Bad Manners and Brimstone

It's not common in DH's circle.  The only family no-shows were two of his nephews.  One of which is getting married on Saturday.  Very tempted to no-show but we won't.  It has coloured my opinion of said nephew and we aren't going all out on a gift, like we might otherwise have done.  It will be appropriate and about the norm for the family, though.

Quote from: DaDancingPsych on September 09, 2022, 07:43:33 pm

Quote from: STiG on September 08, 2022, 01:19:46 pm

It's not common in DH's circle.  The only family no-shows were two of his nephews.  One of which is getting married on Saturday.  Very tempted to no-show but we won't.  It has coloured my opinion of said nephew and we aren't going all out on a gift, like we might otherwise have done.  It will be appropriate and about the norm for the family, though.

I think that it is completely understandable that this could alter one's opinion of another. If I circle back, this is why I feel that it may be appropriate to contact the no shows. Not to shame them, but rather to alert them of the potential harm that could be done to a relationship. I imagine that most no shows are not malicious, but rather lacking thought.

I think any harm that could be done to a relationship has already been done unless one can simply forgive and forget.  Alerting someone to potential harm will only serve to put them on the defensive or make them feel bad for having upset you by costing you the money.  There are circumstances that any of us would accept as a reason why they couldn't attend, but I think those reasons would have been stated immediately.

Quote from: DaDancingPsych on September 10, 2022, 05:29:31 pm

Quote from: oogyda on September 10, 2022, 06:40:24 am

Quote from: DaDancingPsych on September 09, 2022, 07:43:33 pm

Quote from: STiG on September 08, 2022, 01:19:46 pm

It's not common in DH's circle.  The only family no-shows were two of his nephews.  One of which is getting married on Saturday.  Very tempted to no-show but we won't.  It has coloured my opinion of said nephew and we aren't going all out on a gift, like we might otherwise have done.  It will be appropriate and about the norm for the family, though.

I think that it is completely understandable that this could alter one's opinion of another. If I circle back, this is why I feel that it may be appropriate to contact the no shows. Not to shame them, but rather to alert them of the potential harm that could be done to a relationship. I imagine that most no shows are not malicious, but rather lacking thought.

I think any harm that could be done to a relationship has already been done unless one can simply forgive and forget.  Alerting someone to potential harm will only serve to put them on the defensive or make them feel bad for having upset you by costing you the money.  There are circumstances that any of us would accept as a reason why they couldn't attend, but I think those reasons would have been stated immediately.

I don't think I was clear. Potential harm to other relationships. If my brother no showed at my wedding, I would want to ensure that he understands that it could upset his best friend / niece / coworker if he did the same to them.

I get what you're saying, and I generally admire your position on most threads, but I have to disagree.  Looking at this through my own life-colored glasses that have learned to see through the passive/aggressive motivation behind the "I'm only telling you this so you'll do better in the future", it would come across as a dig and clearly convey that you are upset by it.

I went to a wedding once where the ceremony was at 4:30 followed by cocktail hour and then (presumably) dinner and dancing. Except the cocktail hour went until 6:00 and then they started announcing the wedding party (pretty normal in my experience) and then they did all sorts of dances and speeches and pretty soon it was 8:00 (unusual in my experience). A little after 8:00 salads appeared at our tables (yes - finally!) but then more dancing and speeches. We left at about 9:35 and there was no indication that dinner was imminent. My coworker (it was her daughter getting married) was irritated that we didn’t stay but we were starving and had to get up early the next day. I wonder if she thought that was a “no show” for dinner?