Author Topic: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite  (Read 979 times)

PVZFan

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #15 on: September 24, 2020, 12:27:27 pm »
We are living "safety trumps etiquette" every. single. day. This couple is doing the best they can in the middle of a global pandemic. This isn't a B-list invite, it's a "We're trying to navigate an insane situation and still get married and share the day with the people we love" invitation.

I'd set the gift budget on what I'd give if I were attending and might add a touch because... global pandemic. (Also, I'm not out anything to attend this wedding. Not driving to it or staying overnight. Not even buying the $12 shiny hose I like because... Zoom.)
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iolaus

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #16 on: September 28, 2020, 11:06:22 am »
One of my friends was told she had to cut her wedding down from 300 (huge families on both sides) to 150...and then 2 weeks before her wedding was told only 50 were allowed. She and her now husband had to call 100 people in their family and close loved ones and tell them they couldn't come in person. And it sucked. I can't imagine the level of stress she and her husband had.

Be grateful she's not in England from today you can only have 15 (down from 30) - though the person conducting the ceremony doesn't count in the 15 (I think the Bridge and Groom do) (I want to say it's 20 in Scotland and 30 in Wales still)

Baptisms and christenings are even smaller - 6 people (not including the vicar - but does include the baby)

jpcher

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #17 on: September 29, 2020, 02:51:49 pm »
I agree with others to send them a gift that you would if you were attending. I don't think that Zooming weddings, etc. were a thing before this pandemic and at this time and age it is not B-listing.

Consider my MIL who passed away earlier this year. She was very explicit on what she wanted for her passing ceremonies which included a full Mass where nobody was turned away at the door (MIL was very active in her church and loved by all). MIL also asked for a reception (I think that's what you would call it) at a specific place and even wanted a certain menu to be served.

MIL's two sons and one daughter very much wanted to comply with her last wishes. They set a date for the Mass/reception for mid-September thinking that all this would be over with. Not. They had to cancel the plans simply because they didn't know who to invite and did not want to B-list anybody.

Meanwhile MIL's sons and daughter held a very private ceremony (just the three of them) and put MIL's ashes urn into the crypt along side of her husbands.

Who knows when MIL's Mass/reception will take place.


Anyway, sorry for the slight derailment, but I don't think you were B-listed and you should gift what you think is appropriate for the relationship that you have with HC.


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DaDancingPsych

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #18 on: September 29, 2020, 03:21:07 pm »
I agree. Not necessarily a B-list; gift as you would normally, but a thought...

We all know that couples have to sometimes make tough decisions when it comes to wedding numbers. They may have to keep to a specific cutoff number for various reasons and it can sometimes be tricky to decide who to keep and who to cut. This Zoom allows them to not have to cut anyone! So it's possible that a few people who may have been cut from an in-person wedding are invited to the virtual one.

The last two weddings that I attending (pre-covid) both had me scratching my head. I was delighted to be invited, but I never imagined that I would make the cut! I wonder if those weddings would have been this summer and I was invited to Zoom if I would have felt a bit like the OP. Either way, I may still have attended virtually and would have likely sent a gift for both.

Gellchom

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #19 on: September 29, 2020, 03:38:30 pm »
I was thinking something similar to DaDancingPsych.

I mean, I don't think that the OP's situation is a B list or otherwise improper.  I'm assuming that the guest list (the small in-person number plus the Zoom number) is the same or pretty close, with perhaps a few additions, as DaDancingPsych says.

I think it's understandable to invite more people to a Zoom event if your budget would not have allowed you to invite all the people you truly want to be there.  I don't know how you'd even judge which guests were the "extras" if you were planning it as a Zoom event from the start.  So far, we are mostly seeing weddings that had been planned as in-person events that had to be rescheduled as Zoom weddings.  But now we will be seeing more that are planned as a Zoom from the get go.

But I suppose a Zoom wedding would allow a more mercenary couple who might have invited, say, 150 to a regular wedding to invite, like, a THOUSAND people to a Zoom wedding.  That wouldn't be a B list situation -- but it would be a gift grab, big time.

And the guests wouldn't even know it until they show up for the Zoom wedding and see all those people there (attendance seems usually to be quite high for a Zoom event).

Now, I haven't heard of this happening.  But I fear it's only a matter of time. ... 
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TootsNYC

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #20 on: September 30, 2020, 05:43:02 pm »
I think attendance for Zoom weddings will fall off REALLY quickly post-pandemic. Attending might be cheap, but it's also not appealing.

And I think guests still know how close they are to the couple, and they'll make very similar decisions about whether to give a gift. I think for most people, they kind of know whether they want to be generous or whether they want to kind of brush it off.

Gellchom

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #21 on: September 30, 2020, 08:29:18 pm »
LOL!  Well, that wasn't a very long wait ....

We got an invitation, I think by private Facebook group, not a "come one come all" Facebook post -- can't find it right now -- to a Zoom wedding.  The family are active congregants of the congregation where my husband is clergy, but we have never socialized with them.  I'm sure that we would have been invited if my husband were performing the wedding; it's pretty rude not to, especially because they do know us. 

But he's not officiating at this wedding.  So I doubt that we would have been invited had it been an in-person wedding rather than Zoom.

Still, I can't say it was for a gift grab.  I think maybe they just realized that there really was no limit on how many people they could invite to a Zoom wedding, so why not be inclusive? -- that kind of thing.  They are nice people.  I don't want to assume the worst.

But I can see that this really creates an issue for hosts/HCs.  What really is the right criterion for a Zoom wedding?  It's easy to say it's the same as for any other wedding, but I don't think so, even just for questions like inviting kids, too, and such.  It's just not exactly the same thing.  And most people don't want to look gift-grabby, but it may not occur to them that they might be making that impression. Similarly, for guests, it's a different matter on whether to accept or not when so little effort and cost is required. 

It's true that Zoom weddings are not as fun as in-person.  But it is nice to be able to attend when you might not otherwise have been able to.  It's not just cheap, it's so easy and fast.  Our grandson's bris had people from all over the world.  So there is an up side, too, and I bet we will be seeing more live events combined with livestreaming, if not Zoom.

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TootsNYC

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #22 on: October 01, 2020, 08:04:33 am »
Oh, I wasn't knocking Zoom events. Just that the enticements and pressures will be different. I think that people who don't care as much will be more likely to not tune in even if they might have attended in person.


Aleko

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #23 on: October 01, 2020, 08:27:46 am »
Quote
But I can see that this really creates an issue for hosts/HCs.  What really is the right criterion for a Zoom wedding?  It's easy to say it's the same as for any other wedding, but I don't think so, even just for questions like inviting kids, too, and such.  It's just not exactly the same thing.  And most people don't want to look gift-grabby, but it may not occur to them that they might be making that impression. Similarly, for guests, it's a different matter on whether to accept or not when so little effort and cost is required.

I agree. When you're drawing up an invitation list for an actual physical wedding invite, your list is limited by your budget, the size of the venue, the distance potential guests will have to travel, etc. And people know that; your second cousins twice removed who live on the other side of the ocean are never going to pay the airfare to come, so you naturally don't invite them and they don't feel in the least snubbed because they never expected you to. With a Zoom wedding, lacking those constraints, they could 'attend', so do you invite them? Will it seem like a gift grab (because they know and you know that you wouldn't have dreamed of inviting them to a physical event) if you do? Will it seem like a snub if you don't? If you do invite them, will they feel obligated to take a day's leave and sit at a computer screen all day (or all night, given time zones) for fear of snubbing you? All very tricky.

Gellchom

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #24 on: October 01, 2020, 10:51:20 am »
Oh, I wasn't knocking Zoom events. Just that the enticements and pressures will be different. I think that people who don't care as much will be more likely to not tune in even if they might have attended in person.

I think Id guess the opposite, especially for out of town events.

TootsNYC

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #25 on: October 01, 2020, 04:41:36 pm »
I'd have to love the person a lot to want to sit and watch the wedding on Zoom.
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DaDancingPsych

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #26 on: October 02, 2020, 08:15:31 am »
Has anyone attended a Zoom wedding? I can picture two versions.

The one I see on the news and in a movie recently released (I won't spoil, so we'll leave it at that) where all participants can be seen on the screen and can interact with each other. A true Zoom conference call. This would be more fun as you could act as more of a wedding guests. However, it really only works if less than ten people are invited. Any more guests and everyone is talking over each other! This might be a little fun as I could at least wish the happy couple well and say hello to a few other guests.

Or more of a live stream where you can see and hear everything, but don't really interact with anyone. To me, this is like watching the wedding video after the fact and could become long and boring. For most couples, I would probably prefer to just watch the highlights.

I am simply trying to figure out how these work!  :)

Gellchom

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #27 on: October 04, 2020, 07:41:59 pm »
So today I ran into (at an outside, socially distanced event!) that man who invited us to be Zoom attendees at his daughter's wedding later this month.  He asked in a sort of roundabout way if we would be attending; I don't especially want to, but I couldn't really think of an excuse, so I said we would -- NBD. 

I learned a few things about the wedding pertinent to this discussion. 
- they hope to be able to have up to 30-40 people in live attendance
- they invited 200 by Zoom (not sure whether or not that includes the live attendees).
- I asked if it hadn't been during the pandemic and they could have had a regular wedding, how many people they would have had.   He said they hadn't really thought about it, because the couple only got engaged fairly recently, so it had never been an option, but maybe around 100.

So this is sort of an example of what I'm wondering about.  I don't think they invited the let's-say-100 additional guests in order to maximize their take.  I mean, if that were the case, why not 500?  800?  They are nice people (although I just found out today that the groom's parents are people I knew long ago, and they are real nutters!)  I think that they just figured that the Zoom event made it possible for them to invite more people that they really do like than if they had had to host a live event.  But it's still double.  And others may indeed invite 500 or more to a Zoom or live stream wedding, because why not?  The more the merrier, and you aren't putting people on the spot to have to travel or even dress up, hire a sitter, park, etc., or even spend more than just an hour or so, not devote half a day or more.  All of that is actually quite reasonable. 

So what does it all mean?  If this kind of thing snowballs -- and there is really no reason to think it will not continue after the pandemic ends someday, either -- guests will be invited to weddings several times a year.  It's pretty hard to turn down an invitation that is so easy to accept without being insulting. 

But even if no one is doing it to be gift grabby, that could mean an awfully big wedding gift budget, especially for people you don't care all that much about.  My husband thinks that accepting an invitation to a Zoom event doesn't carry the same expectation of or need to give a gift as usual.  But I'm not so sure.  It comes down to the fact that the gift is for the marriage, not the wedding.  At the same time, if people invite people who would not ordinarily make the cut -- I don't mean a few more, I mean, "What the heck!  Let's invite everyone we think might like it" -- it doesn't feel like it's the same as usual. 

What do you think?  Take this wedding for example.  Does it make a difference that there will be 30-40 live attendees, although that's not their choice, just the rules?  Does it matter that it is 200, not 500?  Does it matter that I doubt we would have been invited had they had 100 people at a live event?  That the invitation was via Facebook?  Does any of it matter in terms of whether the hosts are doing anything rude or pushy or grabby or whatever?  Does any of it affect what you would do about a gift? 

I am really interested in everyone's opinions.

TootsNYC

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #28 on: October 04, 2020, 07:54:44 pm »
Has anyone attended a Zoom wedding? I can picture two versions.

The one I see on the news and in a movie recently released (I won't spoil, so we'll leave it at that) where all participants can be seen on the screen and can interact with each other. A true Zoom conference call. This would be more fun as you could act as more of a wedding guests. However, it really only works if less than ten people are invited. Any more guests and everyone is talking over each other! This might be a little fun as I could at least wish the happy couple well and say hello to a few other guests.



This could work with more people if you had a moderator, and people participated in shifts, sort of.
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gramma dishes

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Re: When a Zoom invite is a B List invite
« Reply #29 on: October 05, 2020, 08:25:53 am »

...
What do you think?  Take this wedding for example.  Does it make a difference that there will be 30-40 live attendees, although that's not their choice, just the rules?  Does it matter that it is 200, not 500? Does it matter that I doubt we would have been invited had they had 100 people at a live event?  That the invitation was via Facebook? Does any of it matter in terms of whether the hosts are doing anything rude or pushy or grabby or whatever?  Does any of it affect what you would do about a gift? 

I am really interested in everyone's opinions.

Yes.  It would matter to me.  If I felt reasonably sure I would not have been invited to a conventional wedding had it been possible and if I had received my invitation by email, I would not feel that the bride and groom really wanted the 'honor of my presence' at their wedding and I would not "attend" or send a gift.
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