Author Topic: When should you write the thank you note?  (Read 1911 times)

TootsNYC

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #30 on: April 09, 2020, 03:44:16 pm »
My advice to them would be to write that thank-you note now. Some people, like you, wouldn't much care, but others might have that thought niggling in the back of their mind.

Why have that happen on your happy day? And if you thank them before, then at the reception, they'll talk about it--and you--in a happy way. Which will make you look good!
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Chez Miriam

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #31 on: April 10, 2020, 07:22:03 am »
I sent a gift [that I could barely afford it was not the recipients' problem] for a wedding that...

Never actually happened, as such: the couple did all of it, apart from marriage ceremony itself - dress/tuxedo, limousine, flowers, reception, dancing till late.

I did not receive a thank-you note, nor the offer of the gift/money back [did it through a department store registry].

When the couple finally did tie the knot, >20 years later, I felt no need to buy a (second) present.

Had they thanked me the first time around [or offered to get my money back (by returning the item to the store); which I wouldn't have accepted], I most certainly would have got them a second gift [even if just a decent token] for the 'real' wedding - i.e. the one that contained a marriage, even though that one didn't have a party.

It's like the poster upthread saying that TYNs may help prompt future generosity; it's not the reason to do them, but if self-interest is all that matters, they still serve a purpose!
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich

Aleko

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #32 on: April 10, 2020, 08:54:13 am »
Quote
A wedding that never ... Actually happened, as such

How come? Did they intend to marry but change their minds and decide just to live together? Or break up before the wedding but decide to go ahead with the party anyway since it was already paid for? Or announce it as a 'wedding' although all along they didn't actually mean to tie the legal knot?

Doesn't make any difference to the rudeness and ingratitude of not thanking for presents, but I'm just intrigued!
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Chez Miriam

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #33 on: April 10, 2020, 11:01:59 am »
Quote
A wedding that never ... Actually happened, as such

How come? Did they intend to marry but change their minds and decide just to live together? Or break up before the wedding but decide to go ahead with the party anyway since it was already paid for? Or announce it as a 'wedding' although all along they didn't actually mean to tie the legal knot?

Doesn't make any difference to the rudeness and ingratitude of not thanking for presents, but I'm just intrigued!

They'd been living together a long time [nearly ten years?], decided to get married, arranged and paid for it all, and the night before were having a chat and decided they weren't ready yet.  Then, because it was the next day and all the out of towners were in town for the wedding/reception, they got all dressed up nicely, cancelled the registrar and had the limo drive them around a bit longer till they went to the venue and announced to all gathered that the marriage wasn't happening but the party was: "we're happy as we are, please eat and drink all the lovely food/beverages, and dance with us".

A mere 20-or-so years later, apparently they were ready, and got married in Australia with friends as witnesses and had a small party out there and several gatherings with friends/family when they got back.

TL;DR: they fully intended to marry, but got very-last-minute cold feet, partied hard, then went back to living together for another couple of decades before tying the knot for real. :D
"All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well."  - Julian of Norwich
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jpcher

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #34 on: April 10, 2020, 02:41:51 pm »
Off topic -- what does TL;DR: mean? I've seen it several times.
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STiG

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #35 on: April 10, 2020, 03:01:36 pm »
Too long, didn't read
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TootsNYC

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #36 on: April 10, 2020, 03:17:37 pm »
Too long, didn't read

It's used to mean "here's the short version"
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gellchom

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #37 on: April 12, 2020, 09:48:51 am »
This was in the New York Times “Social Q’s” column today. https://www.nytimes.com/2020/04/09/style/coronavirus-unemployment-financial-help.html?searchResultPosition=1
  (I am quoting this excerpt, because I understand it can be hard to access the Times website, except for coronavirus stories, if you are not a subscriber.  If this is a violation of our rules, please remove this post.)

***
New Date T.B.D.
Thanks to Covid-19, we must reschedule our daughter’s bat mitzvah that was set for early May. Invitations have already gone out, and we’ve received some R.S.V.P.’s and our daughter has gotten some checks in the mail. We decided not to do a Zoom event, but we haven’t finalized the new date yet. When we do, we’ll send out new invitations. But what should we do in the meantime about people who’ve already R.S.V.P.’d or sent checks?

ANONYMOUS

I’m sorry for your daughter — and for you, too. Have faith, though! Your proud moment (and your daughter’s super fun party) will come eventually. Still, I’d hold off on making new arrangements until we know more about the course of this virus. Better to avoid the double-whammy of having to cancel the same event twice.

Email all invitees to notify them of the postponement. (They may be waiting to hear from you.) Tell them you’ll send new invitations when it’s safe to plan again. Then ask your daughter to send thank-you notes to those who gave checks. Offering to return them seems like a cruel formality to me. But she can do that, if you prefer. And give her lots of space to talk about her disappointment. She’s entitled to it!
***
« Last Edit: April 12, 2020, 09:50:55 am by Gellchom »

gellchom

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We got an email from our cousin that the wedding, originally in June and rescheduled for August, has been postponed again.

This time they said that the wedding will be in 2021, and that they are "shooting for" June 12, 2021.

I feel so sorry for them.  What a disappointment.

I do think that they should not be giving a THIRD date, more than a year in the future, especially because it's not at all definite, but it isn't like anyone has to do anything about it, so it's not a problem.

It does look kind of weird to keep pushing back a wedding for which TWO invitations have already been sent.  I know they must be excited about the wedding they planned, but in their shoes, I would just get married already and have the big reception in the future (I would think that the convention of not calling it a "wedding reception" if it is long after the wedding would be suspended under the circumstances); I would think that everyone would still come.  I know I would. 

People do sometimes put off their marriages for a couple of years to save up for a wedding.  But once the wedding has already been set -- twice -- and then postponed -- twice -- even where, as here, it is due to circumstances entirely beyond their control, it just seems to me to be a little too much emphasis on the celebration and not enough on beginning their marriage.

She's such a down to earth woman, and so are her parents, so I would totally have guessed wrong on this.  Whatever they do, I'm thrilled for them and will be there if we can (by next June we will probably be living overseas, so it might be harder).

Anyway, back to my original question: NOW what should they do about those thank you notes? 

The invitation came in February, so that's when I sent my gift, and I presume others already did, too.  I don't know whether they had Zola (or the merchants; I don't know how it works) deliver some or all of the gifts people ordered.  I do know that Zola says they notify them when someone buys a gift.  As I wrote above, I don't think that receipt of the actual gift matters anyway: you are thanking someone for giving you a gift, which they already did, whether or not you instructed the merchant to store it for you (which the giver doesn't even know).  So as far as the giver is concerned, you have gotten your gift from them. 

At this point I don't think that there is any question: they should thank people for the gifts they have received/been notified about without further delay.  Presumably they were waiting until after the wedding (which, as I wrote above, I think is wrong anyway; the thank you note isn't about the wedding, irrespective of whether you also include "so glad/sorry you could/couldn't/can/can't join us").  But if they do that now, it means that some people won't be thanked for almost a year and a half -- at least -- after sending a gift.  That just can't be okay, even given the weird circumstances. 

This would be another benefit of getting married now and having the reception later.



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jpcher

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #39 on: May 20, 2020, 04:33:22 am »
I'm beginning to think that TYs are passé because I've been to two baby showers and one wedding in the past year (all involved were under 30 years old) and did not receive one TY note.

Okay, at the showers there were hugs and "TY for coming and the wonderful gift!" so I guess that's somewhat of a recognition. For the wedding? A sizable check . . . and crickets. Nada. Nothing.

Gellchom -- I hate to say it, but in my recent experience, I don't think you'll ever receive a Thank You note, no matter when the wedding takes place.
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lowspark

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #40 on: May 20, 2020, 08:48:05 am »
Gellchom -- I hate to say it, but in my recent experience, I don't think you'll ever receive a Thank You note, no matter when the wedding takes place.

Yup. That's what I was going to say. And honestly, it's totally forgivable in this case. I bet that TY notes are the furthest thing from this couple's mind right now.

I think that it's easy for us, who are not in the situation to muse upon what we would do if we were, and to speculate on what might be construed as too much emphasis on the wrong thing. And years from now, when this couple looks back they might think, you know, we shoulda just done xyz instead.

But these are unprecedented times. There's nothing to look back at, no friend's or relative's experience to reference, nothing in etiquette books, etc. that address "what to do when a pandemic shuts everything down indefinitely right before your wedding and you have no way of knowing whether it will last two months or two years".

So this couple, along with so many others trying to deal with how to celebrate life-cycle events, among a great many other dilemmas, are just groping around in the dark, and doing what seems right in the moment. Some of these things, while they might be considered a fail under normal circumstances, need to be taken and evaluated in the context of the time.

In the end, I wouldn't be surprised if this couple does actually do just what you're proposing: get married in a private ceremony, and have a celebration when it becomes possible. Or not. But in the meantime, I would probably just take it as it comes, which I know that you are! And yeah. I'd pretty much give up on the TY notes and consider it a pleasant, unexpected surprise, if it ever does arrive in the future!

TootsNYC

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #41 on: May 20, 2020, 09:22:49 am »
I'm beginning to think that TYs are passé because I've been to two baby showers and one wedding in the past year (all involved were under 30 years old) and did not receive one TY note.

Okay, at the showers there were hugs and "TY for coming and the wonderful gift!" so I guess that's somewhat of a recognition. For the wedding? A sizable check . . . and crickets. Nada. Nothing.

Gellchom -- I hate to say it, but in my recent experience, I don't think you'll ever receive a Thank You note, no matter when the wedding takes place.

Back when I wrote the etiquette column, the Emily Post book I had said that TY notes for shower gifts weren't required if thanks had been expressed in person. For small showers, where there's genuine interaction over the opening of presents, "putting it in writing" seems silly. For the big showers like the ones my ILs' family has, there is simply not an opportunity to properly thank people for the gift, so a note is really important.
    However, many of the shower TYnotes I get just say generically "thanks for the gift," so I really don't care about getting them. (I was a little disappointed to get such a gift for the present I gave in which I top-stitched napkins in the colors of their everyday dishes.)
     I've usually forgotten, especially because they arrive after a few weeks, and when an obvious TYnote envelope arrives in the mail, I'm standing there saying, "This looks like it's a TYnote; who did I give a gift to?"

gellchom

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #42 on: May 20, 2020, 10:03:12 am »
I want to repeat that I am not at all concerned about whether we get a thank you note or not, or what they do about their wedding.  I'm not upset or offended or anything else!  This isn't about me at all.  I might as well have been writing about a situation I read about in the paper.

I was just curious about the thank you note timing etiquette issues raised by Zola-type registries, and then issues raised by the pandemic, putting us in the position of the wedding couple, not the position of guests.  What would we do if we were in their position?  What do we think is the right thing to do?  If it were your best friend getting married, and they asked you for advice, what would you tell them?

For the record, we do still get thank you notes.  I don't keep track, but I can't say that I've noticed a drop off.

jpcher

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #43 on: May 20, 2020, 10:17:10 am »
Me? Personally? I send a TY note as soon as I receive a gift. No matter what the occasion. That's the way I was raised.
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gellchom

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Re: When should you write the thank you note?
« Reply #44 on: May 20, 2020, 10:19:14 am »
Me? Personally? I send a TY note as soon as I receive a gift. No matter what the occasion. That's the way I was raised.

Would that include when you received notification that someone bought the gift for you, even if you had instructed the company to delay delivery?