Author Topic: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49, 68)  (Read 5431 times)

Winterlight

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Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
« Reply #60 on: October 24, 2019, 11:28:29 pm »
Hope things all go well!

Chez Miriam

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Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
« Reply #61 on: October 25, 2019, 10:05:23 am »
Hope it all goes beautifully, and you have a wonderful day!
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich

Jem

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Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
« Reply #62 on: October 25, 2019, 12:53:44 pm »
Trimming the quote tree a little to focus on this.  I agree that someone should not be judged for moving forward.  At the same time, other people had their own relationships with the dead person, and are grieving in their own time and way.  The widow/widower moving forward "forces" the rest of the family to move forward in a way that they may not be ready for/comfortable with.  I know two men who lost their wives and then remarried, and it was very hard on their grown children.  (In one case it has worked out very well, and the daughter I know best posted a beautiful tribute on Mother's Day on Facebook, being grateful for "two wonderful mothers".)

Of course everyone grieves differently but I don't think it is fair to expect a widow or widower to be alone based on someone else's arbitrary timeline (which may be that someone else thinks the widow or widower should NEVER have another romantic relationship at all). I personally think it is selfish that an adult child would not want their living parent to be happy, including finding love again. After the funeral, everyone aside from the widow or widower got to go home with their significant other. Everyone else got to lean on their significant other in their grief, and everyone else got to go about their lives celebrating their joys with their SOs. I think it is only natural that a widow or widower would seek another significant other at some point.

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cabbagegirl

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Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
« Reply #63 on: October 26, 2019, 05:34:06 pm »
It sounds as if you're fine with your dad moving forward, and if your grandparents are so toxic, I can understand why he doesn't want to get into this with his former parents-in-law.  I will judge him for putting you in a difficult position.

This, exactly. We're very happy he found love again. Speaking for myself, it's just that our grandparents are so toxic that while I get why he did what he did, he is making us be in a situation where we have to bold-faced lie to our grandparents because he's...scared of them, I guess? Or he just doesn't want to deal with them wanting to meet her when he knows how toxic and judgey they are to almost everyone. Whatever the case may be, it's really cruddy to make us bear the burden of it, because they do ask after him and ask, "What's he doing? Is he seeing anyone?" I'm not cool with having to be evasive or outright lie.

I'll let violinp share the actual details when she's ready, but the wedding was so lovely, and I'm pumped to finally have a brother(-in-law).
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HenrysMom

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Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
« Reply #64 on: October 27, 2019, 03:03:46 pm »
Just posting for an update - they must be married by now, so I guess we shouldn’t hold our breaths.

cabbagegirl

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Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
« Reply #65 on: October 31, 2019, 03:07:40 pm »
Just posting for an update - they must be married by now, so I guess we shouldn’t hold our breaths.

violinp and Double Bass are on their honeymoon - I'm sure she'll do an update when they're back.
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Hanna

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Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
« Reply #66 on: November 01, 2019, 01:16:54 pm »
It sounds as if you're fine with your dad moving forward, and if your grandparents are so toxic, I can understand why he doesn't want to get into this with his former parents-in-law.  I will judge him for putting you in a difficult position.

This, exactly. We're very happy he found love again. Speaking for myself, it's just that our grandparents are so toxic that while I get why he did what he did, he is making us be in a situation where we have to bold-faced lie to our grandparents because he's...scared of them, I guess? Or he just doesn't want to deal with them wanting to meet her when he knows how toxic and judgey they are to almost everyone. Whatever the case may be, it's really cruddy to make us bear the burden of it, because they do ask after him and ask, "What's he doing? Is he seeing anyone?" I'm not cool with having to be evasive or outright lie.

I'll let violinp share the actual details when she's ready, but the wedding was so lovely, and I'm pumped to finally have a brother(-in-law).

Triangulation.  It's so very difficult to be in the middle of two people you care about. 

But it's hard for me to blame him at all. It's your right to be in touch with these toxic people and to attempt to stay on good terms with them.  It's also fair of him to say he doesn't want you sharing details about his life with them.  I believe we all have that right to privacy.

Would it be easier for you if he cut them off completely or if he told them "I got married" himself?  I suspect you would you would still have to listen to them ask about him and/or complain about his choices- because they are toxic. 

I actually think it's a kindness of him to maintain limited contact with them and limiting the information they about him now seems the only way to do that.  For me, that's often a better choice than "I don't want to see you or have you know anything about my life". 

"As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons."


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chigger

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Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
« Reply #67 on: November 01, 2019, 03:35:57 pm »
I think it is really crummy that your father puts you in a position like this! Next time the GP ask, i think I would tell them. If they become nasty, then none of you really have to put up with it. You can easily put them limited contact; contact on your own terms.

violinp

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Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49)
« Reply #68 on: November 12, 2019, 05:25:51 pm »
Hey, everyone!

Sorry for the delay in getting back to you all; Double Bass and I went on our honeymoon, and then real life once we came back got super busy!

Here's my update: Gran and Gramps elected not to come, because of my Gramps' health - it would have been too much strain on his heart as well as the rest of his body, to try and travel on a plane to me, never mind all the stress of the wedding. I honestly was relieved...and then felt bad that I was relieved, which confused the heck out of Double Bass, because he has never had any problem cutting toxic people out of his life. I explained to him that it was kinda like my dreams of a happy family, as well as everyone being there, finally and really died. My mom, obviously, wasn't there, most of the family I'd invited ended up not coming for either health or travel reasons...for a moment there, it really, really sucked, because the wedding I had envisioned in my head since I was a kid was never gonna happen.

I cried, Double Bass comforted me, and then we kinda moved on from that. The wedding day ended up being wonderful, despite it being 46 degrees and pouring rain outside when we did our outdoor shots. The Mass went off with only one hitch (the server forgot to put the program in Father's book for the Mass and he stalled out for a second, but recovered beautifully), and the reception was great. Double Bass made a wonderful speech about how grateful he was for me and my love and trust in him, how he was grateful to his parents for how they raised him, and he did a sweet tribute to my dad and mom that...honestly made me bawl. Double Bass is not a "feelings in public" person, so I know it was hard for him, but it was so wonderful.

We ended up using punch for the quaich, and it went off fine. I'm sure no one would have cared if we'd had booze, but if I drink spirits, I make a face like my mouth turned inside out, so it was probably better just to have punch and avoid the awkward photos in 20 years.

As to my dad's marriage and not telling Gran and Gramps...*sigh* Double Bass (and frankly I) think it's ridiculous to hide that from them as though my dad's wife and marriage are something shameful - which, honestly, even though Dad doesn't think that, that's what it looks as though he's showing by his secrecy. There is nothing to be gained by hiding something that big...but if we told Gran and Gramps now, they would be furious at me for straight up lying to them for multiple years, no matter if I was told to or not. And my relationship with my grandparents affects my relationship with my uncles as well - I worry I would never see them again if that blew up. Regardless of whether that's just of them or not, that's the situation. And that's kinda getting beyond etiquette into studying toxic family dynamics and whatnot.

The important things are that I'm now Mrs. Double Bass, that our wedding wasn't a disaster, and that everyone behaved themselves or stayed home. I'm glad that I married into a family (at least, Double Bass' immediate family) that understands familial abuse and trauma, and is there for me to help me understand and process and realize I'm not a worthless toerag who everyone resents having around. When everyone else had left, and it was just Double Bass, his family, and me breaking everything down...I realized for the first time what family was supposed to be like. I mean, yes, I had good times with my sister and parents, but there was always the threat of someone blowing up because I said or did the wrong thing. My mom folded towels *at* me when she was mad (she learned some very toxic behaviors from her parents, unfortunately).
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pierrotlunaire0

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Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49, 68)
« Reply #69 on: November 12, 2019, 08:15:03 pm »
It sounds like you found your safe harbor after being on a stormy sea for years, and for that, I am very glad for you.
I have enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three cars across a sizeable desert.  Which makes me officially...Three Cars Crazy
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Chez Miriam

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Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49, 68)
« Reply #70 on: November 13, 2019, 01:06:50 pm »
I'm so glad the day went well, and that you have 'found your home'; good people are home, aren't they?

The more I read about the situation with your dad/grandparents, I'm siding along with 'keep going' - trying to "put right" a lie gets harder and harder as more time passes, so if you're OK glossing over your dad's 'dating' situation, I don't see any advantage for you in telling of his marriage - it sounds as though the "nuclear" fallout would be worse admitting a [very minor and understandable] deception than the strain on you to continue with that 'sleight of hand'?

Either way: hugs, and Congratulations!!, and a very happy married life to you both.

And also: it's nice seeing CabbageGirl posting here - hope you are well, and happy, too!
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich

TootsNYC

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Re: I Need Help... (OP U/D # 39, 49, 68)
« Reply #71 on: November 13, 2019, 01:09:53 pm »
Quote
Double Bass is not a "feelings in public" person

Those people will surprise you, often when it matters most.

I'm glad you and he have found each other, and I hope you hold onto many happy memories from the day.
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