I hope my tone will be okay! OP, I really am in your corner here. I think nearly everyone has been, even those whose comments are harder to hear.
I do agree with the posters who have said that encouraging Brielle to think about how she can steal the scene and be the focus of attention is a mistake, though. I believe that will be counterproductive.
This is important: She may well have internalized that what everyone loves and values about her — including her parents — is that she is exceptional, a star, a princess. But of course that’s not true! You have told us that she is funny and creative and clever. She is kind to her friends and a good team member. You value her character, not just her pizzazz. Most important, you love her just because she is HER, not because she is a “winner” or a “star.”
It’s easy to assume she would know that naturally. But she very well might not. She needs to hear it from YOU, over and over, and more important, SEE it in how you respond to her and talk about situations and how big a deal you make about “Star” moments and how big a deal you make about character moments and audience and friend moments. I have seen many children, especially ones who are exceptional in some way (talent, brains, beauty, etc.), who don’t realize this. They are afraid that if they don’t get the A+ or the trophy or the attention on the dance floor that they will disappoint their parents. Worse, if their sense of identity depends on it, they won’t even be themselves anymore if they don’t.
That’s why I suggested steering her away from competitive situations, to unlearn that zero-sum, “if someone else has attention or success, then I don’t, and that’s what counts” mind set, as exemplified in her “dodo head” response to a talented child on TV.
Yes, of course all parents want success for their children. But success does not by any means have to be celebrity or stardom, especially not the empty kind afforded by social media fame. Not every parent wants that for their child, much less to risk a “Baby Jane.” I’m sorry you felt some of us look down on pageants and competitive dance teams. I’m not saying they’re bad! Just that they may not be the best context for little Brielle right now, as she learns to value dancing and singing for the pure joy of it, not for the attention it gets her.
You have a great opportunity handed to you right now with the wedding: you can talk about how much fun it will be to dance, not about how much attention it will get her. Guess what the dessert will be. Ask what color flowers she would choose. See what I mean? Help her learn to enjoy things that aren’t focused on herself.
And I repeat: she’s a kid! Her character and self-esteem are forming, not formed. You’ve caught this early and know what you need to do to help her get on track to be a confident, happy woman, not a superannuated fairy princess
. All kids need that with one thing or another. You’re doing fine.
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