Bad Manners and Brimstone

I'm still in the middle, after received - whether that falls before or after the wedding, but not upon notice.  I'm getting the feeling that there are now three times being looked at, notice, receipt of gift, and event the gift is for.

The date of the event is really irrelevant, when you think about it.  The note is a response to the gift, not the event.  And for that matter, the gift is really for the marriage, not the wedding (like a birthday gift is for the birthday, not the party).

As between notice and receipt, I think it depends upon how far apart the two are, and why*.  If the registry or a store for some reason sends a notice to someone that a gift is on its way to them, and it won't be long, then I think it's fine to wait until it comes.  But if it's going to be months, I wouldn't wait.  To use this wedding as an example, the wedding is in June, and I sent the gift in February, right after receiving the invitation.  If for some reason they don't want gifts before the wedding -- or maybe even much later, like if they are going to be moving or something -- I don't think that they should wait all that time before thanking the givers.

*I added "why," because Lowspark made a really good point, too, for situations like Zola:

Whether the recipient chooses to have it delivered immediately, a month from now, or never, is immaterial.

That was a click -- the reason for the gap between notice and delivery is the recipient's choice (not like a back order or something).  The gift has been purchased for them, and they know it, and there's nothing more that the giver can do about it.  It's not all that different than if they put it into storage.  So in this situation, I think that the notification "starts the clock" on a prompt thank you note.

Quote from: QueenFaninCA on February 25, 2020, 04:54:08 pm

We sent all our Thank You cards after the wedding. We had Thank You cards printed with a photo of us from our wedding.

I hope you wrote on them and signed them, and sent them yourselves. I received a pre-printed, unsigned photo card from one HC, mailed by the printing company, with generic language about "thank you for the token...". I was gobsmacked.

Of course we wrote personal messages on each of them. We simply used a card that had a picture from our wedding printed on it instead of a generic Thank You card.

Thanks for the book info.

I should have qualified by timing--I stopped reading new etiquette books when I switched jobs, which was before the 6th edition came out.

I think that's a pretty new idea.
I wouldn't say you shouldn't do it, and I'd probably say that most people will actually expect some mention of it.

I would say after I receive the actual gift.

1) What if I don't receive it?
2) What if it is damaged?
3) What if the wedding is called off?

It would be weird to say "I thanked you for the gift...but it turns out I never received it."

In this case, if you don't receive it, you contact the registry service and ask them what's up. Because you have a relationship with that company (in a traditional situation, you might not).

If it's damaged, you handle the return yourself with the registry service/store that you contracted with.

If the wedding is called off, you arrange with the service to send it back.

Well, well!  How the times have played a hand in viewing this question.

I have not received a thank you note for the gift.  I don't care, although I'm not especially impressed -- I still think the right thing to do is to write promptly upon notice, even if you have asked the company not to deliver yet.

(As an aside, it occurs to me: I have no idea whether they had it delivered already or have asked the company to wait.  So if you are counting on your guests to understand that you are waiting to receive the actual gift, don't bet on it, because they don't know that you haven't.)

Anyway, I am not mad at my cousin (I forgot all about it, in fact).  The reason I am writing is, as you have probably guessed, that there is a very good chance that this wedding is not going to happen in June because of the pandemic.  I haven't heard anything about canceling or postponing, probably because they are going to wait a little while yet to see if it will be possible to have it as planned in June.  That's what I would do; for our part, we haven't cancelled our hotel reservations yet, because although the odds aren't good, there's still a chance, so no need to decide yet.

But let's say that they decide either to postpone the wedding they'd planned, or just cancel it and get married privately with just an officiant standing 6 feet away (there was such a wedding reported in the NYT this morning) or something.  I still want them to have the gift, of course, even if the plans change to something that doesn't include us -- it's for the marriage, not for the wedding. 

Now what do they do about writing thank you notes?  I can only imagine how stressful it would be to write them now; they are surely going nuts trying to figure out what to do about the wedding, and they couldn't really write about the gift without saying SOMETHING about the wedding plans now to people who all are waiting to know, but what could they say?  But if they put the wedding off for an indeterminate time, maybe in the fall or next year, that's getting awfully long to wait to write.  Now I'm glad that I sent my gift early and Zola notified them that I did!  My part in this is over.

It would surely seem awkward to wait until after the wedding to thank people if the plans change so that those people are no longer invited.  It's okay to make those plans, it just would make writing those notes tricky.

So to me, this situation underscores that the date of the wedding itself is completely irrelevant to when the note should be written.  If the gift comes shortly before the wedding, no big deal if you wait until after (although I still wouldn't -- it's still nice to be prompt, and anyway, you'll be glad later that you wrote as many as you could before it became a mountain).  But if the gift -- or the notification -- comes many weeks or even months before, write promptly.

I am sure that my poor cousin must be wishing that they'd already written their notes and not have it hanging over her like this. 

She must even be wondering if they need to send the gifts back, or at least offer to, if they cancel the wedding.  I know I wouldn't want them to, and I imagine that will be true of all the guests, but it probably would be gracious to offer.  What would you do?

I don't see it as tricky at all.

No matter what they decide to do, they'll need to communicate to all guests, not just the ones who have sent out gifts in advance.

In their shoes, once I sent this communication, I would start sending out thank you's, if I haven't already, for any gifts that have already been purchased.

If they do delay the wedding, I doubt the stores would hold on to the merchandise for many months so it's not like they would be delaying receipt of the gift.

I also do not think they should offer to return the gift. As you said, the gift is for the marriage not for attending a fancy event.

I am curious why you send out gifts months in advance. I usually don't send the gift until at least the invitation is received which is usually 6 to 8 weeks prior to the wedding. Of course, I often know about the weddings from safe the dates and communications about hotel arrangements. But I always figure that until the invites go out, the plans could actually change.

I am curious why you send out gifts months in advance. I usually don't send the gift until at least the invitation is received which is usually 6 to 8 weeks prior to the wedding. Of course, I often know about the weddings from safe the dates and communications about hotel arrangements. But I always figure that until the invites go out, the plans could actually change.

That's when the invitation came!  I don't know why they sent them so early.  Maybe just to the out of town people, although they had already sent save the date magnets.

I often send my gift as soon as I get the invitation.  Then I don't forget, and, if I want to choose my gift from the registry, I have more choice.  I make a note on the invitation on my freezer of what I sent, though, because the down side of doing it so early is that I don't remember if I sent something or not, especially if there are a few weddings in the works.

I agree, they don't have to offer to return the gifts if they end up un-inviting the guests, I just think that it's something some people might do just to be extra gracious.  But I would be very surprised if a single person agreed to it!