Bad Manners and Brimstone

We have a new, transferred in, manager at the large, chain store, where I work. She manages the front (registers/tills)which I supervise along with a couple other people.

as  bit of a background, the new manager holds us supervisors responsible for things we hadn't done before (differences between stores, even though, as a chain, all stores should have the same procedures). She can express her irritation when she discovers we haven't done whatever she thinks we should have. When she recently said I should have done whatever, in her irritated way of speaking, I pleasantly said something like: "I didn't know that. We haven't been doing it that way in this store. Certainly will change. Just let us know what is changing."

The other day, during the busy time of a shift change, she said to me "here are the reports for you to review with the staff". I said "What reports?" Turns out, one report I've seen before as the store manager was reviewing it with staff. So she wants the supervisors to review it with the staff now. OK. I know the report and can do  explain it to others. Another report I didn't know and asked her to explain it to me. She responded "You tell me."

To me that was a put down.

I said something like, "I haven't seen this report before. I need to understand it so I can explain it to the staff and we can have clear communication." In retrospect, perhaps I should have said something like "it's chaotic right now, so I can't concentrate on it. I'll look it over later when it's quiet and let you know if I have questions." But I didn't. And she something. And I said something.

During this, the store manager came up to buy something. So she joined us. Shortening the story, I said that saying "you tell me" is a put down. Dead silence. Finally, store manager said "well, that can be a put down or a learning technique depending on how it's said."

I've always thought of it a a put down as in "you tell me (because you should know this)".

What say y'all?

Another way to take it would be 'I don't know; it reads like gibberish!' 

Whatever she actually meant, it doesn't exactly display good communication and interpersonal skills.

Procedures not standardized across stores?  Sounds like bad management to me, and not your fault at all, even if you were aware of different practices in other stores.  You just have to tell both managers “(this procedure/practice) is not one I’ve seen in this store before, so I need some instruction here.”

I went through this when transferring from one Opco to another within Evil Oil Company.  My work group was trained by Corporate, then a few of us were transferred to a Opco that not only didn’t follow corporate guidelines, but TPTB there ruled it as their personal fiefdom.  The first time we ran up against their own “guidelines,” we were gobsmacked.  Took years and a corporate clean-house before they conformed to corporate standards.

First of all, the new manager should never assume all employees know the procedures by heart.  I my experience, it usually takes new hires a good year to know the procedures completely.

In my opinion, "you tell me" comes across as condescending and almost parental sounding.  It reminds me of when I asked my mother why she was mad at 7-year-old me and she would say "you tell me" since I had done something stupid.

Tone has a lot to do with how people interpret what you say.  I'm not saying she has to sound like a Hallmark card, but a kinder tone can go a long way.

She reminds me of the boss I had who, when I explained I didn't know something, growled at me "What else don't you know?!". 

A bit of an aside.

In the book of Revelation, I noticed this recently when the passage was read in church.

Then one of the elders answered, saying to me, “These who are clothed in the white robes, who are they, and where have they come from?” I said to him, “My lord, you know.”

And I thought, "He sounds kind of irritated; I can just hear 'You tell me.'"

The "you tell me" CAN be part of the Socratic teaching method. I don't think it's automatically a put-down, but it IS a message that says, "I won't help you learn this."

And tone absolutely changes whether it's an intellectual challenge, or whether it's a brushing off.

This reminds me of when very-young me was punished for something, and I had no idea what I had done wrong. Nobody told me; they just assumed I knew. It was very frustrating at the time, and I certainly didn't learn anything from the punishment since I didn't know what caused it. I think that's why I just hate hearing "you tell me" or "you should know."

I really don't recall the tone she used. My brain is like that sometimes when I'm shocked. I don't recall the nuances, just words and feelings.

It did feel like a condescending adult speaking to a child.

I'll say that if it felt that way, it was. I think you felt the tone and nuance.

What happened to stepping into a new role and taking time to establish some relationships and assessing what the staff are doing and why (or why not) before making broad sweeping changes? Unless something is very crucial, there's no reason to get all policy happy.

I think I'd smile (just a teeny one) and say very quietly, "Oh, so you don't know either!" Because that's probably the truth and she didn't want to admit she didn't know the answer.

I love it!