Bad Manners and Brimstone

I tried to find the thread on clever comebacks & witty rejoinders, but that must have been from the old forum. I hope you don't mind my starting it up over here.

The thread was a series of situations where posters just wanted the right words to use, either for future situations they were anticipating, or while replaying in their minds how they could have responded better to a conversation that had already happened... kind of Monday morning quarterbacking. I learned a lot from the thread.

My own situation I've been replaying in my head involved a SIL and niece.

Several of us met for lunch-- we were seated at 2 tables of 6 due to covid restrictions. 2 adults, 2 teens, and 2 younger kids were at my table. The two little ones and one teen were mine. We were with my SIL and her daughter my 14yo niece. This was a pretty casual place with sit-down service, and I assumed we'd be lingering a while to talk so I brought some quiet activity for my two youngest (they were 5&6 at the time). I don't bring anything like that for my 15yo. I thought that was pretty normal.

After we ordered, I pulled out the activities for my little ones (they each got a rainbow scratch-art card and stylus, so pretty simple entertainment). When my niece saw this she asked where the rest of them were. I was confused for a second-- not even realizing that my Niece was asking for a coloring sheet. My SIL said "I guess auntie pjeans forgot to bring one for everybody."

So... I apologized to 14yo niece and to my 15yo son for not bringing toys for them to play with at lunch. My tone was pretty sarcastic. My teenage son was amused. My SIL was not. My 6yo daughter volunteered to share.

So the six year old son the prize for the most mature person at the table that day.

I've thought about how I could have handled it better, but every time I replay it in my head, I go very snarky very quickly. This SIL gets under my skin with her entitlement and I guess I am past the point of healthy conversations without supervision.

But if you could indulge me for a few minutes: how would you respond? How would you shut down the conversation? How would you prevent the "teaching moment" that my SIL loves so much where she'll tell me about teenagers' attention spans, or the benefits of coloring, or some other facebook-capsule style folk-psychology lesson?

For this one instance, I probably would have said "Like you, I assumed niece would enjoy visiting and joining the conversation."

I before using either of the below approaches, I'd try to understand if her attitude is because she is insecure around you or if she is like this with everyone. If you think it is insecurity, just smile indulgently and change the conversation.

But if is a know it all to everyone, then these are how I deal with a sister of mine who annoyed the crap out of me trying to parent me through my adult years.

For other "teaching moments" that you don't agree with, keep a bored smile on your face, wait for her to finish and respond with "What an unusual perspective." or "Thanks for the suggestion but I don't think that will work for me."  If she asks why, just say you find it a unique thought pattern or action but it's probably best to not discuss right now. If she keeps pushing, saying you don't want to discuss it. It will drive her crazy for the next month. If she brings it up again, say you don't agree but don't see any reason to debate with her as she seems pretty committed to her position as you are to yours. If she pushes again, respond with "Why are you so insistent on discussing this? Or is it that you aren't sure of your position?"

If you do agree with the assessment or comment, keep the same bored smile and respond with Oh, did you just learn about this? I thought it was common knowledge." People hate thinking that are the last to learn something.

Yes, sister tries to portray me as unreasonable, but everyone knows why she thinks that way.

I appreciate the responses! I'll have to think about what I want to accomplish when I responded to SIL.

I like the bored reaction to the teaching moments; I'll definitely keep that in mind for next time (because there will be plenty of next times)!

I'm also seeing a pattern in the suggestions of directing my response to Niece instead of SIL. I like that. I could have put the situation into her hands as to whether she really wanted to be considered a "little kid" or a teenager now. I think she's still mentally in the tween state: likes to "try on" the teenager personality sometimes but not ready to stop being a kid. It might not have occurred to her in the moment that teenagers *don't* bring toys to restaurants!

Each in their own time... we'll all get there eventually 🙂

I'll play!

I'm usually terrible at comebacks, but i was very proud of myself for this one.

I had gone into my work office with my son who had just turned one. He was crawling, not yet walking, still at the stage of putting everything in his mouth, but with more sense than a newborn. So past that stage where you think babies are trying to kill themselves by eating everything.


So baby was sitting on my lap playing with a stapler and coworker said sarcastically 'That's a safe, age-appropriate, baby toy'. So I just said

'that's because i am an excellent mother,<coworker>'

it felt so good, and i give everyone permission to steal this and use it for all situations.