Author Topic: Is this a classic example of looking for a reason to be insulted?  (Read 1422 times)

Aleko

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the groom said their wedding planner or stationery person had been ADAMANT that unmarried people's names were to be treated this way.

Why on earth do people meekly cave in to the hired help? Especially when they know for sure that what the hired help is proposing is going to hurt and offend?
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Chez Miriam

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I would think "looking to be offended", but without knowing any of the parties I would be unwilling to rule out a serious clash of personalities* causing it to be BEC.

Even with a 'cracker-eating-hearing' situation, I wouldn't actually say anything.  And I hope I would cut some slack for a bride-to-be who sounds to be shouldering the whole planning/doing process without help from the 'wrong-lane' groom.

* I know getting my name wrong irritates me (much more) when it comes from someone who is dismissive of my feelings but we all need to tiptoe around their delicate sensibilities.  People who I like can take the most phenomenal liberties, and I'll answer to anything!
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich
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TootsNYC

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the groom said their wedding planner or stationery person had been ADAMANT that unmarried people's names were to be treated this way.

Why on earth do people meekly cave in to the hired help? Especially when they know for sure that what the hired help is proposing is going to hurt and offend?

The groom had apparently argued back quite a bit and then eventually decided he couldn't stomach the argument anymore. I was kind of amazed at the vendor's digging in her heels in the face of the groom's arguments.

pierrotlunaire0

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When reading the column before seeing this here, I thought the woman was spoiling for a fight. I mean, yes, it's irritating, but chill out.
I have enough lithium in my medicine cabinet to power three cars across a sizeable desert.  Which makes me officially...Three Cars Crazy
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Jem

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the groom said their wedding planner or stationery person had been ADAMANT that unmarried people's names were to be treated this way.

Why on earth do people meekly cave in to the hired help? Especially when they know for sure that what the hired help is proposing is going to hurt and offend?

The groom had apparently argued back quite a bit and then eventually decided he couldn't stomach the argument anymore. I was kind of amazed at the vendor's digging in her heels in the face of the groom's arguments.

I do think it matters whether the couple getting married wants to invite Bob and wants to invite Carol and Bob and Carol are in a relationship but not married, as opposed to the couple wants to invite Bob and whomever he is dating. I can see awkward situations in which the couple wants to invite Bob, puts Carol on the invitation as opposed to "and guest," Bob and Carol break up and Bob wants to bring his current girlfriend instead.

TootsNYC

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well, that's the point of sending the invitation to Bob (if they don't live together).

In the case of a friend who is dating casually but steadily, I used to advocate sending an invitation to Bob and including a handwritten note that says, "Please feel free to extend our invitation to Carol; we'd love to have her accompany you."

I just made it up, and I don't think anybody ever did it.
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Gellchom

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This major overreaction to a mistake is clearly about something else in their relationship, not an envelope.

Iíve been married for nearly 38 years.  I never changed my name.  Iíve never used any other name, including my husbandís name or a hyphenated name, in any context, ever.

But people often call me by my husbandís name, or hyphenate my name with his (which they never do to his name).

Whatís really amusing is that a couple of my cousins ó whose last name is exactly the same as mine ó keep addressing mail to me by the hyphenated name.  Iím sure they donít do that to insult or bug me, though ó itís certainly because the kidsí names were hyphenated, and they got confused and forgot that mine wasnít, too, even though theyíve gotten plenty of invitations and notes from me with my correct name.

I donít like it, especially when itís someone who, if they were paying attention, should know better.  But look, even those nice, loving cousins make the mistake.  Iíd like to think I never do, with others, but probably I do, too.

So, yeah, itís irritating.  But would I decline an invitation over it?  Insist on a new one?

Please be serious.

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Runningstar

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I don't think that it was an intentional insult. 

If I did think that it was meant by the bride to be as a slight towards me, she would be the last person that I'd let know if it bothered me.  I'd be sure to go and enjoy myself to the fullest, and to be the perfect guest.  That is the best "revenge" to get! 
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MarmaladeMom

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Well considering that my own father couldnít seem to grasp that I never changed my last name when I married (to the extent he misnamed me in his will and all other legal documentation and we only found out after he passed away recently) I have decided something like this situation wouldnít  faze me.** She was looking for a reason to be mad, I think.

** Weíve only been married for 25 years at this point.....
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Chez Miriam

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I've been thinking about this, and would love to know if the name wrongness was "Elizabeth" instead of "Caitlyn", or if it was one of the mistakes I'm sure I make when sending cards: Lyn/Lynn/Lynne, Carol/Carole, Vivian/Vivienne, and most recently I wrote "Amy" when it should have been "Ami". :'(

I hope that the sentiment of "we're thinking of you" counts more than "I spelled my husband's friend's wife's name wrong in a Christmas card"...

Off topic, but my mum recently came into some money, and has gifted some to each of her children [avoidance of Death Taxes], and she can get my family name right on the check [the one I was born with], and get it wrong on the envelope [the one I didn't take on marriage], so I'm pretty sure the envelope thing is making a point...

Which I blithely ignore. ;) ;D
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich
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Hmmm

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MarmaladeMom's post reminded me of a situation that I'm still dealing with 25 years later. My parents died before I married so I inherited some assets which were in my maiden name. For my legal name, I chose to use my full firstname, maiden name, and husbands last name, primarily dropping my middle name.

Soon after I married, I inherited some stocks from a great aunt. The family point of contact listed me as FN, middle name, and husbands last name. I could deal with that. Another aunt passed and that point of contact provided the administrator my shortened first name, my maiden name last initial, and my husbands last name. Another family member passed 10 years after marriage and suddenly the family contact had me as firstname and husbands last name and no middle initial or middle name.

Trying to get Computershare to understand that yes, this is the same person with the same SS# but for some reason has 6 different "legal" names is always fun.

LifeOnPluto

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I definitely don't think the Bride deliberately misspelt the LW's name to upset her! At most, this sounds like carelessness. I get that it stings to think "Hey, this person doesn't care enough about me to even bother checking how my name is spelled!" but honestly, I'd let this one go, if I were the LW. Threatening to boycott the wedding seems like a massive overreaction. Not to mention, it puts her poor husband in an awkward position. Does he take his wife's side and not attend (and thus risk losing his friendship)? Or does he attend the wedding, and risk upsetting his wife even more?

At the risk of sounding cynical, I'm wondering whether the LW is looking for an excuse to break up her husband's friendship with this couple...
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Twik

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My first name is one letter away from that of a famous singer, who once said "I don't care how you spell my name, as long as you spell it wrong."

So, for most of my life, it's even money if my name or Famous Singer's name will appear on anything addressed to me. And honestly, I don't care. People spell what they hear.
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DaDancingPsych

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Even if the bride was a terrible person who had made the letter writer's life miserable, I do not think that she handled this well. It would have been more gracious to over look the misspelling and assume it was an honest error. Even if she had absolutely no intentions of ever attending this wedding, there seems no reason to pick a fight (which is exactly what she did.) The husbands also allowed this to come in-between their friendships. The LW's husband should have talked her down and the groom should have simply said, "Must have been an error, I will let Bride know."

So yes, I think that the LW was looking to be insulted. It's like she was looking for a reason not to like the bride. You really do not need a reason to dislike someone, but I just cannot come up with a productive reason for acting out on it.
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Twik

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No, if she wanted to insult her, the bride would have addressed it to husband first and last name and guest.


Back when I wrote the wedding etiquette column, I had a colleague whose partner received an invitation like that from one of his friends--and the colleague and her partner were close to the bride & groom!

When the partner called his friend to ask about why his live-in long-time girlfriend's name was not on the invitation, and to say that he was offended and upset about it, the groom said their wedding planner or stationery person had been ADAMANT that unmarried people's names were to be treated this way.

I made a column out of it. Basically saying, "if you're the bride/groom, don't do this. But if you get something like this, try to cut them some slack--B&G's get a lot of people confidently insisting they do completely inconsiderate things."

I think Miss Manners had a column on this, answering the question "Is it correct to send an invitation to an unmarried couple (e.g.) as 'John Doe and Guest'?"

Her answer was "Yes, if her name is Guest, although the form should be 'Mr John Doe and Ms Jane Guest.' If it's not her name, find out what it is, and use it."
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