me, it would feel rather like asking for two gifts instead of one.

Besides, a book costs quite a bit more than a card, and I very rarely purchase printed cards at all; I just use a pretty notecard.  So to me that would feel pushy -- "Buy us another gift 'in lieu of' something you weren't going to do in the first place."

Now, a Book Shower, at which the guests were requested to bring books AS their gifts to create a library for Baby -- that I would LOVE.

I know this kind of thing bothers many people, but not me.  There is a big range of situations where there is more than one wedding, and they are just so different.

- Couple can't decide whether to get married in her town or his, so they have two big "public" (not in the sense that all are invited, just as opposed to private and unannounced) weddings, but they hold themselves out as married after the first one.
- Couple had a "public" wedding of some kind with guests and then decides that due to circumstances they were unable to have as big or as nice a wedding as they'd dreamed, so just a year or two later, they have another one (even if they call it a "vow renewal"). 

These and like situations strike me as way off.  At best, another ceremony would seem silly, as if the first vows were meaningless.  And that's whether or not the first or the second ceremony was the "official" one (i.e., recognized by the government).  But they seem very different to me from situations like these:

- Wedding is planned for later, but one or both are about to be deployed and in case of tragedy, they want to be sure the survivor gets rights (this is what my aunt and uncle did during WWII: secretly married before he was deployed and had the modest wedding they had planned anyway after he returned).
- Wedding is planned for later, but a medical crisis suddenly arose, and for reasons such as insurance, survivor benefits, and establishment as status as Family for hospital visitation, etc., they marry privately immediately.
- Wedding is planned for later, but a parent is about to die, so they have a private bedside ceremony and then continue with the wedding as planned later.  (We have friends who did this; it was very touching.  It was not a secret, and the dying mother did manage to make it to the BWW a couple of months later after all, and died shortly after.  Everyone was very happy for them to have done it this way.)
- There are still countries where same-sex (or sometimes different-religion couples) cannot officially marry, although their marriages performed elsewhere are recognized as valid.  This was the case in the various US states for a few years, I'm sure you recall.  So couples go to a jurisdiction where they can marry officially, either before or after a wedding with their family and friends back in their community, rather than dragging everyone to the other location.  Surely no one begrudges them or their families that.

And then there are situations such as my husband has run into several times as a clergyman.  Say you want to get married in a state where the officiant you want is not licensed.  You can pay a few hundred dollars for a one-time permit, or you can just go to City Hall a few days before or after the wedding and do a private civil ceremony.  Or if you want to get married in some other country where it's complicated.  This happens a LOT, believe me.  We almost did it ourselves, when we learned that Wisconsin, where our wedding was to be, required both people showing up in person for the license three weeks in advance; we were all set to have a City Hall marriage in Boston, where we lived, first until we learned that for $30 Wisconsin would waive the three week requirement (WTF?  Then why require it?  But I digress).  If you've been to many weddings, I bet you have been to at least one such, and you never knew it.  And why would you care?

We have seen several people saying that what makes the difference to them is whether the couple is open about it or keeps it a secret; they feel like it's fraudulent not to tell and that they don't like that they are not seeing the moment when the couple is actually wed.  I'm not sure why that seems so important or why it's anyone else's business, but then, previous generations felt the same way about public display of a bloody sheet after the wedding night!  And at least in the US, you aren't seeing The Moment anyway -- the marriage becomes official for legal purposes not when they say "I do,' but when the officiant signs and files the license.  If The Moment for you is the "I do" before community and/or God, then you're seeing it anyway, no matter when the couple did the legal bona fides.

And in many countries, including, I believe, the UK, you must have a civil marriage at a government office in addition to any other kind of wedding you have.  I don't think that makes the wedding a sham or a lie or anything else.

So for me, I roll my eyes at people who just want to have things more than one way -- like both destination wedding and BWW at home, or any kind of multiple "public" weddings for more attention.  But for situations like the ones above, I honestly don't think it's anyone else's business whether the government requirements were met at the same time as The Wedding.

Whoops!  I need to read more carefully. 

I usually enjoy most of the activities and games.  I'd suggest not to have too too many; I have been to one or two showers where there were so many things we had to make and do and guess and write out that it got a little exhausting!  I did once win a nice coffee mug, though. 

Maybe because I worked retail for years returning the gifts only to re purchase struck me as unethical. Lots of extra work for the employees processing the returns.

I see.  I think I once heard before that it's bad to return things to stores because it's extra work for the employees.  But I don't understand.  I assume they are paid by the hour.  So how is it "extra" work, let alone "unethical"?  Unless they are passing up commissions other clerks get while they process returns, what difference does it make whether they are processing a return, processing a sale, helping a shopper, tidying the dressing rooms or the displays, or any other task?

With all due respect to lowspark (all hail Lowspark!), I'd omit

Suzy and Tommy are registered at BabyStore.
Please consider shipping your gift directly to their home in faraway-city.
1234 Main
FarawayCity

It's not a shower.  So "your gift" feels to me kind of like a demand for a gift, or anyway a clear expectation of one.  I mean, if you're going to do that, call it a shower.

I know I am such a stickler on this, but consider that such a paragraph is not even necessary, because:

1) The guests are all going to get gifts for this baby at some point anyway, no matter what you call the party (I bet many won't even notice what it's called, and most will just think of it as "DD#1's shower" anyway no matter what you call it), so no need to risk appearing to even a few to push them to do so or to be overly anxious that someone might not get a gift if not prompted.

2) And they all know that DD#1 lives out of town, and none of them was born yesterday.  So they all know that she will have to get them home somehow and that they can order something to be shipped.  "Please consider shipping" seems like it's just a suggestion, but I think it is going to come across as just like prettied-up wording for "You do the shipping," which several people said would strike them wrong.  They will think of that on their own if that's what they want to do.  If they don't, she can pack or ship them herself; there may not be too many or too large to pack in their bags.  So all it will mean is that a few people will ask her or you for her address.  Those who order from stores where they are registered won't even need to do that.

Ordinarily I'd omit registry info, too, but that ship seems to have sailed for showers.  I think you can get away with it, especially if it's just discreetly in there somewhere.

Mazal tov!  I'm so happy for you.

I wouldn't put too much thought into what you want to be called.  The first grandchild names the grandparents, and often, no matter what anyone told them to call you, it ends up being MooMoo or something.  And you love it.

One of my friends' grandchildren call her "Happy."  Another is "Q."

In my case, I had neither a choice nor a kid-created name.  Nana, Grandma, and Bubbie are all "taken" in our family.  I figured the Jerusalem grandmother would be Savta (Hebrew for Grandmother), so I thought maybe I could be Granny -- it sounds so cheerful, like a Granny Smith apple.  Nope.  Jerusalem grandmother, who is originally from Iran, is Mamani, the Farsi word for grandmother (grandfather is Babajoon), and my daughter informed us we would be Savta and Saba -- I didn't even get a vote!  I was kind of waiting for the first kid to come up with something else, but he didn't.  But as you can imagine, it's the sweetest sound in my ear now. 

The only downside is that every public place is full of little voices calling "Savta!" so I'm always turning around.

I agree with almost everyone else that it is a "know your audience," or maybe "know the group," situation.  And when it comes to family, well, times two. 

Your last post adds a couple of informative details, though:

1. There was an "invitation." You didn't describe the invitation, though, so that still doesn't tell us much.  If it was a written invitation or even an evite, as opposed to just mentioning it to you in a phone call or email letting you know the date and time of the graduation, then it would seem that, absent family custom otherwise, they should be paying. 

2. There is no mention of who is paying in the invitation.  Your original post made it sound like you know they aren't, not like a hypothetical.  If the reason you think so is that this is what the family usually does -- well, then, my answer is that maybe it's not how I would do it, but it is "correct" within this family's etiquette. 

And a big mazal tov from me!

I hear your concerns.  Of course you have them.  But it doesn't sound like any of them are things you can control or change.  So what's left is to remind yourself to try not to worry about things you can't change, especially things that haven't happened yet and probably won't at all, almost certainly not exactly in the ways you anticipate them happening, and definitely not all at once. 

But what you CAN do is be supportive of your daughter.  She probably has all the same worries and fears that you have.  Be there for her to listen to them and reassure her that whatever happens, she won't be in it alone.  You'll be right there with her.

And you can enjoy being a grandmother!  I love it.  Most people do.  Your daughter is so lucky to have you right there.  You and that baby will have a very special bond.

Yeah, I don't think to goodie bag or not to goodie bag is the main issue.

She needs to find out if they are coming, period.  Her sister needs to know how much food to provide, too.

I don't think that it is a big deal to text or call two cousins and ask rather than risk possibly setting everyone up for an awkward or embarrassing situation.  Things do slip people's minds.