Bad Manners and Brimstone

If my BFF asked for my help with this, I would level with her in the loving way that we do. "I have put some thought into this and I cannot come up with any polite wording. I think the problem is not the wording, but rather the fact that the plan is not considered polite. I would be happy to throw around various options that would be considered more polite, if you would like to do that."

If I really felt that I had to help with the wording, then I would make suggestions that were crystal clear of what is going on. "The wedding party is gathering at X Hotel Restaurant and everyone is welcome to join us. Meals run between $Y and $Z." I still would not be thrilled to receive this invitation, but at least I wouldn't feel like the couple was trying to hide this. I will say that I would likely choose not to attend the meal portion (maybe not even the wedding) and it could very well effect the gift that give. To me, the wording doesn't change the sentiment... that the couple is having a wedding beyond their means and asking me to pay for it. I would share this with my BFF.

If my BFF asked for my help with this, I would level with her in the loving way that we do. "I have put some thought into this and I cannot come up with any polite wording. I think the problem is not the wording, but rather the fact that the plan is not considered polite. I would be happy to throw around various options that would be considered more polite, if you would like to do that."

when you struggle to come up with a polite way to say it, it's probably because it isn't polite

(I'm a copyeditor, and one of my maxims is: if you can't figure out the punctuation easily, that's a sign that the entire sentence has major grammatical and syntactical problems, and you need to fix those instead of trying to figure out the punctuation.)

I think it’s going to leave a bad taste in people’s mouths if the B&G tell 100+ people to pay for their own meals, especially since the hotel will insist on a fixed menu. It’s just tacky to expect people to pay for something that they may or may not have wanted to order on their own bat. There’s just no good way to say this or to pull it off without appearing as cheap and tacky.

They could go the option of forgetting about a hotel dinner, and sound out their immediate families to have a “potluck” dinner at the church hall.  By “potluck” I mean dishes prepared by the bride and groom and their immediate families, and not to ask those outside the families or those coming from hour(s) away.  Years ago, that’s how weddings were done at the church I grew up at, and no one thought anything of it.  There were also punch and cake receptions there as well, but not scheduled at mealtimes.

It's not at a church.  It's at the hotel chapel. In Vegas, nowhere near anyplace the Bride and Groom can host a 'church potluck.' Now, I'm not a fan of Las Vegas and I hate the hotel they picked.  (They probably picked it because it was the most economical.) I'm not even happy that the bride wants me to spend money (either hers or mine) on a full length gown that I will probably never wear again. (I'm going to look in vintage stores when the Coronademic is over.) But, I figure, this isn't about me, it's about them.  So, I'll go along with what they want. 

The Bride didn't ask me to write the invitation, just come up with some wording options.  If you look at the link I sent, which I also sent to my friend, it has some opinions that state, like the opinions here, just no way to do it without being tacky &/or rude.  So, it's up to them as to what they do.  They are, btw, furnishing cake and beverage to toast. 

But, I do thank everyone for their advice about this.  I've learned a little something myself.  If anyone does think of something, let me know.

"Friend, I've been thinking and thinking about your dilemma with wording the invitations.  I even asked for advice on an etiquette message board, but the unanimous opinion there was that there's no good way to say your guests will have to pay because it's just not a polite thing to do.  All they could offer was that you'll need to cut the guest list down to what you can afford and/or come up with a cheaper option than a hotel dinner.  I'm worried that you'll insult or offend some people who are important to you if you go through with asking them to pay for the reception.  I know you were really hoping for the big, fancy wedding but maybe I can help brainstorm some alternatives that would fit better in your budget?"

Maybe you don't have to answer this question at all, at least not more than you have already done.  You wrote that she asked you, "as MOH," to help with this wording, but I don't really know what that means; what's the difference between asking you "as MOH" and just asking your opinion as her friend? 

It makes a big difference in my eyes, because if she just asked your opinion, she's probably asking other people, too, and you can relax; it's not your problem.  You already gave her some info, and that's plenty.  But if she is somehow communicating that this is your job as MOH, then I think she is not being fair to you, and I go back to my original advice.

If you do say something more, I vote for the less is more approach most others have suggested.  "Sorry, I just can't come up with anything."

It sounds like they already know how rude this is, especially for a destination wedding.  Good cow.  Why don't they take their own hotel, airfare, and meal costs and do an inexpensive wedding in their home town instead?  You can feed a lot of people cake and coffee, or pizza and beer, for a lot less than that would cost.  Or else just go to Las Vegas alone or with only as many people as you can afford to feed. 

If they don't register for gifts and indirectly let the word get out that they prefer cash, they can use their wedding gifts to pay for a simple meal for everyone.  Most people who feel close enough to you to travel for your wedding and can afford to do so will probably give you a gift large enough to cover a restaurant meal.

This is not just a question of "being a stickler for Emily Post etiquette."  That's just the kind of thing people say when they know they are being very rude, and want to recast it as "not stuffy."  We aren't talking about which fork to use or how the processional should be arranged.  We are talking about consideration and hospitality.  To ask people to attend a destination wedding and not even feed them a simple meal or snack is just outrageously rude.

It's the same for everyone: have the kind of wedding you can afford to do, even if it's not the fantasy event you feel you deserve.  That may mean you have to trim either your guest list or your plans or both --  in fact, that's the case for almost everyone. 

But what there is no decent way to do is to plan any kind of reception you please and expect your guests to pay for it.

I did read your posts.  A destination wedding with a restaurant reception for approaching 100 people is clearly significantly more expensive than they can afford.  Thus, they need to dial it back.  Whether it's a formal black tie occasion or something considerably more laid back is irrelevant.

My point in posting the "script" I did is that, as her closest friend, you should gently point out to her that she's being an entitled bridezilla.  Save her from herself.  Kindly.

There is no way that 100 people will fly to los vegas and attend a wedding where they have to pay for everything. Their guest list will be much much smaller then that. Destination weddings are hard to begin with, throw in that you aren't even getting a meal and it will not make people jump at the chance to go.

Well, it's really no where near 100 guests.  The chapel holds 65 and it will almost definitely be fewer than that. (I just used "<100 as a nice round figure.") My impression is that a few close friends and family will have to fly or drive in and spend the night and the others live close enough to have the option to either day trip or stay the night. 

The hotel is Circus Circus, which I really hate.  So, I have another question. As MOH am I required to stay in the same hotel or can I stay in one nearby? As MOH I'm pretty sure I'll have to opt for the whole meal (although the Bride says she'll pay). I don't know how the food will be at that particular restaurant, but, I do know their buffet kind of sucked.