Author Topic: When someone apologies but you're still frosty  (Read 1936 times)

Bada

When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« on: August 06, 2018, 03:05:46 pm »
In modern English language, when someone apologies, you're expected to say "It's okay" or "no problem." (Back in the day maybe people would say "I accept your apology" or something, I guess?)  But what do you say when it's not okay and you're still annoyed?

Example 1:
We travel out of state for a wedding.  Our friend Julia rented a car and we didn't. She offers to drive us to the ceremony.  She, her DH, and baby are super late and we literally miss 1/3 of the ceremony.  She apologized but it was NOT okay so I didn't just want to say it was!  (And it wasn't like we could rent a taxi where we were, and she kept saying she was almost ready.)  I think I just changed the topic when she apologized rather than directly responding (it was a while ago, I don't really recall).

Example 2:
Yesterday, Amy was supposed to come early to help us get ready for a party.  Except she made some strange scheduling assumptions/snaffus and she kept changing the plan we'd agreed to and in the end she wasn't here to help us get ready.  She apologized and I didn't really want to say it was okay because I was super annoyed.  (And as I mentioned in the "small hugs" thread, I ended up short on time to get ready as it was because several relatives had accidentally arrived a day early for the party and we lost the whole afternoon to finish getting prepared.)  I did end up saying it was okay because she did feel bad and I didn't want to rub it in, but the words didn't fit because, like I said, I was still annoyed.

What phrases do you all use in these situations?

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Jem

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Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2018, 03:11:19 pm »
I might say, “I appreciate your apology.” Depending in he relationship I might also say, “I need a little space right now. I’m pretty hurt that you disrespected my time. I know it wasn’t intentional and I’ll get over it eventually but I’m not there yet.”
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DaDancingPsych

Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2018, 03:16:36 pm »
I actually asked a similar question in the old forum. My neighbor's dog was never leashed on the shared apartment grounds where pets were to be on a leash. As a result, the dog would run up to me when I was leaving the apartment or leaving my car and would jump on me... dirty paws on my pants. The take home suggestion was for me to say something like "Next time remember to leash your dog", which honestly felt a bit confrontational and certainly against my nature. However, I did not get to use the phrase, because the doggie parents must have been forum readers... the dog never jumped on me again.

Maybe something along the lines of "I know that you did not mean to be late"??? It acknowledges the apology and the non-malicious nature of the incidents, but does not lie and say that it was "no problem" or "ok". What is so wrong with "I accept your apology"? Again, I think it accomplishes the same as the above. Plus, I think the formality of the phrase brings this lack of warmness that confesses that it did cause a problem for you.
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Luci

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Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« Reply #3 on: August 06, 2018, 04:22:35 pm »
We said, "Apology accepted," but really chalked it up to lesson learned. We never, ever made time sensitive arrangements with that group again. If they showed up, fine. If not, oh well.

As for being really early, I either put the people to work if I felt I could trust them or just let them talk to me while I continued my work.

It’s really galling to send out computer made invitations to each household of the 40 invitees, have them not respond, and have people actually ask what the details are. Then for a 1:00 meal show up anywhere from 11:00 to 3:00. I am so glad we have aged out of hosting that many people.
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Aleko

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Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« Reply #4 on: August 07, 2018, 03:38:22 am »
I don't think it really matters all that much what words you use, TBH. It's possible to say 'It's okay' or 'no problem' with such Arctic coolth that only a person with the skin of a hippo will fail to get the message that yes, the apology is accepted but you really aren't happy with them at all. And the hippos of this world will take anything short of 'YOU RUINED THE DAY! THAT WAS UNFORGIVABLE!' as complete absolution. As far as they're concerned, they said sorry: you accepted their apology: = all sorted!
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Hmmm

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Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« Reply #5 on: August 07, 2018, 10:04:24 am »
My favorite is "Thanks for the apology. I'm sure it wasn't on purpose."
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TootsNYC

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Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« Reply #6 on: August 07, 2018, 11:06:48 am »
I think you can also say, "Let's talk about this later."
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Bada

Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« Reply #7 on: August 08, 2018, 04:10:53 pm »
My favorite is "Thanks for the apology. I'm sure it wasn't on purpose."

OOOHH, I like this! 

Thanks for the brainstorming, BM&B friends!
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Lkdrymom

Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2020, 02:37:44 pm »
Just found this group of topics.

After I had rearranged many things to help a friend out and yet again she cancelled out at the last minute with a flippant "Sorry" I told her it was NOT OK.  Had this been the first time she did this to me I would have said "That's ok" but having her do this to me more times than I can count I was just done.  People like this don't realize they have done anything wrong, they don't think your time is valuable, they don't see that they put you out.  They can't even comprehend.
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Dazi

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Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2020, 03:02:01 pm »
It took me a long time to stop using "it's okay" or "not a problem" because it's NOT. Just because an apology had been issued doesn't mean the slate is wiped clean and there were no negative outcomes.

I now use "thank you for the apology," or if I'm really pissed over it, "I acknowledge your apology." That way you've not ignored that they had the decency/realized they needed to apologize, but you aren't saying they are absolved of blame and their idiocy over whatever happened.
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sandisadie

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Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« Reply #10 on: January 12, 2020, 03:36:04 pm »
If I don't believe that the person issuing the apology is really sincere but is just doing this because they think they have to, I say "I accept your apology in the spirit in which it is given".  I think that lets them know how I really feel about the situation, and saying that makes me feel like I've fulfilled my obligation to answer them.  This has only happened to me a couple of times.
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oogyda

Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« Reply #11 on: January 20, 2020, 12:14:51 pm »
When we were selling our last house, the closing date got pushed back twice due to issues the buyer ran into. 

At the closing, his realtor "apologized" for the delay fully expecting a "that's okay" type response.  She didn't get it.  I gave her "the look" and said "The delays cost us at least one additional house payment and those are things that legally should have been disclosed.  As long as this closing goes through *today*, it'll be fine." 

The home stayed on the market (with the condition of "sale pending") so if we'd had another decent offer, we would have taken it.  We could have done so, because the issues the buyer ran into were caused by situations that he hadn't properly disclosed....as he legally should have. 

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BrownEyedGirl

Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« Reply #12 on: February 14, 2020, 10:11:46 pm »
I get this sometimes in my line of work. I work in support staff for a mental health center and sometimes we get people, either on the phone or in person, who get angry over the course of an interaction with us.  Sometimes they apologize and sometimes they don't, but when they do apologize, rather than saying 'it's okay' I say 'thank you, I really appreciate you saying that.'  It's polite and I imagine it lets them feel like they did the right thing by apologizing (which they did) and at the same time it's not exactly letting them off the hook for their poor behavior in the first place.  Seems like a good happy medium.
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holly firestorm

Re: When someone apologies but you're still frosty
« Reply #13 on: April 10, 2020, 07:48:23 pm »
I think there are times people apologize for things that really were out of control.  It's not OK, but, it's not their fault either.
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