Dug this one out of my e-mail...
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named
FRANK, who was visiting Texas:
Recently I was honored to be selected as an
outstanding Famous celebrity in
Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no
one else wanted to do
it. Also the original person called in sick at the
last moment, and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges (Native
Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,
and besides they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chilli # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You
could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to
put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.
Chilli # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue)? with a hint of pork.
Slight jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not
sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the
Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
beer line.
Chilli # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
(editors note.....anybody
who knows beans about Texas chili knows that chili
dont have beans)
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick.
Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use
of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've
located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
now and got out of my way so I could make it to the
beer wagon. Sally, the 6'2" blonde barmaid, pounded
me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest.
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills so I
wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more
tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer
focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had
given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of
irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous flames. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in
canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note
that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears
to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull
the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just
suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither
mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was
unable to respond)