Hey, everyone!
Sorry for the delay in getting back to you all; Double Bass and I went on our honeymoon, and then real life once we came back got super busy!
Here's my update: Gran and Gramps elected not to come, because of my Gramps' health - it would have been too much strain on his heart as well as the rest of his body, to try and travel on a plane to me, never mind all the stress of the wedding. I honestly was relieved...and then felt bad that I was relieved, which confused the heck out of Double Bass, because he has never had any problem cutting toxic people out of his life. I explained to him that it was kinda like my dreams of a happy family, as well as everyone being there, finally and really died. My mom, obviously, wasn't there, most of the family I'd invited ended up not coming for either health or travel reasons...for a moment there, it really, really sucked, because the wedding I had envisioned in my head since I was a kid was never gonna happen.
I cried, Double Bass comforted me, and then we kinda moved on from that. The wedding day ended up being wonderful, despite it being 46 degrees and pouring rain outside when we did our outdoor shots. The Mass went off with only one hitch (the server forgot to put the program in Father's book for the Mass and he stalled out for a second, but recovered beautifully), and the reception was great. Double Bass made a wonderful speech about how grateful he was for me and my love and trust in him, how he was grateful to his parents for how they raised him, and he did a sweet tribute to my dad and mom that...honestly made me bawl. Double Bass is not a "feelings in public" person, so I know it was hard for him, but it was so wonderful.
We ended up using punch for the quaich, and it went off fine. I'm sure no one would have cared if we'd had booze, but if I drink spirits, I make a face like my mouth turned inside out, so it was probably better just to have punch and avoid the awkward photos in 20 years.
As to my dad's marriage and not telling Gran and Gramps...*sigh* Double Bass (and frankly I) think it's ridiculous to hide that from them as though my dad's wife and marriage are something shameful - which, honestly, even though Dad doesn't think that, that's what it looks as though he's showing by his secrecy. There is nothing to be gained by hiding something that big...but if we told Gran and Gramps now, they would be furious at me for straight up lying to them for multiple years, no matter if I was told to or not. And my relationship with my grandparents affects my relationship with my uncles as well - I worry I would never see them again if that blew up. Regardless of whether that's just of them or not, that's the situation. And that's kinda getting beyond etiquette into studying toxic family dynamics and whatnot.
The important things are that I'm now Mrs. Double Bass, that our wedding wasn't a disaster, and that everyone behaved themselves or stayed home. I'm glad that I married into a family (at least, Double Bass' immediate family) that understands familial abuse and trauma, and is there for me to help me understand and process and realize I'm not a worthless toerag who everyone resents having around. When everyone else had left, and it was just Double Bass, his family, and me breaking everything down...I realized for the first time what family was supposed to be like. I mean, yes, I had good times with my sister and parents, but there was always the threat of someone blowing up because I said or did the wrong thing. My mom folded towels *at* me when she was mad (she learned some very toxic behaviors from her parents, unfortunately).