Author Topic: You and Your Mother  (Read 2829 times)

baritone108

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You and Your Mother
« on: October 03, 2020, 06:45:34 pm »
I don't think I've ever seen this discussed here.  When will people realize they should not assume what the relationship between two people is?  Within the last 2 1/2 years I've had someone call a woman my mother out loud in front of both of us (she's younger than me) and had someone call me my friend's mother (she's about 5 yrs younger).  Again, out loud in front of both of us.  It's really mortifying regardless of whether you're the "mother" or the "child".

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bigbadbetty

Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2020, 07:21:25 pm »
My friend has somewhat similar problem except they are assuming he is not in a relationship. When he is accompanying his husband on a business trip, he has had the hotel clerk say there's been a mistake and their room only has one bed. The clerk offers to move them to a room with two beds. And then he has to explain that no, he is actually OK sharing a bed with his husband.
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Winterlight

Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2020, 07:23:00 pm »
I was at a day spa with married friends of mine. The masseuse asked my woman friend, "Are you here for your daughter's high school graduation trip?"

She meant me!  :o :o

Friend and I were the same age (30s)!  :-[ :-[

Fortunately friend was amused. We spent the rest of the trip with me referring to her as "Mom." Her husband sighed a lot and rolled his eyes at us.

So, yeah, don't assume. And if you do, keep your lip zipped.
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lakey

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Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2020, 08:46:21 pm »
These stories are almost as bad as people asking a woman with a belly when the baby is due, then finding out that she isn't pregnant. I haven't made that mistake, but there was someone that I worked with that I thought might be pregnant. Fortunately I never said anything, because she wasn't. Heck, I've seen men who look 8 months pregnant. As you get older you realize that it is better to not make assumptions about people.
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honeybee42

Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2020, 08:53:30 pm »
And by the same token--throughout my adult life until about the last decade, when I went places with just my mother, people would make out-loud assumptions that we were sisters.  Now I think we confuse the daylights out of them, so they don't say anything because my mom's skin/face definitely looks older (she's in her 70s), she colors her hair and I don't, so I have more gray (silver!  when I was younger, I always said that if I inherited my grandfather's silver hair I'd never color it, and I did inherit it ... it's just a few strands now, but eventually, I'll have a shiny head of silver hair).

OnyxBird

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Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2020, 09:20:12 pm »
When I was in college, my brother and I both participated in a volunteer trip with a student organization that involved several other groups coming in from various areas of the country. The first evening included a social event for all of the different groups to mingle, and after my brother and I had been chatting with a man from another group for a short time, he made some comment referring to my brother as my "fiancé."  :o :o :o

To this day, I am baffled as to how he reached the very specific conclusion that the two opposite-sex people he was chatting with who were friendly with each other but not engaging in any sort of physical affection/use of endearments/etc. 1) must be in a romantic relationship rather than platonic friends (or, in our case, siblings) and 2) that the assumed romantic relationship was specifically engaged (neither of us wears rings of any sort, so it's not like he saw something resembling a typical engagement ring and extrapolated). Assuming we were dating would have been weird and annoying enough, but the specificity of the "fiancé" assumption really creeped me out.
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Rose Red

Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2020, 10:10:45 pm »
I've also had people assume my brother and I are a married couple. I've also been told we look alike so that feels extra gross. I just correct them of our real relationship. Most people just say they're sorry and move on. Except for a hospital that incorrectly wrote down that he's my husband in the emergency contact and when I corrected them, kept insisting the form says "husband." I don't care what your form says Lady. I know my own freaking brother and you need to use your brain.
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gellchom

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Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2020, 10:15:15 pm »
So many of these situations are only considered insulting only because our society considers "old" to be BAD.

I know I'm a broken record on this subject (and that metaphor shows just how old I am!  :)).

But the very fact that it seems to apply to so many situations just goes to show how pervasive this ageism is.

(That said ... nothing gets my husband to lose weight faster than when someone thinks he is my father.  He is 2 years older than I am.)

I don't understand why it would be insulting for someone to mistake siblings for a couple, though.  It can happen quite innocently for a lot of reasons, and anyway, where is the insult (as opposed to squick factor)?  People often quite reasonably get confused about my brother and me, because he and I have the same last name, and my husband doesn't.  When we were all younger, too, and they were wearing their beards the same way, they looked a lot alike, so people got confused and thought that they were the siblings and I was the married-in. 
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LifeOnPluto

Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #8 on: October 04, 2020, 12:00:33 am »
I've also had people assume my brother was my husband. Once, we took a holiday together to Bali, and the hotel gave us a room with only (one) double bed, because "you two have the same surname, so we know you're a married couple!". (This was despite the fact that we'd specifically booked a a twin room online when we made our reservations!)

On topic, yes, it's rude to automatically assume a relationship between two people. Unless I heard one person specifically call the other woman "Mum", I'd never presume that they must be a mother-child combo!

Aleko

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Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #9 on: October 04, 2020, 04:30:51 am »
Quote
I don't understand why it would be insulting for someone to mistake siblings for a couple, though.  It can happen quite innocently for a lot of reasons, and anyway, where is the insult (as opposed to squick factor)?

The main reason being, that teens and adults in general go out and about with their romantic other, or even with a same-sex sibling, far more often than they do with an opposite-sex sibling; so that’s the way to bet, if you have to bet.

In 2019 my brother and I took my 90-year-old father to Greece, because he wanted to see Delphi once more before he dies. We travelled about quite a bit, and at all our various accommodations the management naturally assumed that the twin-bedded room was for DB and me, and the single for DF, and were surprised when I took possession of the single. We were neither surprised not offended: it is far commoner to see a couple travelling with an elderly parent.
« Last Edit: October 04, 2020, 12:48:40 pm by Aleko »

Rose Red

Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #10 on: October 04, 2020, 09:01:49 am »
I don't understand why it would be insulting for someone to mistake siblings for a couple, though.  It can happen quite innocently for a lot of reasons, and anyway, where is the insult (as opposed to squick factor)? 

I already posted above that I usually correct them and they apologize, so I'm fine with that and don't feel insulted. There's nothing to feel offended about because they don't know. I only felt offended by that hospital who didn't believe me when I corrected them.
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gellchom

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Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #11 on: October 04, 2020, 09:55:57 am »
I don't understand why it would be insulting for someone to mistake siblings for a couple, though.  It can happen quite innocently for a lot of reasons, and anyway, where is the insult (as opposed to squick factor)? 

I already posted above that I usually correct them and they apologize, so I'm fine with that and don't feel insulted. There's nothing to feel offended about because they don't know. I only felt offended by that hospital who didn't believe me when I corrected them.

Sorry, Rose Red — I wasn’t responding to your post.  I agree that they were ridiculous not to believe you.  How rude.  And how funny - like when people think you don’t know your own name.

Lilipons

Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #12 on: October 04, 2020, 10:32:04 am »
I’ve written about this before but my experience seems to fit here.

When we were getting engaged I showed a photo of the future Mr. Pons and me to family members. An aunt loudly proclaimed, ‘HE’S TOO OLD FOR YOU!’  Well yes, he’s albino so he has white hair.  At the time, he was  often mistaken for David Hockney but he didn’t look THAT old. 

Actually, I am three years older than he is. 

During the first few years of our marriage I was repeatedly thought to be Mr. Pons’ mother.  I was never able to figure out how that happened.  It happened at a gym, it happened in shops and it happened on vacations.

It was not a pleasant situation. 
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sandisadie

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Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #13 on: October 04, 2020, 11:59:51 am »
I've told this before also.  When I was in my late 40's, early 50's and my daughter and I were somewhere together people all the time thought we were sisters.  I was 22 when she was born but I've always looked quite a bit younger then my age, since I've been an adult.  We usually just laughed and pointed to me and said I was the Mother, she was the daughter.  When I was in my mid 60's and raising two granddaughters of my 2nd husband I was assumed to be their Mother also.  They were ages 8 and 9 when they came to live with us and even into their teen years I was assumed to be their mother many times by strangers.  I've always found this to be amusing and usually when strangers find out the truth they are a little embarrassed.

Rose Red

Re: You and Your Mother
« Reply #14 on: October 04, 2020, 12:34:02 pm »
My mom lived a hard life and her younger sister have it easier, and sadly for my mom, it showed. She still tries to keep a nice appearance. A shop keeper mistook her for her sister's mother. It hurt her deeply because although she is older and looks it, she still doesn't look old enough to be her sister's mother.

People need to stop assuming people's relationship. Why can't they just ask how two people know each other?
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