Bad Manners and Brimstone

I don’t think that is out of line. I’m happy I’m married and have no problem saying that I am. If separated of going through a divorce, just say as much as you want to. My answer would still be easy. There are other questions that I might answer vaguely, but not that one.

I remember this was a topic on the old page.

I shoot at a local archery range.  Most of us tend to be friendly. One of the archers who I barely know and is about my age asked me if I was married.  Since I am totally not interested, but, didn't really want to offend him for no good reason I just asked with a smile, "Why ever would you want to know that?" and just laughed, hopefully pleasantly.

To me, that response comes across as flirtatious if delivered with a smile and laugh.

Quote from: Hmmm on September 09, 2020, 09:05:56 am

Quote from: holly firestorm on September 08, 2020, 05:29:54 pm

I remember this was a topic on the old page.

I shoot at a local archery range.  Most of us tend to be friendly. One of the archers who I barely know and is about my age asked me if I was married.  Since I am totally not interested, but, didn't really want to offend him for no good reason I just asked with a smile, "Why ever would you want to know that?" and just laughed, hopefully pleasantly.

To me, that response comes across as flirtatious if delivered with a smile and laugh.

I’m confused.  You say you said that so you wouldn’t offend him, and I’m sure that was your admirable intention.  But if I were the guy (and I didn’t take it as flirtatious, which I agree is likely), I would feel really flipped off by that.  I get it that a smile and a laugh are meant to make it pleasant, and it’s certainly better than barking it at him.  But he could take it as your laughing at the very idea that you could be interested.  Ouch.

I gather that you were trying to avoid having him ask you out and you having to hurt his feelings by declining.  But I bet that, IF that even happened, you could find a kind way of declining.

Well, that was exactly it.  He seemed to be leading up to that and his behavior even after that kind of confirmed it...almost. And, EEK! Flirtatious?! That was exactly the opposite of what I intended. I felt at the time the question was too pushy, but, maybe you're right. 

I sure do get it about not wanting to be put in the awkward position of having to turn down someone you aren't interested in who expresses an interest in you/asks you out.  It's almost impossible to decline without some embarrassment for him at the least -- no matter now careful you are, it's just no fun to put yourself out there and then be rejected.

So I do understand that your intentions were only to be kind, not to have an excuse to say a snappy answer.  You didn't want to cause him that embarrassment.  That's good.

But "What an interesting question," "Why would you want to know that?" and the like are very withering slap downs.  So, in my opinion, they should be used -- if at all -- only for inappropriate questions, not for innocent but awkward ones.

"Are you married?" is not an inappropriate question, certainly not when it's just a get-to-know-you-better question from an acquaintance, and for that matter not even when it's from someone who is interested in a date or even a relationship.  That's no crime, even though in this case it was unwanted (and for all he knew, it would have been welcome).  In fact, if that were the case, not only would your marital status not be "not really any of his business," it's pretty necessary information!

I think that it would have been better just to answer the question, and then, if he did then ask you out or otherwise express unreciprocated interest, find a kind way to decline.  Easier said than done, I know, but I think better than making him feel like he was out of line to ask.

Or, to be a bit less pointed, a cheery 'No, I'm a happy loner'.

Well, thanks for all your feedback on my particular situation.  But, mainly, I posted it to resurrect what I thought was an interesting subject on EHell.  So, I hope other people will post situations where they do feel/don't feel it's an appropriate answer in the future.

Well, thanks for all your feedback on my particular situation.  But, mainly, I posted it to resurrect what I thought was an interesting subject on EHell.  So, I hope other people will post situations where they do feel/don't feel it's an appropriate answer in the future.

I just found this thread today.

I don't remember ever finding that question off-putting. Then again, I'm male, and ever since I got married I have worn a wedding ring, so perhaps that makes a difference.

What this whole thread reminded me of today was a question I asked a fellow-teacher decades ago when I taught school for a few years. This was back in the late 1980s. Most of the female teachers at that particular school went by "Miss" or "Mrs." back then (not "Ms." yet).

For two of those years I taught next door to "Mrs. Brown" (not her real name). Our lunch periods overlapped, so we often ate lunch at the same table in the faculty room. Mrs. Brown often shared humorous stories about her teenage son and daughter. I didn't notice at first, but later I realized that absolutely none of Mrs. Brown's family stories included any mention at all of a Mr. Brown. I figured she was either divorced or a widow and figured it wasn't any of my business.

I got engaged that year. Sometimes conversations at the lunch table would turn to married life. I was the youngest teacher and sometimes there was some gentle, appropriate teasing of me about how my life would change after my wedding. One day after Mrs. Brown made a teasing comment about life changing after a wedding, I threw caution to the wind and asked her: "Mrs. Brown, I've liked your stories about your son and daughter. I've noticed you never mention Mr. Brown. Has he passed away?"

That is not the sort of comment I would have usually made. Perhaps the teasing about marriage led to me feeling more bold than usual.

Mrs. Brown's reaction was to look absolutly shocked. She was so surprised at my question. Of course Mr. Brown was alive! They'd had breakfast together that very morning!

I apologized for shocking her. I said again that I had never ever heard her mention her husband at all in any of her stories, and that's why I had wondered.

Mrs Brown forgave me for shocking her. She continued to treat me kindly. I also remember her mentioning her husband in stories a few times after that!