Bad Manners and Brimstone

I too am a little worried on her behalf due to this phrasing. Well, not so much worried, but it's an odd phrasing, and I wonder if there's something behind it worth digging out.

she is still scared of a flower girl (or a few) being there.

That's something to explore a little. Maybe she can just get through it, but you might encourage her to think about whether that's an accurate word to describe her feelings, and to think about what bad thing there is that she's scared of.

How are people seeing the suit?  I don’t see a link.

How are people seeing the suit?  I don’t see a link.

The picture is in post# 11. It's not a link. It's just there. Maybe it's your settings? Sorry, I don't know much about computers.

Show her some photos of real-life, modern-day princesses attending weddings as guests.  They're not wearing ballgowns or crowns, floral or otherwise.  They're just dressed nicely, and, more importantly, behaving with great dignity.

The problem with this is that it doesn't appear she cares about the grownups. Notice she wasn't jealous of the bridesmaids; only the flower girls who are around her age. And real life little princesses at weddings are usually captured in pictures as members of the wedding party.

I'm going to diverge from the opinion that the word "scared" is concerning. I'm guessing it's more like "apprehensive." Apprehensive that she'll be in a situation where she's not the princess, has to watch and support, and isn't sure she has the capacity to do that. I don't think she has the words "apprehensive" or "intimidated" or "insecure" I think it's reasonable to talk about the feelings behind "scared" and expand her feelings vernacular for her to learn to express degrees/ shades of feelings.

Also, the strategy of observing princesses at other weddings could be really fun and I think it's a great idea. She might not care about adults, per se, but I think she could observe the behavior and learn from it.

Finally, I think offering her a reward if she attends the wedding successfully is reasonable. Like she wears the suit (which is adorable) and makes a couple socially nice comments to the flower girl(s) and is able to make it through the night without an outburst or tantrum and she earns having a friend over for a princess party tea in the week after the wedding. It motivates her to use the strategies outlined and reinforces that she isn't always the center of attention and she can learn to share the spotlight.

By all means, put her in a fancy dress. 

But, when you put a crown on her head and a wand in her hand, you are trying to let her outshine the actual flower girl. 

Given the behavior of last year's wedding, I would let her have some girl time with her aunt. 

Wow, okay.

Here goes, as I see that quite a for bit has happened since I was here last. How that for first impressions?

Let me start by saying that all of this is quite a come to Jesus-ish for me. I had no idea that one basic question could really make me think about certain aspects of how I raise my daughter, and some of it is frighteningly insightful, like you know our lives. Kinda makes me feel uncomfortable, even though none of you are being intentionally harsh. It just that I have come to realize a few things, it's eating at me.

Bri is an only child for us, and the youngest one on my side of the family, with a 14 year gap from the last cousin. She was "everybody's baby" and still is so. She has been an only "little" kid at family and social gatherings most of her life, so it's her comfort zone. Yes, at our own fault and doing, Bri is also a "little princess" with all the things I felt a young princess would get in real life. Private school, ballet, and annual trip to Disney World where she would wear a princess dress every day of the trip. So ... yes, we (husband and I) turned her into her princess obsessed self.
I honestly never thought this whole princess thing was bad. (Is it biting us in the tuckus now?)

Saying all that, I want you all to know that she isn't a bad girl by far. She's smart, she likes to do silly things to make her friends laugh, and has a huge personality.

It's interesting the varying things that make her jealous. That one wedding and the flower girls - yes. Doing a natural look pageant and being around other little girls in dresses - no. Her handful of dance competitions with other, better skilled children - no. Going to a classical concert with daddy and I and seeing a featured child playing her violin - yes. Going to birthday parties and not being the birthday kid - no. Screaming "go away you dodo brain" (ok, I'll admit we laughed at this - shame on us, I know) at the TV at the child singer on America's Got Talent - a big yes.
We really don't know what will set her off.
But she does get set off. We fix this by taking her away from the situation and waiting it out until she stops crying, and then try to avoid that trigger (leaving before curtain call so she won't have to see the violin girl take a bow).
We ask why she is jealous, and she straight with us "ugh, not fair ... how come they get to do that?" about the flower girls. So it's not like she hides it. We tell her we can't do anything to make her un-jealous, but maybe we can maybe think of ways to see that what she is jealous of could be not fun. The dresses are probably itchy. Voilin kid's fingers probably hurt so much from practicing so much. Singing girl's voice probably can't talk alot because she has to save her voice.

As for the entire "being scared" bit, I think many of you have nailed it with "apprehensive". Her thing is, after some talk, is that, in her words, "I want to be the only kid". I explained to her that she can't be the only kid in every group, because, well, she just can't. If other kids are invited, then that's just how it is.

I been telling her how her suit is going to make her look sophisticated and classy, and she will have to act the part. Crying and sulking isn't either of those. If she still wants to keep up her "princess" thing, I said we can get a crown or a star shaped shaped brooch and we can pin it on her jacket lapel! Not obvious, but just enough to make her feel special. She can get a new little purse and kitten heels to go with the outfit too. I really want to make this a "grown up" ordeal for her.

Goodness, all of you have made me do a lot of pondering, and I been hesitant to respond until now. Please forgive my absence in not getting back to everyone right away. I am thankful for all of your insight, even the hard to read ones.

Perhaps her jealousy is rooted in a desire to perform.  And if that's the case, maybe she should hone a skill that would put her in the spotlight.  Even then, she will need to realize that performing is about the audience, and not just the performer.

And I agree with Nikko-chan--why would you give her downsides about the boy playing violin or a girl singing?! 

It seems like she's telling you she wants to do these things.  "How come they get to do that?"

Because they take lessons and they practice.  That's how!
 
It's not easy to get there and do something in front of a lot of people.  It takes a lot of guts.  If she really wants to do that then find ways to give her those opportunities.