Author Topic: How to be supportive after loss of a family member during a pandemic.  (Read 486 times)

SureJan

My boyfriend and I found out last night that one of our friends lost their parent in a fairly trauma inducing way
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Normally my go-to in a situation like this is to make a large tray of food and bring it over while sitting with the family/just *being* there but right now the second isn't possible and I'm not sure the first is something that would be welcome.  I'm always wary of having food delivered because it can be difficult to know when people will be available and I don't want to cause more of a hassle. 

This is someone we both like a lot (and in fact one of only 2 sets of friends that we have seen since March - socially distanced of course) but that I only really got to know late last year (my boyfriend has been friends with her and her husband for years but it just never really worked out for us to meet prior to that) so I want to be supportive without looking like a "grief vulture" 

So basically I was wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation (on either side) and what they did or found the most helpful. 

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Jem

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This is not going to be a one size fits all answer. Only people who actually know the people grieving will be able to answer how best to support them. After my husband died a group of friends donated money to provide me with a significant value of gift cards for a local grocery store - I very much appreciated that, especially because I don't enjoy the types of food people often bring (like casseroles or heavy dishes). That might be a good option for you here?
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Winterlight

Yeah, I think a gift card would be a safe choice. Maybe to somewhere like Fred Meyer, if you have one locally (all purpose store, you can buy groceries, furniture, clothes, tools, etc) or a restaurant you know they like.
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PVZFan

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I'll third gift cards to a grocery store or restaurant. In my husband's family, it's common to send a check to help cover unexpected expenses. Finally, a memorial donation if you're aware of where to contribute.
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BeagleMommy

What a terrible situation for your friend.

I would also recommend a gift card to a local grocery store or restaurant you know they like.  After that, a phone call (or Zoom call) expressing your condolences and letting your friend know you are available if they need anything.
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Xainte

This is not going to be a one size fits all answer. Only people who actually know the people grieving will be able to answer how best to support them. After my husband died a group of friends donated money to provide me with a significant value of gift cards for a local grocery store - I very much appreciated that, especially because I don't enjoy the types of food people often bring (like casseroles or heavy dishes). That might be a good option for you here?

I agree.  I was widowed young and suddenly.  What I found helpful was just people helping with all the details I wasn't prepared for - the executorship, the funeral planning, the financials etc. 
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SureJan

Thank you everyone, a gift card is a great idea and probably what we will end up doing. 
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Winterlight

This is not going to be a one size fits all answer. Only people who actually know the people grieving will be able to answer how best to support them. After my husband died a group of friends donated money to provide me with a significant value of gift cards for a local grocery store - I very much appreciated that, especially because I don't enjoy the types of food people often bring (like casseroles or heavy dishes). That might be a good option for you here?

I agree.  I was widowed young and suddenly.  What I found helpful was just people helping with all the details I wasn't prepared for - the executorship, the funeral planning, the financials etc.

When one of my friends was widowed unexpectedly several years ago, she asked me to spend the day with her while she did paperwork she was stalling on. She needed me to sit with her, not actually do much, but just be there, and I did.
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betty

It's tough because grief is different for everyone.

My father passed away recently. A friend wanted to bring me a meal or flowers or something. I don't want or need any of that, and accepting any of that would be a burden for me.

It's enough to me that she was available by phone when he was in the hospital. That was truly the most supportive thing she could have done, giving me someone to talk to when I just needed to talk to someone.

Now I am dealing with banks and investment companies and insurance companies. (He had sold his home and moved into assisted living, or we'd have even more places to call.) I'm doing ok, but it would be super helpful if someone else would call those places for me, and ask for the information we'll need to report his death. I've spent a lot of time on the phone to find out, "Mail a letter and the death certificate to this address." or "Fill in this form and send it to this address."
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STiG

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I think it is different for everyone, pandemic or not.

I agree, in this situation, that gift cards are the way to go.

When my FIL passed away, I offered to handle organizing the luncheon for after the service, since I am a member of the organization whose building we used and of the local church who usually manages the food for such things.  Double checked with my BIL that he was ok with that and I ran with it.  Gave me something to do and something for other family to do, who wanted to help - I got them to bring some desserts.  And then my union gave me an honorarium because of his passing so I didn't even have to bother MIL with how much anything cost because the honorarium pretty much covered the cost.
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bopper

My husband passed away in August...

We got (too) many fruit baskets.
I liked one with some fruit and cheese and the edible fruit arrangements.

Some people brought food over...but if you get too much at once it is hard to deal with.

We got some plants and flowers.  Those are lovely.

Somethings I thought were great:

Gift Certificate to our favorite mexican restaurant...we could Doordash that
Basket of Italian Food...pasta/sauces/salami, etc.  Provides dinner but no immediate rush
After a few weeks..a thing of flavored popcorn.

I would actually suggest sending a card now, but then send some food later as it is nice to get something after the initial rush is over (or do both)
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gellchom

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Wow, this is tough.  I agree about gift cards for this one.

I would avoid saying something like "I'm here if you need anything" or "Call me if I can do anything."  No one would do that, except your very best friend, and they would anyway without your saying that.  Instead, during non-pandemic times, don't say "I'm here if you need me" -- just be there.

One thing I have found that is helpful and useful is to offer to take care of any small errands or tasks that are hard to get to when you are overwhelmed and exhausted at a time like this.  A text like "I'm going to [or putting in an order at] the grocery store and Target; send me your list.  Also stopping at library and cleaners if you have errands there" is much easier to respond to. 

One of our friends drops off toilet paper, paper towels, coffee, maybe milk, etc. -- things that can run out quickly at such times, especially if there are people visiting, so no one needs to run to the store, and that they will use eventually anyway even if they don't need it now.
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STiG

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I would actually suggest sending a card now, but then send some food later as it is nice to get something after the initial rush is over (or do both)

This is a great idea!
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VorFemme

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Following with interest.  In very nearly the same situation

My younger brother lost his wife last week.  She was an only child, who had one child by an earlier marriage.  Brother and stepson were at her bed, she died at home on hospice care. 

Due to location, nobody lives close, no one can travel to his area, and they were not church members...so very limited social circle (cancer diagnosis had her retiring early, and concentrating on medical matters).  He was either with her or at work... 

I know that some money has been sent...but I have my own hands full with a husband in recovery from cancer treatment last year...and life in 2020 is not what it was last year...I want to do the right thing...but I can't figure out the right thing in this complicated year.

SureJan

My husband passed away in August...

We got (too) many fruit baskets.
I liked one with some fruit and cheese and the edible fruit arrangements.

Gift Certificate to our favorite mexican restaurant...we could Doordash that
I would actually suggest sending a card now, but then send some food later as it is nice to get something after the initial rush is over (or do both)

Bopper, I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine what you are going through right now.  When my best friend's mom died, she did say, several months later that the edible arrangement was the food item the family appreciated the most, I think in part because it was so easy to eat without being overwhelming.  I like the idea of a gift card to a restaurant where they can order delivery (or takeout)

One of our friends drops off toilet paper, paper towels, coffee, maybe milk, etc. -- things that can run out quickly at such times, especially if there are people visiting, so no one needs to run to the store, and that they will use eventually anyway even if they don't need it now.
Gellchom, thank you, this is a great idea and feeds my deep-seated need to *do* something.  I've got a decent stash of hand sanitizer and things that are still a bit hard to find in my area that I'm sure would be appreciated if they are spending more time out of the house with funeral arrangements and things like that. 

(Pro-Tip for people still in need of supplies or looking to re-up for winter - I was able to use a restaurant supply store website and ordered hand sanitizer, face masks and staples like a 24 case of tomato paste when none of those things were available in stores - the tomato paste was 1/2 of what it normally is in the store and will last us at least a year)

Following with interest.  In very nearly the same situation

My younger brother lost his wife last week.  She was an only child, who had one child by an earlier marriage.  Brother and stepson were at her bed, she died at home on hospice care. 

Due to location, nobody lives close, no one can travel to his area, and they were not church members...so very limited social circle (cancer diagnosis had her retiring early, and concentrating on medical matters).  He was either with her or at work... 

I know that some money has been sent...but I have my own hands full with a husband in recovery from cancer treatment last year...and life in 2020 is not what it was last year...I want to do the right thing...but I can't figure out the right thing in this complicated year.

VorFemme, I'm so sorry for your families loss - my aunt's husband died early this summer (not covid related) and she was in a similar situation, they had moved fora temporary placement for her job not terribly long before it happened and she was basically stranded in an unknown city by herself.  She has since been able to transfer back to a city where they lived for many years and is surrounded by friends which has helped a lot.

I hope your husband is recovering nicely, my dad had 2 *very* unexpected heart surgeries in September and I've spent the last 6 weeks in despair because I can't go visit/help my mom with his recovery.  He's doing much better, but I'm a *doer* and all this sitting around doing *nothing* is really getting to me.  2020 has just been awful in terms of making everyone feel helpless.  I feel really blessed that I got to see most of my family at the tail end of February - they came down to help me celebrate a milestone birthday and at the time I was a little overwhelmed by how much we celebrated (I'm a huge introvert and we went out 5 times in one weekend!! with various family members and family friends with little "recovery time" in between) but now all these months later it's a huge comfort especially knowing that it will probably be a "zoom holiday" this year.

Thank you everyone for the advice and for sharing your stories and similar experiences.