Bad Manners and Brimstone

An old friend of mine "Tina" was back in town this weekend. There were a group of us who used to spend a lot of time together around 10-15 years ago. We were in our twenties then, and now most of us are in our late thirties or early forties. Tina moved interstate about 10 years ago, and since then, the old group has largely moved on - many of us are married, some with kids, and most have moved to the suburbs, etc.

A couple of weeks ago, Tina sent a message via Facebook Messenger to the old gang (about ten people in total) saying that she'd be in town this weekend, and at "ABC Pub" in the city (an old haunt of ours) between 4-6pm on Saturday, and that she'd love to catch up with us all if we were free.

I responded to the group that DP and I would both be there. Another old friend (Liz) replied that she couldn't make it, but thanked Tina for the invitation. The other eight or so people mostly responded to Tina's post with emojis - thumbs up, and love hearts, etc. None of them actually said whether they'd make it or not.

Come today (Saturday) and DP and I were the only members of the old gang who turned up. We had a great time catching up with Tina (we were there for 3 hours, and the time flew by!) but I sensed Tina was a little disappointed that no one else had made it.

I can't help but feel that the people who responded with positive emojis were a bit rude - as they (the emojis) can be interpreted in different ways. Eg a thumbs up could mean "Sounds great, I'll be there!" or "Hey, haven't seen you in 10 years but it's lovely to hear from you" or "I have no intention of showing up, but I wish to show my vague appreciation for the fact that you're visiting our city". Frankly, if our old friends weren't intending to attend Tina's drinks, I think it would have been better if they hadn't responded at all, rather than with positive emojis which can be misleading.

What do people think? Is it ok to respond to an invitation with an emoji?

No it's not ok. They're treating the invitation like a comment instead of a question they need to answer. Like we all say at one time or another, "Use your words."

But you both learned something. Next time your friends use emojis as a response, follow up and ask exactly what they mean.

I'm glad you had a nice time catching up. I do think the best path would be for them to respond with some additional text. How hard is "sorry we can't make it".

But if a clicking a positive emoji is all they could handle, I think that is better than not responding at all.  I personally would assume any non-specific statement saying someone was attending would mean they were not planning to attend.

I do think if I were Tina, I'd probably have sent a follow up reminder text the day before and asking who would be joining. An informal invitation like that can easily be forgotten.

Can I also say, it is nice to hear of places that have pubs open and people can plan to visit with friends.

I usually can't make a commitment until closer to the day but I wouldn't dream of replying with an emoji. I would reply with "I would love to catch up but will let you know closer to the day" and then when I could confirm or decline I would let them know either way.

Honestly, I foresaw the outcome. The thumbs up (or really any reaction) is more of a "I saw this" acknowledgement and not any sort of commitment. It seems like people don't want to decline invitations so they just don't reply. I have always thought it better to decline, but maybe the norm is that only positive RSVP's are necessary? Either way, I hope that Tina was not to disappointed; it sounds like she still got a great afternoon with you.

Such a great example of how old school etiquette makes life easier. A real invitation; a direct yes or no response within an allotted time beats a casual offer over text, hands down in my book.

That was an invitation and deserved a yes or a no.  Those that gave a positive emoji also gave the impression (rightly or wrongly) that they at least planned to go (in my mind anyways).  Due to experience, I would not have counted on them though as this seems to be the usual.

One friend used to always say - I'll see!  or Maybe!!  and then I would end up re-asking close to the day, and it would be a no.  So I learned that anything other than a definite yes was a no.  And also not to invite her if the numbers really meant a lot (like for a small dinner party). 

I do think if I were Tina, I'd probably have sent a follow up reminder text the day before and asking who would be joining. An informal invitation like that can easily be forgotten.

This is exactly what I was thinking.
Clicking the like (or other) emoji on Facebook is, in my experience, an acknowledgement that you viewed it and, well, liked it. It is not a positive reply to a conversation. So it doesn't surprise me at all that those folks didn't show up.

In future, Tina might word the invitation better by asking for a reply either way.
In any case, Tina might have been disappointed anyway, even if those we weren't going to be able to join in had replied on Facebook. But yeah, at least she would have had advance warning.