Bad Manners and Brimstone

Okay so I am not a big fan of the Zola wedding registry, but I'm not writing to criticize or complain about them!  Or anyone.

I'm just wondering about a thank you note timing question created by their system, which I used recently to send a gift to a young cousin and her fiance.

On Zola, when you buy an item, it doesn't get shipped until a time chosen by the recipients, although they are notified right away.  Okay, fine, doesn't affect me as the giver.

But I am wondering when recipients think they are supposed to write thank you letters.  After they get the notification, or after they get the gift? 

I just sent it a few days ago, so it's not like this question comes from wondering why I haven't heard from them.  I'm just thinking about it generally.  It would also apply outside of such registries, to an out of stock gift for which the store sends the recipient a notice.

When do you think recipients should thank the givers: when the notification is received, or when the item arrives?  If someone asked for your advice, what would you tell them?

We sent all our Thank You cards after the wedding. We had Thank You cards printed with a photo of us from our wedding.

We sent all our Thank You cards after the wedding. We had Thank You cards printed with a photo of us from our wedding.

I hope you wrote on them and signed them, and sent them yourselves. I received a pre-printed, unsigned photo card from one HC, mailed by the printing company, with generic language about "thank you for the token...". I was gobsmacked.

I vote for as soon as you're notified. The giver has sent the gift as far as they are concerned. Whether the middle man, so to speak, sends it now or later, is not something that the giver should even have to care about.

It's like if the giver sent the gift to the address of the bride's parents. The couple might not take possession of the gift till after the wedding, so the gift might be sitting at the parents' house for a couple of months. But the couple still needs to thank the giver soon after the arrival of the gift at the parents' house.

I believe the same applies in this case.

But I would say in this instance, with a registry and a notification, that the arrival of the gift is now the responsibility of the recipient.

So whether it arrives safely isn't the guest's problem anymore.

Were I the gift-giver in that situation, I wouldn't think anything more about it.

I do think it would be extra nice to receive a quick note a few months later (via any medium--text, Facebook Messenger, letter--that said, "Wanted to let you know we used that blender for a cocktail party last night--boy, can it chop ice! Thanks again."

Or even, "Just thought I'd let you know, the toaster you gave us arrived safely last night. Thanks again."

But I wouldn't think I needed it.
I would, however, want to know that you saw my gesture of love right away.
Because it's the gesture, not the blender, that's important to me.

Before you forget what they gave you and mislay their address, i.e. "Sooner rather than later"!

I'll weigh in on my own question now --

I think that the recipient should write the note as promptly as possible after being notified.  It's the same principle as any thank you note: you express your appreciation as quickly as you can.  I have been mildly unimpressed when I gave gifts months before the wedding and never heard a word until after the wedding.  The wedding date really isn't even relevant: they gave you a gift, you got it.  This also serves the purpose of letting the giver know that the gift (or in this case the notification) was received.  The point is, the focus is on THEIR feelings.

With all due respect to those who waited until after the wedding (and presumably at least two more weeks for printing) so that they could include a photo on or in the card -- I wouldn't do that for gifts received substantially in advance.  Like, if your wedding is in September, and you receive a gift in June, don't make the givers wait that long.  (For gifts received just a week or two before the wedding, it's not a big deal.)  But including a picture isn't important enough to outweigh the primary purpose of a thank you note: to show enthusiastic gratitude for the gift.  Putting that off for months just so that you can include a photo of yourselves doesn't serve that.

I was really surprised to see that the "Practical Wedding" site includes the misinformation that you have a year to write your thank you notes.  Plenty of commenters took her to task on that one!  I am guessing that this all too common belief is based on a misunderstanding of the etiquette rule that wedding guests have a year after the wedding to GIVE a gift promptly. 

Similarly, perhaps the idea that you wait until after the wedding to write thank you notes even for gifts received way before the wedding day is confusion over the rule that you aren't supposed to USE the gifts until after the wedding. 

As for including "We were so happy/sorry you could/couldn't join us at our wedding," although it isn't required, I would do that if I were writing after the wedding anyway, but I wouldn't put it off just for that.  You just say it, and pretty much all the things Hmmm put in her post, in the future tense.  I like including things in thank you notes that aren't just about you and the gift; it shows you think of the giver as a person you value, not just the giver of a gift you value.  So I always include that, and, if I can, something else about THEIR lives -- "Have a great time on your trip," "Pat Fluffy for me" or "We know your roses will be the pride of the neighborhood again this year" -- like that.

I think it is really, really risky to write notes to people from whom no gift has been received (yet! some always come later) just thanking them for attending, though.  No matter how you say it, and no matter how sincere your motives, there is no way that it won't come across as a nudge to send a gift, or at least make the recipient wonder if it is.  If I got a note like that, I'd probably be on the phone immediately saying "Your gift is on the way!  I'm still crocheting it/It was out of stock, but it should arrive soon."  Because the convention is that guests write to thank hosts for hospitality, not the other way around, doing this always looks like it has an unfortunate subtext.  You don't want to risk your guests' feeling like they are being called out for not ponying up faster.

There seems to be no end to rationalizations for putting off writing thank you notes!  And of course around a wedding, there are so many gifts, and so much going on, that of course you can't write them all as quickly as you could for, say, your birthday; even Miss Manners admits that. 

But the principle is the same: you write them as promptly as you possibly can.  You want the person who was nice enough to give you a gift to know that expressing your appreciation to them is a top priority and a pleasure, not a chore.

I'm still in the middle, after received - whether that falls before or after the wedding, but not upon notice.  I'm getting the feeling that there are now three times being looked at, notice, receipt of gift, and event the gift is for.