Author Topic: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?  (Read 4872 times)

SparklingIce

Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« on: July 28, 2020, 02:32:18 am »
 My 7 year old daughter is a huge lover of all things princess and frilly wants to be a "pretend flower girl" at the wedding of a family friend that is to be *fingers crossed* in November. She gets jealous quite easily as last year when we attended a wedding she pouted the entire service and reception cause she didn't like the two flower girls having prettier dresses than hers (and getting more attention in general). Would it be too much if she wore her own special "flower girl" type dress, a little crown, and wand to make her feel less left out? What about a princess costume? Would it be weird to contact the family and ask if there will be a flower girl so we can be prepared - anyone know a less invasive way to find these things out? If there isn't, she'd be fine with wearing a plain nice church/Easter dress. In a way, I kinda don't want this wedding to happen so we can avoid another meltdown. Perhaps she will forget all about it or "mature" out when November rolls around? Our other thought is just leaving her with her aunt (whom she loves) while we attend.

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Aleko

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Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2020, 03:48:47 am »
Yes, it would be too much. On no account should you let her dress as an ‘honorary flower girl’, a princess or anything of the kind. Don’t even ask the family if she can. They might say yes, just to save you from dealing with a tantrum, but they wouldn’t really like it. And the bad look - because everybody there would get that you had only allowed your DD to dress that way because aged 7 she was capable of throwing a tantrum if she saw other little girls dressed up as members of the wedding party when she wasn’t - could inform all these people’s opinion of her for years to come.

We are all born total egotists, but have to learn eventually that we can’t always be the star of the show - and the longer you try to protect her from that knowledge the more painful the lesson will be in the end, and the more people she will p*** off before she finally gets it. You don’t want her to get known as ‘SparklingIce’s annoying child who always whines if she isn’t always given special treatment’.

By all means ask the family what attendants the bride plans to have. You might well manage to do that without revealing why you want to know - after all, lots of people just love wedding festivity enough to want to know the plans. (I was bemused, the day I walked into my workplace with the news that I had got engaged over the weekend, by the number of colleagues who promptly asked me how many bridesmaids I planned to have. It made me think I’d got this marrying lark all wrong, and that I should have backed DH-to-be into a corner with a clipboard behind my back.) Then if there are going to be any girls around her age in the wedding party, you can simply give her a choice: ‘We’ll take you to the wedding if you promise to behave this time, or you stay behind with your aunt.’ Don’t even allow her to get the idea that dressing as a princess or honorary flower girl at this wedding  is even a possibility for her.
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gellchom

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Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2020, 04:04:48 am »
Aleko has it exactly right. 

Seven is plenty old enough to learn this important lesson. And a bit old to wear a costume to a wedding without looking spoiled instead of adorable. 

Put her in a nice dress, maybe a new one.  Tell her how grown up she will look.  Maybe let her wear a bracelet or necklace - not adult so it looks like dress up, but not toy either.  She may well love being So Grown Up so much she prefers it.

That may help, but even if it doesn’t, please follow Aleko’s great advice.   If she can’t manage being a good guest, she doesn’t come, just like anyone of any age.  Her choice.
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Rose Red

Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #3 on: July 28, 2020, 06:15:06 am »
This is like a child version of a grown woman wearing a fancy white lace dress to someone else's wedding. Don't do it. By seven, she's old enough to learn she can't be the center of attention all the time. Wearing a princess costume or flower crown will get her attention, but not the kind she (or you) are hoping for.
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gramma dishes

Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #4 on: July 28, 2020, 08:14:44 am »
If people remember her behavior from the last wedding she attended, it is entirely possible she will not be invited to attend this one.
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Wanaca

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Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2020, 09:04:25 am »
"leaving her with her aunt (whom she loves) while we attend" sounds like a good idea if you aren't sure if she is mature enough to handle the event.  Dressing up in a costume is a very bad idea and would not guarantee that her behavior would be free of jealousy and pouting, if she is used to that behavior anyway.
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Rose Red

Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2020, 10:25:12 am »
I just noticed you wrote "a little crown" and not a "flower crown." A real crown is even worse than flowers. Please heed our advice and leave her with her aunt, or have her wear a pretty dress but not a dress that looks like a flower girl or princess. Most importantly, no crowns or wands.

A pretty dress and a barrette with a single flower or ribbons in her hair would be appropriate and still special.
« Last Edit: July 28, 2020, 10:33:44 am by Rose Red »
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Hmmm

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Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #7 on: July 28, 2020, 10:28:25 am »
Welcome to the forum.

I agree with the others that it would be inappropriate for her to pretend to be a flower girl, or wear a crown. I also don't believe it would be appropriate to ask about attendants. I'm sure the family is well aware that you have a daughter flower girl age and if they wanted to ask her they would without any prompting.

If I were you, I'd start the conversation with her now. Tell her you understand that it's fun to be in the spotlight but we can't all be in the spotlight. Mention how you will be going dressed as a guest and wouldn't she think it silly if you pouted about not getting to wear the wedding dress or a bridesmaid dress. If you did not tell her last year that her behavior embarrassed you, I would do so now.

I agree about giving her a choice. You two can go buy her a dress that is suitable for a guest and she can attend with you, or she can stay at home if she thinks she can't behave appropriately. Tell her that you do not want your enjoyment to be ruined by being concerned she'll misbehave.
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TootsNYC

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Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #8 on: July 28, 2020, 02:05:49 pm »
I'm in agreement; she shouldn't pretend to be a flowergirl in any way.

She's also showing you a vulnerability or weakness she has--that's great that you're getting this evidence; now you need to help her.

I spent a lot of time instructing my kids on what to expect in situations, and I also "pronounced" things like "I know you want to feel special, but this is not acceptable. It's not your turn. It's someone else's turn. You would feel upset if someone else took your turn, right?"

I think those lessons start with things like trucks and swings, etc.

If you're feeling at a loss for how to coach her through this, please consider reaching out for some coaching from a child psychologist or family counselor. They are pros, and they will have all kinds of tactics and suggestions and things they can teach you so you can be your girl's most powerful coach.

It's not a kindness to kids (to anyone) to indulge them in order to shield them from disappointment and pain. Better by far to have them experience that feeling of rejection, that feeling of being left out, while they are young and the stakes are small.
   That's an important life skill, and only she can teach it to herself (you can model proper behavior, and you can insist on creating situations in which she can learn it, and you can provide motivation for her to learn it, like negative consequences if she exhibits behavior that's socially unacceptable).

But it's crucial for her! It's far more important that she learn how to NOT be the center of attention, and how to focus on other people, than it is that she not be sad or throw a tantrum when she's unhappy.

Good luck!
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Luci

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Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #9 on: July 28, 2020, 05:18:14 pm »
All the posters made a lot of points I agree with. Don’t cave. She is old enough to act like a young lady if she wants to attend.
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Winterlight

Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #10 on: July 28, 2020, 08:41:47 pm »
Think about it this way: there are going to be a number of occasions in her life when Daughter can't be the star of the show, or even part of the show. If she learns how to be part of the audience now, then that's a good thing. And if you give in on this, what happens at the next wedding/big event? She's learned that you will cave and then help her get her way, even if it means inconveniencing others or putting them on the spot. That's going to be a big problem down the line- right now it's just a little kid who wants to show off a bit, but in a few years, she'll be a teenager. You don't want to have to wrangle a teen who throws raging tantrums because she wants to be An Important Person at everything she goes to and is furious when she isn't.
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SparklingIce

Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #11 on: July 28, 2020, 08:48:51 pm »
This has taken some looooong thinking on my part and a good sit and chat with me and Brielle. I took the whole brides maid/bride dress analogy and she found it funny and understood the point. And trust me, I have been reading each of your replies with thought. Perhaps the "bonus" flower girl thing wasn't the best idea. She really wants to go but she is still scared of a flower girl (or a few) being there. I told her there might not be, and we have a couple of months to think about it. We did start looking at dresses and within the first 20 mins she found a little "suit" she is dead set on. While I'm not sure of the pink, since it is a fall wedding, it certainly is not a flower girl dress or a princess costume. It's a start - if she sticks with it, then we'll get it closer to the wedding. Besides, the link says the shop is out of stock in them. Let's hope they get orders by November!


 So maybe this and a brand new rose gold Jojo bow to top the ensamble off.



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Chez Miriam

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Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #12 on: July 29, 2020, 05:04:08 am »
I'm glad you've started the conversation/process now - it gives Brielle plenty of time/practice to get used to the idea, and that little suit looks perfect for a girl attending a wedding!  I hope you find a lovely hairclip or ribbon to match, and you all have a wonderful time at the wedding.

I'm glad you reacted well to the posters above, because it makes my tale of my college friend an anecdote rather than a dire warning:

"M" was Daddy's Little Princess, and the world was moulded to fit comfortably around her wants/desires [and Daddy had enough clout/money to ensure that happened]...

And then M went to [over 18s] college, and by her (truly spectacular) tantrums/demands alienated every. single. fellow. student.  Apart from me (for some reason).  I loved M like the little sister I never had, and resolved to have the "awkward conversation".  So that ended up with M hating me.

After a few weeks of no-one in the class talking with her, and her shunning me, she actually apologised to me [for hitting me, as well; that was part of her arsenal, when she didn't get her way].  Because I thought she was a lovely girl, who had just been ruined by her father's indulgence, I forgave her and we became great friends.  Other people did not.  She dropped out of college after a couple of years.  I still miss her [when I think of her], but I believe [from some trickled-back reports via friends-of-friends] she started out afresh with a new attitude, so I'm hopeful that she went on to make some truly wonderful friends.

Someone choosing a different path for her aged 7 really would have made those years between 18 and 20 a lot easier.
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich
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Aleko

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Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #13 on: July 29, 2020, 07:49:39 am »
Quote
She really wants to go but she is still scared of a flower girl (or a few) being there.

Scared??? If you seriously meant that she finds scary the mere idea of having to watch another little girl being in the limelight when she isn't, that is worrying.
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gellchom

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Re: Honorary Flower Girl - Sorta?
« Reply #14 on: July 29, 2020, 09:13:34 am »
I like Toots’s “taking turns” language.  I had been thinking the same thing; surely Brielle has learned to take turns. 

So you can use that language.  “You know how to take turns.  And you’re not scared of that.  Well, that’s all this is — someone else’s turn.  You got this, Brielle!”

My kids, now adults, were glad we taught them to be confident that they’d be able to handle things. 
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